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| HER WORLD | Sunday, April 28, 2002, Chandigarh, India |
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When papa’s little girl grows up
RELATIONSHIPS |
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When papa’s little girl grows up SUNAINA is a 20-something girl whose parents have finalised three boys for her to select from as her life partner. When asked as to what she was looking for in the boy she would ultimately marry? "Good looks, and good job of course.” Added to that? 'Well strong and sturdy, commanding jiska rob sab par chale, someone who loves long walks and long discussions too. Protective and loving; and yes should also possess a humorous side to his nature." What Sunaina did not actually realise was her unconscious narration of all those characteristics which her father possessed. In short she wanted such a man as her husband who would substitute for her father. Just as it is natural for a girl to idolise her mother as she would like to grow up into. So also is it natural for her to idolise her father when it comes to making the selection of an ideal husband material. Protective and caring, understanding and loving, avid sportsman, intelligent, smart…..the list is never ending. No we are not talking of an Electra complex over here, simply of a glorified father figure that all girls carry in their mind, unless something is drastically wrong in the relationship. The desire for a father substitute in a husband comes naturally to most girls, especially in the over-protective family set-up in India. It is only once the honeymoon stage gets over and the initial charm begins to wear off that contradictions in the dream man and the real person come to light. From a demi-god he turns out to be a common man with his likes and dislikes, temper, and his earthly demands. On the other hand, it could be his passive temperament and demanding nature as compared to the volatile men she had been brought up with. It is thus, that dissatisfaction begins to take root. It is not so much of the failing of romantic notions and lack of two-some outings but the breaking apart of the idol she had formed around the man she had married , a juxtaposition of characteristics of her father, brothers and favorite uncles. It is when the this idol begins to break and crumble down, showing the individual in his own right, that conflicts emerge. The girl often wonders: “Did I make the right choice?” “Is this the man I wanted to marry?” “Did he deceive me by being somebody else until now?” Jyoti had a similar sort of brutal awakening (as she put it). Having had an army officer for a father who in his youth had been a sports freak and possessed a well-built physique, she tended to lay a lot of stress on the physique of the man she would marry. As she says,”My father would pick up my mother and run up the stairs of our house. I want a husband equally strong who can also pick me up and carry me in his arms the way Mills &Boon heroes tend to do.” When her husband , although normally built, refused to pick up a 5ft5," weighing 64 kilos of Jyoti in his arms and carry her up the stairs to where their bedroom lay, it was the first disappointment that she faced. When he showed a desire to spend holidays indoors rather than going out boating or horse riding gradually disillusionment began to take place. Comparisons increased with each passing day further giving way to disillusionment, disgruntlement and bitterness. As in the case of Jyoti, such comparisons turn out to be a forerunner for most problematic marriages. After having visualised the partly- screened images of her father and elder brother - not as how they fare as husbands but rather as per their relation to her, begins the desire to mould hubby dear into predecided criteria. The comparisons that take place in the mind, gradually, maybe even undesiringly so, get vocalised. This is something that no man's ego will accept. As in the case of Jyoti whose husband had a gentle and a quiet nature, her initial outbursts and comparisons initially would initiate a simple shrug off, moved on to gentle warnings and later on to contempt and freezing of feelings towards her. He gradually began to avoid her company. What Sunaina and Jyoti overlooked in their immaturity were the other essentially good qualities in their respective husbands. When Jyoti's husband froze her off due to her contempt for him and began to keep his distance, without even once losing his temper, did she begin to appreciate his patience and endurance. These were the qualities which as yet she had never even cared to notice in him. She began to gradually like and appreciate him for his pride, his very humane and gentle nature. Suddenly, she did not care any more whether he had bulging muscles of a Greek god or not. Her change of feeling for him and the timely interference of her sister-in-law managed to save her marriage Sunidhi, another case with a similar history was not so lucky. The extreme volatile temper of her husband exploded whenever she made any negative inferences about him as compared to her father. Although because of their child they live together, yet their lives have taken different directions as neither finds happiness and satisfaction in the company of the other. So it is important for every woman, when she crosses the threshold of her father's house to enter that of her husband’s, she should leave her childish fantasies behind. You are beginning a life with an individual in his own right, who has his own merits and is also a wonderful human being, once you get to know the real him. So approach your new relationship and your new life with an open mind. |
