Sunday, July 7, 2002		Life Ties

When sons help fathers gain perspective
Taru Bahl

ARTI was one among eight siblings. Her father retired as head accountant with a bank. In her growing-up years, she experienced an enormous sense of deprivation, especially when thrown into public situations that forced her to see what others had and she didn’t. Also to be subjugated at the hands of an elder sister who dictated how all of them should behave, talk, eat, dress and think. Not a day passed without Arti dreaming of a situation when the apple cart would tilt and bring the controlling gears in her favour. The ensuing resentment which brewed beneath the surface came to an end with her marriage. It was her ticket to an independent and free world where she could have others obey her orders, and accept and appreciate what she said and did. Turning her back on the maternal home was not so difficult. It was like severing ties with a world where she had for long played second fiddle and moving into a domain which promised to be exclusively hers.

She quickly established new equations and set fresh guidelines, with everyone around her bulldozed to adhere to them. Since she took charge efficiently, it became convenient to let her be in the driver’s seat. If her husband Suhail resented the time she spent on things which to his mind were trivial, he did not express his irritation clearly. Deep down his parents knew that Arti was aggressive and dominating to the extent that she wore the pants in the house but they also knew that Suhail was a mild and academic person who could provide unflinching support without donning an active role.

Nature played into her hands. On her in-laws’ side the last male child was Suhail. The birth of two bonny baby boys after 28 years gave her the licence to do what she wanted to do. The other brothers had daughters, so the entire attention was focused on these two grandsons. Arti used her influence, coercive skills and manipulation to alienate her in-laws from Suhail’s two brothers and their wives. She made sure that when it came to the customary give and take, she was always in the picture, first to grab her pickings, leaving only what she didn’t want for the rest. She could not bear to hear her sisters-in-law being praised and she worked hard to distort their image within the family. Feeding the rumour mill, keeping people apart and playing on other’s weaknesses became a full-time job and one which she thrived upon. By the time the boys turned 18, she had made her father-in-law transfer all his major properties and investments in their names. Now she had eyes on physical assets like family heirlooms, antiques and gadgets.

She didn’t see her obsession with material acquisition and the power game that she was playing as anything abnormal. She also did not realise that she had failed to make emotional and spiritual investments in her family. Although she was a good wife who met the physical needs of her husband and sons, she had no deeper understanding of what made them tick. As a result, intimacy levels amongst them were at a dismal low. The chinks in their domestic armour showed up when the boys grew up.

Ravi, the younger son, was too detached, spoilt and self-willed and Varun, the elder one, was sensitive and analytical enough to see the damage his mother had done. He liked his paternal uncles and aunts and it irked him to see that they were not only unwelcome in their house but were also cast in a negative mould. Although there were sisters in the family, they had been deprived of their love. The girls never tied rakhi to them because Arti had kept them at bay. Her logic was "why burden my sons with unnecessary responsibilities." She did not realise that shouldering responsibility made a man out of a young boy. Varun also felt angry at how his father had allowed her to plot and oust them from their own home. It hurt to see his father take the easier way out and seek refuge in his office. Why had he not taken the bull by the horns ? Why had he allowed the split to happen? Just because his brothers had chosen to maintain a dignified silence, he had let them go their separate ways. Was their relationship so fickle that it could not endure the machinations of a woman with a devious intent? Did he not miss them and had he not deprived his children of the love and warmth which comes from sharing and being together?

Varun spent a lot of time thinking how he could as a young and responsible man talk to his dad about this, and make him see the unfairness of it all and get him to confront and take corrective action. He knew damage-control steps would be difficult to initiate. He could not magically set right things which had been twisted out of shape, but yes, sincere efforts could be made to ensure that no more damage was deliberately done. And this could only come with the man of the house behaving like one. Work was fine, but not at the cost of the family’s togetherness and bonding. He decided to have a serious man-to-man chat with his father.

He was prepared to handle Sohail’s defensive posturing that such occurrences existed in every domestic household and that he need not meddle in what was clearly an adult issue. He was also ready to get lectured on how he should be using this time to study and work on his career. What he wasn’t prepared, however, was to see a completely vulnerable and shattered side to his father. Suhail got extremely emotional upon seeing his son expressing so much concern and responsibility. It triggered off a certain thought process and he began talking uninhibitedly. Suhail had realised early in marriage that his and Arti’s priorities were different. Their way of looking at life and their expectations from important things like marriage, career, parents and children were poles apart. He tried weaning her away from the power game and tried to steer her towards the literary and cultural aspects of life, which meant so much to him. But her lack of interest made him realise that this would be a losing battle. She had by then found her feet in the family and seemed happy with her lot. He decided not to create any problems in their marital life, more so since the children had arrived. He left domestic affairs to her since she desperately wanted that and concentrated on his career instead. But a job, howsoever comforting, cannot take the place of a loving spouse and partner. Especially when the children are ready to fly away from the nest, it becomes all the more important for the couple in question to be with each other in mind, body and spirit. To grow old together, according to Suhail, was the ultimate expression of marital love and this was something Arti had never thought about. Any kind of reversal would mean re-living an entire lifetime and overhauling mindsets which were now rigid and unchangeable.

Ravi placed a hand over his father’s shoulder and said, "A beginning has to be made. I am hopeful and if we make an effort, we shall definitely be able to see light at the end of the tunnel. Our to-do list is long but I am sure we will be able to tick things from our agenda as we go along." Suhail’s eyes lit up. Not only did he feel secure and confident about seeing his son look him in the eye and match step with him but also in the fact that he had after a long time found a friend. He was now ready to take directions from the young man who stood across and set his house in order.