An attorney went into a bar for a martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber."

Curious, the attorney asked, "What do you have there?"

The drunk replied, "I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

The attorney responded, "Let me take a look."

So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feels like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don't know what it is.

Where did you get it?"

The drunk replied, "Out of my nose!"

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, 'I haven't got it.'

The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day, the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender cannot believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, 'Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill.' In disgust, the bartender says, "'What, no drink for me this time?" The drunk replies, "You? No way! You get too violent when you drink."

This couple had been married for a long time and had not been getting along for years. So the wife thinks, "I'll teach the old man. I'll buy him a cemetery plot for his birthday this year!"

Well, you can just imagine his disappointment when he opened his present.

The next year rolls around and this time his wife gets him nothing.

The husband says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present?"

And the wife replies, "Well, why should I? You didn't use what I got you last year!"

— These jokes have been culled from the Net by Sunil Sharma