Sunday, May 19, 2002		Life Ties

When a son fights the mother’s battles
Taru Bahl

FOR Saroj, marriage was a romanticised escape from the drudgery of humdrum existence. Her marriage to Subodh shattered all her girlish dreams much before the baraat reached her doorstep. His large extended family was making demands and finding faults with everything her parents did. Throughout the wedding ceremony, there was a sense of foreboding. The girl’s side was bending backwards to please afraid that one wrong move and the groom’s side would get up from the mandap and leave. The only bright spot was that Subodh was an army officer and would soon be leaving with his bride, minus the baggage of his family. Elders counselled Saroj that he boy was bright and caring and she would be happy if she learnt how to be accommodating and respectful.

She had barely found her bearings in the alien environment of the services that she discovered she was carrying. Subodh was a caring enough husband but this he could not handle. The fact that he was scheduled to go for his army exercises, where she could not come along, made matters worse. He felt it wisest to deposit her in the safety of his parents’ home where she would be looked after till he came for the delivery. Saroj’s worst nightmares came true. Not a day passed when there wasn’t a serious altercation with her mother-in-law or sisters-in-law. If they were unreasonable and provocative, she too was immature and touchy. She was given to over reacting in situations which could have been ignored. She would get hysterical, writing exaggerated letters to Subodh and crying uncontrollably when he called. The final straw was when she tried committing suicide by jumping from the terrace. That she and the baby survived was a miracle. Subodh rushed to be by her bedside as she was wheeled in for an emergency caesarian. While he was torn between what his family had to say and the version his wife gave, he could clearly see that the situation was volatile and given Saroj’s easily inflamed temper and unpredictable behaviour it was best to take her back.

Subodh let time heal old wounds. They made an annual trip to his hometown and he was relieved to see that relations between Saroj and his parents were now cordial. Somewhere his parents did feel that he had let them down in favour of his wife but he knew that had he not maintained that distance his life would have been a mess. However, he was a good son and was always there when his parents or sisters needed him. What he did not realise was that Saroj had used her initial ‘suffering’ at the hands of her in-laws to turn the children completely against their parental side of the family. Their son Alok was what everyone teased as a typical mama’s boy. Saroj often joked that he alone would be her bodyguard, protector and saviour. Their elder daughter Anu was completely dominated by her elder brother who dictated everything she did. The younger daughter figured out when she was young that she would be anything but the scared, nervous creature her elder sister was.

She became tomboyish and independent, always locking horns with her brother and mother, defying for the sake of going against what they insisted was right for her. All three children grew up in an environment which was not entirely normal and tension-free.

A tough and sturdy child, Alok learnt early to use physical force and masculine aggression to make people do his bidding. He was a bully in school and had a large following in the locality where boys paid obeisance to bhaiyya. Sudha lauded his leadership qualities, prophesising that he was gifted and would go a long way in life. She publicly announced that he was her lucky mascot and had it not been for him she would have died of neglect and torture. It was only after his birth that his father had seen sense. She made no bones about the fact that he was dearest to her. At the cost of his studies and play he took the role of being his mother’s protector seriously, getting involved in petty family matters when he should have been doing things boys his age were doing. He grew with a false and unnatural sense of responsibility which actually weighed him down never setting him free to be the person he wanted to be. He was always scared that if he backed off his mother would die. She had played up on her high blood pressure and angina problem by citing a hundred different reasons for it. There was hardly anyone in the family with whom he had not had an altercation with.

He finished his engineering and started his own industrial unit. Much to Sudha’s relief he took upon himself the task of searching a suitable bridegroom for his sister. Unfortunately, when she developed minor adjustment problems, Alok’s indiscretion and high handedness made things worse for her. He was so used to sorting things by using arm-twisting tactics, more so since his mother had always applauded his ability to get things done. Not for a moment did he realise that he was actually ruining her happiness. When he threatened to shoot his sister’s husband down and get her in laws behind bars, telling them in no uncertain terms that if the harassment continued he would take his sister back, he was shocked to find that she blamed him for her troubles. All she wanted was a sympathetic shoulder not a tongue-lashing, gun-swinging cowboy. She finally told him that he was no longer welcome in her home. When Alok’s younger sister was ragged in college, Alok reached there with his cronies and in typical filmi style thrashed them to pulp making it impossible for her to venture out for a few months. She finally took admission in a different city and chose to stay with her mother’s sister, convinced that if she stayed at home she would go mad.

By now Sudha too was getting embarrassed by his growing aggression, violent temper and intolerance. It seemed as if he had forgotten how to use the power of language to get his message across, using only the force of his body to do its share of talking. Not only was he becoming unpopular but she also feared for his safety. Saroj thought marriage would calm him down, only he wasn’t keen to settle down. His long-standing girl friend had just broken up with him, perhaps fed up with his bossy behaviour. His presence at home was cramping everybody. Saroj knew that she was responsible for turning him into the ill-adjusted, angry young man he had turned out into. Only it was too late to do anything about it. He was close to 40 and still unhinged.

When he decided to marry the daughter of one of his factory supervisors, Saroj’s apprehensions came to the fore again. The girl had been deserted by her ex-husband. How could Alok find marital bliss with her ? However, she proved to be the perfect foil for his temper, anger and aggression. Gentle and caring, she taught him how to love unconditionally. For the first time he learnt that he didn’t have to do anything physically in return for the caring and loving he received. There was no pressure on him to be the perfect son, brother, husband or father. All he had to do was have a genuine fondness for his kith and kin and back that with responsible and timely execution of duties. Everyone had to learn to fight their own battles. Post-marriage, his career zoomed. In a very non disruptive manner she created an environment for him where he could thrive personally and professionally.

On his own he weaned himself away from the unnatural demands of his mother and focused on his career and the bringing up of his twins. Over the years, he changed unrecognisably. Gone was the agitation and pent-up fury.

He was calm and completely at peace. He was capable of nurturing loving relationships with his sisters and parents all over again. The gentle and undemanding love of his wife had made a real man out of him – one who could balance the yin with the yang, the aggression of the male with the gentle sensitivity of the female.