Being late

Two deaf men were talking during their coffee break about being out late the night before.

The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble." The second deaf man signed back, "Boy, you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me heck for being out so late."

The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"

The second deaf man signed, "I turned out the light!"

Three Insurance salesmen were having drinks and boasting about each companies' service.

The first one said, "When one of our insured died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the wife and mailed a check on Wednesday evening." The second one said, "When one of our insured died without warning on Monday, we learned of it in two hours and were able to hand-deliver a check the same evening."

The last salesman said, "That's nothing. Our office is on the 20th floor, in a 100- storeyed building. One of our insured who was washing a window on the 85th floor, slipped and fell. We handed him his check as he passed our floor."

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of his scheduled delivery. This trip was to a well-know cheapskate in town. After handing over the pizza, the consumer asked: "What is the usual tip?"

"Well," said the boy, "this is my first time here, but the other drivers say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."

"Is that so?" snorted the cheapo.

"Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars!"

"Thanks," replied the kid, "I'll put this in my school fund."

"What are you studying in school?" asked the new victim.

The boy smiled and said: "Applied psychology."

This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, die in a car crash. They had been in good health the last 10 years, mainly due to the wife's interest in strict health-conscious food habits. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed", the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, Remember, this is heaven."

Next they went out back to see the championship golf course. They would have golfing privileges every day, and eeach week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet?" St. Peter asked. "This is heaven. It's free!"

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly.

"That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is heaven."

The old man looked angrily at his wife and said, "You and your stupid healthy food. I could have been here 10 years ago!"

(Culled from the Net by Sunil Sharma)