Sunday, February 10, 2002		Life Ties

Guarding against negative perceptions
Taru Bahl

ARUNA was never in favour of "drawing room marriages." Life has a strange way of making you eat your words. Her father died of a heart attack at 40. She was the eldest of three sisters. When she turned 20 and received her first proposal of marriage, her mother made a commitment. The family was respectable and wanted no dowry. Though she was not ready for marriage, her protests were smothered by relatives who deplored her self-centered concerns and complete disregard for her mother’s mental, physical and financial state.

Aruna agreed "to be led to the slaughter" but not before articulating her pre-condition. Her husband and in-laws should allow her to study and work. She would not spend the rest of her life in a small town, planning what to cook, sew and wear. Even if her husband belonged to a traditional business family that had no history of serious, working women, she would still do something worthwhile with her life. Her husband, Ritesh, indulgently relented. He liked her spunk, straightforwardness and no-nonsense attitude. Since he was basically quiet and withdrawn it fascinated him to see her mince no words.

They got married and moved to Hisar. Reservations aside, she tried fitting into the role that the family expected her to. She found wearing heavy saris during the day frightfully difficult and with her husband’s consent took to wearing salwar kameez.Though she sat with her in-laws patiently listening to conversations revolving around recipes, foreign holidays and family gossip, she couldn’t open up completely. She was not rude or snooty, but there was a distance. It had probably something to do with her sophisticated ultra-modern outlook that made it difficult for them to accept her as one of their own. She kept to her room most of the time, studying for her law exams. For more than eight months, she stayed in Hisar. The in-laws began making veiled remarks about their starting a family. She was clear that she didn’t want a baby just yet.

She went to Chandigarh to take her exams. Once there she realised how freely she could breathe. She was not stifled, choked, scared and miserable. A friend’s father made a casual offer, asking her to join his law firm. On her return she talked to Ritesh and tried convincing him to move to Chandigarh. He baulked at the idea. How could she suggest that he, the only son of his parents, move to a town where he had no bearings just because she couldn’t adjust to his parents’ way of life? He had agreed to let her work, but surely he had not suggested that they live in two separate towns? She could do business or open a school which he would gladly finance. The more Aruna thought about moving to Chandigarh, the more adamant she became. Finally, things came to a head and she packed her bags and told him that he must now choose between her and his parents.

Aruna left alone. She took up a small house on rent and started working. After three months Ritesh followed. It was his parents who impressed upon him to join his wife, not worry about them and get his house in order. Things were fine for a few years. They had a daughter and then a son. Aruna continued to work in the law firm where she was now an equal partner. Since the children were small, she maintained flexible working hours. She was a house-proud woman who worked hard to keep things in order, besides looking after everyone’s needs. Now that she was living life on her terms, she was a better daughter-in-law as well. There was a slight iciness in her relationship with her in-laws but she was happy to have a functional relationship with them.

Her law firm bagged some prestigious Delhi and Mumbai-based clients. Work demanded that she travel and keep longer working hours. Not one to neglect the household, she hired suitable help. Initially, Ritesh did not mind her increasing involvement but when it began impinging on their domestic life, he resented it. There were times she failed to keep family appointments and he would have to attend weddings and dinners alone. Never convincing with his excuses, he would get embarrassed when people pointedly asked about his "busy" wife. He would detect a tone of derision and sarcasm in their inquiries.

He didn’t like it when Aruna extended her travel plans, giving him short notice, expecting him to understand, be with the kids and fill in for her. He knew she was over-worked and did her best to balance her priorities but she refused to see his point of view. They lived in a typical north Indian milieu. A jet-setting wife and a husband who always doubled up as a convenient baby-sitter led to loose talk. He had a real estate business, but since he was more of a homebody who didn’t mind doing occasional cooking or taking the kids out for a movie, people drew wild conclusions. There were rumours of their marriage being on the rocks, of Aruna having an illicit relationship with her partner and of her wearing the pants in the house. Since she did little to change their perception, the stories got wilder.

Had it just been casual acquaintances who indulged in slander, he could have shrugged it off. Unfortunately, family and friends, too, felt that Aruna’s priorities were misplaced. They felt that she was too bossy, manly and career-minded. Most of them openly sympathised with Ritesh. Had he not given up everything? Yet, she did not value it. It wasn’t as if she was a bad mother, wife or daughter-in-law. She just did not conform to conventional stereotypes. She made no bones about the fact that she was independent-minded, her career mattered and that she couldn’t be bothered about people’s opinion of her.

What Aruna could not see was that others’ perception of her mattered to him. He often wondered why they couldn’t be like other normal couples, doing ordinary things, without being under public scrutiny all the time. Why did their family history and his wife’s outspokenness have to precede them everywhere they went. At no point of time did he expect her to give up working. All he wanted was that she be a little discreet about her "fiery independence". Why did she have to provoke people with her strong feminist views, severe western pant suits and by always winding up in the men’s section at parties. Agreed that typical female talk bored her, but couldn’t she tolerate it, considering they hardly found time to socialise. Sadly, if there was now a rift in their marriage it was not because of what Aruna was or what she had made Ritesh do but because of what people thought of her in particular and of them in general. Also, while she had all along expected him to be the perfect supporting spouse, she had rarely seen the trauma he had to undergo sometimes just to make her feel comfortable. Ritesh decided to go back to Hisar. The kids, like him, would go to the best boarding school in the country. Years ago, she had brought him at crossroads. While he was not trying to get even with her, he just wanted her to know that he had tried his best to make things work. He was now close to 40, his parents were old and ailing. He was lonely and he didn’t fit in with her jet-set life. While he had no fight or major differences with her, he had decided to return to Hisar. Like always, he would be democratic and allow her to decide what to do.

For him, setting pre-conditions or using force distorted the natural rhythm of a relationship. Things were meant to flow of their own accord. Just the way he had understood her need to break free and find herself all those years ago, she had to now understand his need to get back where he belonged.