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Becoming a part of the larger picture Many women photographers followed in later years. Some of them are press photographers like India Today's Shipra Das, the only woman among the magazine's photographers. Saraswati, who worked for Thanthi, the Tamil Nadu daily is now freelancing for several publications. Rekha Sriwastava of the Pioneer newspaper also happens to be the only woman amongst her male counterparts in the daily. She was attracted to cameras and photographs since her childhood. The desire to do something adventurous made her take up photography. In the beginning, her male colleagues helped her to learn the basic camera skills. Later she did a photography course and landed the job at the Pioneer. She feels photography is glamorous and adventurous. Renuka Puri of the Indian Express used to freelance for advertising agencies before she joined the Express as a trainee photographer. Women photographers are still in a minority in the Indian media. Being a photographer is not easy for family women. Renuka feels that press photography suits single women better. But a woman has to think seriously before taking up a photographer's job. One has to become rough and tough to adopt this profession. Besides these, there are quite a few women photographers who work for fashion magazines. Like Sheena Sippy who has been doing fashion photography for more than 10 years, moving from glamour stills to working with children now. She started at 17 and trained under the famous fashion photographer Gautam Rajadhyaksha. “There was a surge in the fashion industry, and a lot of editors were women”, she says. On the other hand, Tina Dehal believes that a change in the people's attitudes towards the glamour business led to the influx of women. "All of a sudden, the media industry has become huge and everyone wants to be involved. The glamour world is not looked on as a dirty business any more". Sumiko Murgai has been in the fashion photography for six years. She enjoys it because of the creativity involved. She says - "I have never had a problem shooting with women. They seem far more comfortable and confident having someone of their own gender around." Deepa Parikh, daughter of the renowned painter Manu Parikh, who works for the women's magazine Cosmopolitan says - "I have noticed that some of the strong sensitive work I have liked belongs to women". But women fashion editors are different from other photographers. Anita Shroff works for Elle fashion magazine. She believes that this field is attracting a lot more women because photography is no longer restricted to the industrial or news kind. Earlier, those with a more artistic bent of mind chose to stay away from what was traditionally regarded as a blood-and-sweat area. Shroff also finds the work of the women photographers to be technically superior to that of their male counterparts. Several women are also working as freelance photographers. They include Anita Khemka and Urvi Khanna, who are working with advertising agencies as well as publications. Anita Khemka recalls, "It all began when Kathmandu-based American writer Fredic contacted me to do the photographs for his book." It's not the start of a new era. But in an age where photojournalism is beginning to make its presence felt, women photographers are a breed to watch out for.
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RELATIONSHIPS WHEN a wife goes out to work it can throw even the most organised household in turmoil. Perhaps the most frequent trouble occurring in the family of the working couple stems from the husband allowing his job to come first. His wife, who has to cope with the pressures of her job, is then expected to take sole responsibility for the family. The wife then feels resentful and she accuses him of lacking in commitment and fearing intimacy. He then begins to feel that she wants too much, which means that the wife wants something that he has not been trained to expect or to give. If he cannot dominate, he withdraws. Love, for men, means handing over the pay packets and having the final word. What they do not realise is that they have been released from a tremendous burden if they are no longer expected to spend their lives solely supporting women and children. Instead of sharing responsibility they start grieving about lost authority. They feel resentful, selfish and inadequate, vulnerable to an adolescent notion of love that cripples the emotional equilibrium that a woman is dreaming about. One thing that husbands of working wives should remember is that this is all-new to us. We do not have the models handed down over centuries of cultural process. It is only in the relatively recent past that women have taken to the job market. Most of us have vowed that we would never allow a job to wreck our family. Fair enough. However I do meet people struggling to keep a balance between the two. I will tell you how I outlined solutions to these two couples who visited me when they were going through a crisis in their family life. Arvind: "I encouraged her to go to work but ever since there is no talking to her. All of a sudden she is an expert on everything. You name it and she has the answer. I did not marry a libber nine years ago and if she wants to wear the pants, fine but if she does not mellow down she can wear the pants alone." Neha: "He honestly feels I have changed…and I have! I just want to have some say around here. I am good at my work and my opinion is respected at work. It is hard to go back and play the little girl again. Any time I offer an opinion, he gets upset and any time I have good enough reason to disagree, he gets furious. Where does that leave me? May be alone. I will do that, if I have no alternatives. Arvind is a good man. I still love him but I am a responsible adult with a good head on my shoulders. I just want him to understand that. I do not want to make all the decisions but at least he can listen to my point of view, even if he does not agree." Neha is not alone, although she feels she is. Neither is her husband. There are many couples struggling with this type of conflict. Generally, those having the most difficult time have been involved in very traditional relationships. Arvind certainly sounds threatened. From his point of view, he has good reason. Suddenly his judgement is being questioned—his authority—when it had not been before. There is a real fear in him that if his wife has changed, she may not need him any more. He wonders if his function has been to provide and make decisions, what will his role be now? Is he still important, still necessary, ‘still a man’ by his own definition? These are very frightening questions for many men and Arvind is no different. Arvind was made to get in touch with his fear of becoming unnecessary—and the anger and insecurity that it produced simultaneously. Even Neha was asked to get in touch with