Sunday, February 17, 2002		Life Ties

Confrontation, not evasion, makes for better relationships
Taru Bahl

RITU was a small-town girl brought up in an extremely protective environment. Not only did she have the loving and fussing of an entire joint family who bent backwards to fulfill all her expressed and unexpressed needs but also a set parents who had time for her, who planned out a lot of activities with her and who devoted themselves to the task of bringing her up. Any other child would have turned into a spoilt brat, used to twisting people around her fingers but not Ritu. She was mild-mannered and genteel, even as a child.

Her best friend’s cousin was in the Army and he was visiting. The first time she met him over a casual tea amidst a dozen odd people she sensed the vibrations and knew that her life would never be the same again. Shivam was halting briefly before going to Pathankot for his annual leave. He too was compelled to extend his stay. A few whirlwind meetings and they both knew they were meant for each other. The families relented and the wedding took place before his leave expired. There were times when Ritu’s parents felt they did not know enough about Shivam or his family but they trusted their daughter’s choice and her happiness was all that mattered to them.

Ritu set about winning over everybody. She embraced Shivam’s entire brood of cousins, grand aunts and uncles. Used to living in a large family she knew exactly how to deal with different people and yet not get drawn into needless controversy. She was however surprised to see Shivam being so aloof, distant and even uncomfortable in the presence of children and elders. He stubbornly refused to participate or share in the general camaradiere. Both she and Shivam were only children but their upbringing and physical environment had been poles apart. While she had been part of the hustle and bustle of a close knit family, he had spent most of his formative years in hostels. She could always turn to somebody in the family for any nagging thought or worry but he had learnt to keep things to himself. In NDA when he was training to be an officer the ragging he underwent further pushed him into a shell. His dark thoughts were suppressed somewhere in the deep recesses of his mind. The fun-loving exterior she had seen of the handsome uniformed young officer was a façade, not the real person.

As the months rolled by, their relationship fell into a predictable and regimented pattern. She cast herself in the mould Shivam expected her to fit into. This was largely done out of fear. He had no bonding with his cousins, coursemates or friends. Even what he shared with his parents was formal and distant. Her attempts to draw him into what she felt was a cozy network of well meaning family was shrugged off as being "impossible". His logic was "they are not worth it. We are better off without them. I am not a hypocrite and I won’t expect you to cover up or justify on my behalf."

She missed the activity, noise, laughter and chatter which her maternal house reverberated with. She found the official army parties stiff and impersonal. She accompanied him grudgingly but always stood out as a sore thumb. She didn’t try to make conversation with fellow officers, looking visibly unhappy. Gradually a gap developed in her relationship with Shivam. Neither of them communicated their thwarted hopes and expectations. Instead of confronting what was amiss in their relationship or looking at things from the others’ point of view, they looked elsewhere to keep their composure. While he did what he was best doing – turning silent, she took to teaching tiny-tots in a nearby play school. Shivam had always retreated into his shell when he found he could not cope with a situation. Rather than confront and have an ugly scene, he would become quiet, shut it out of his mind, convinced that if he did not think about the problem, the problem would go away. Inspired by a few officers who added impressive academic qualifications to their CVs, Shivam took to studying – MBA, Law, Personnel Management and HRD moving from one course to another. Ritu, on the other hand felt if she worked and kept her self busy things would sort themselves out over time.

She worked like a maniac getting up at the crack of dawn, tending to the garden, polishing silver, scrubbing doors and window panes and cooking elaborate meals. At school she took on additional responsibility. When her efforts were applauded like the time her garden was awarded the best prize or when the Air Officer Commanding’s wife complimented the school for its work, she felt all the unhappiness and pain seeping out of her system.

Yet, these were never the real solutions. For, the pain, loneliness and isolation kept coming back. They were unable to conceive a child. Neither talked of his/her romantic dreams or professional aspirations, convinced they were both from different planets who would not understand leave alone help resolve what was a silent crisis in their lives. By focusing on things other than their own relationship, they found crutches to lean on. For some time the crutches gave them a reason to live and soldier on but gradually the emptiness began to get to them. They started snapping at each other. Shivam began keeping late nights, taking up outstation duties. It was as if the house had become an extension of a hostel or rest house where he returned only to sleep, eat and bathe. Ritu worked hard at keeping a good home that her disappointment at his not noticing her efforts or revelling in it crushed her spirit. So while he became professionally more competent and she acquired greater personal skills, none of their achievements actually rubbed off on each other. They could not learn to enjoy each other’s success, happiness, talent and hard work, because at a deeper level they had not tried to bond with each other. Had Ritu tried to probe and understand why Shivam was so incapable of forging intimate ties with people she would have unearthed a deep sense of hurt which he had carried with him since childhood. He had never wanted to go to a hostel. He had always felt discarded and unloved. His parents had a hectic social life and they felt looking after a child would be cumbersome. Since boarding was fashionable they had deposited him in a prestigious hostel. They had made customary trips to see him but never really participated in his growing years. The little interaction he had with relatives was stiff and formal. Since he never experienced demonstrative affection, he always felt a misfit in any situation where the vibes were personal. Also seeing his parents’ wild parties he felt that socialising was petty and senseless. His not wanting to talk about Ritu’s inability to conceive probably stemmed from this feeling of isolation. He feared he would not make a good father and that he had no right to bring a child into the world and then neglect him. Had Ritu touched his core and got him to express his insecurities she could have turned him around. By looking at him through her tunnel vision and accepting his demeanour as a final verdict she chose to go through a "lifetime of suffering and loneliness" not realising that it needn’t have been so. Instead of diverting her energies into other areas she should have directed them towards him and seen their life change for the better. Crutches are after all crutches. They help you limp along, they never get you to actually walk and run in tandem with each other.