her feeling as well. She had to see her anger also, not just Arvind’s. They had to find time and place for a frank discussion and were told not to use the word "you act" or "you do" because that would lead to a total breakdown in their communication network as each person feels like an accused party. So instead of saying "you treat me like a little girl’, Neha could say, "there are times when I feel I am being treated like a little girl". The same message, but sounds less inflammatory. The point is to keep the communication open; to be sure that neither party is assigned guilt. It does not matter who is right and who is wrong. The attitude has to be: this is a problem we have. We will pinpoint it, then deal with it together. It is not always a woman’s job that creates problems for a family’s routine. The woman has almost always been expected to defer to the demands of her husband’s job. But what happens when both work full time, and the husband’s job suddenly places new demands on this routine? For the successful women executive, the requirements can be the same as for the successful businessman: pressure, working late at night, working on weekends. One particular couple preached: Equal sharing of both income and parenting responsibilities. But when it came to a crunch situation then there was furore in the house. Loud fights, never-ending arguments and, of course, blame-placing. Amrita told me: " We had the system worked down pat. He would run the children to school some days and I would do other days. We would take turns with parent teacher meetings, doctor’s appointments—everything. It was working beautifully till Manoj’s boss decided that he starts travelling and Manoj agreed. I know…I know, he has a right to make that decision, he has to get some travelling if he has to head his zone. But my life is absolutely hell when he is away—and he is away for several days in a week and many times the entire week passes like that. The hassles just keep piling up until I am frantic. My social life has come to a zero. I do resent being stuck with all of it alone." Amrita has to look at what she can change, now that her husband is travelling so often. She cannot be complaining, as these hazards are a part of working life. She has to reassess her priorities now that the situation at home wasn’t that conducive. Too often we have arrangements that fit our current situation, then we forget to change them as the situation changes. Many working mothers think all childcare, transportation, financial, household and social obligation should be reassessed only once a year. Sometimes situations develop in such a way that they need rescheduling more than that. No one can magically remove the problems involve in working and caring for home and children alone—even if that aloneness is temporary. I suggested that they would have to make some alterations in their life for their own betterment and when your husband travels, to set up a reward system for yourself. Do something that make you look forward to those days when he is away. She started playing Bridge (she had been a bridge fanatic but forgot about it after the arrival of her children) again on week-ends, started pampering herself, and considered keeping a part-time "ayah" for days that were very busy and stressful. The money she saved because of her husband’s absence from home enabled her to spend on a part-time help (few more hundreds) to get some more freedom. She invites friends to play at home so that she doesn’t need an extra help for her children. All her friends go Dutch and she looks forward to it and says it makes up for that extra work. Her husband Manoj had earlier said, " I don’t know what is happening. She is worried about the kids not seeing me. I am, too. We are having a rough time together as a family but I know it is temporary. Help us do something about our problems." Three months later Manoj requested his boss for a full-time assistant –which he had been thinking of for quite some time. His request was granted. He still works hard but he is home most of the days. The harried look of guilt and exhaustion are no longer there and children look forward to seeing their father before they go to bed. As you have seen there is a positive side to every story. The problems can be worked out but there has to be a commitment from both partners to rearrange their priorities. Both the couples confessed that they are much closer than they were before the problems started. |
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PHOTOJOURNALISM or telling a news story through pictures is not a new concept. But while women journalists have made an impact in the world of journalism, there aren't too many women photojournalists around. The first woman photographer in the world was the Parisian Daguerreotypist Antoinette De Correvont, who opened a portrait studio at Munich in 1843. The only woman photographer noted in the 1951 census in Britain was a Miss Wigley, who maintained a studio at 108 Fleet Street, London. In India, there was a time when photo-journalism used to be only for males. But Homai Vyarawalla was the first woman photo-journalist of the country who ventured into this profession 70 years ago. Recalling those early days she says - "Photography was not an easy job in the early 1930s because there was nobody who could teach you. I had to learn everything on my own, and that too from pamphlets". She was the only woman photographer moving around freely in the Rashtrapati Bhawan. She retired at the age of 86. Looking back on her eventful life as India's first woman photo-journalist, she declares , "If there is a will, there is a way. It was my willingness to do something that helped me survive." 
In the electronic media, Indu Dang is Doordarshan's (DD's) first camerawoman. She did her Engineering from Institute of Electronics and Telecommunication in Delhi. Indu feels being a television camera person poses certain problems for women. Being DD's first camerawoman, she attracted much attention and curiosity. That suited her fine. But competing with sturdy male colleagues by carrying a 16 kilogram camera and running after celebrities for pictures is not always easy for a woman. In spite of problems, Indu thinks hers is a glamorous profession as she gets a chance to meet important dignitaries.