Sunday, August 5, 2001		Life Ties

When a marriage stagnates
Taru Bahl

KALPANA had stars in her eyes when she ‘netted’ Vinod, who was a ‘plum catch’ according to her relatives. He was handsome and qualified with impeccable credentials. She was a small- town girl in awe of him. Fed on a diet of Mills & Boon, she was eager to be the perfect wife, homemaker and daughter-in-law. He was an only child who had spent his growing years in hostels. The attention he received from Kalpana, tinged as it was with a hint of adulation, was a heady mix. The first ten years of their married life flew by. He was busy building his career and she was engrossed in bringing up their two daughters.

Theirs was a cozy family. Kalpana provided the perfect support to Vinod, freeing him from the hassles of running a home. There were times she would be plagued by doubts, especially when the girls were younger and she would enviously look at other working women, marvelling at their lifestyle, freedom and ability to make choices. These were moments when she turned to Vinod, hoping he would find a solution. She would think aloud whether she ought to pick up a job or do something with herself. While Vinod would not stop her from exploring these options, he did not encourage her either. He knew she was too deeply enmeshed in her domestic responsibilities. She drew sustenance from doing up the house, making sure it ran smoothly, meeting the girls’ emotional and physical needs, being the perfect host to his friends and colleagues and treating him like a king too ! A job would upset the apple-cart. Inwardly, he hoped that her desire to "do something" remained just that – a nascent desire and not turn into a burning, obsessive ambition.

As Vinod got busier working his way to the top he had less and less time for the family. The girls’ school annual functions, growing-up pangs and first crushes were shared with the mother. If there was any resentment it was beneath the surface. They were secure in the love and attention she showered on them. Moreover, Vinod hadn’t absolved himself of responsibility. It was just that he never had the time and knowing that Kalpana was competent enough to take charge, made it easier.

Seeing Kalpana ‘battle it out on her own,’ friends often accused her of ‘making it too easy for him’. She had ‘sacrificed’ her best years for the family and now, when she could enjoy their support and companionship, they had turned to external sources for their fulfilment, leaving her in a vacuum.

Kalpana did dabble with ideas on starting a business, but always lapsed back to the comfort of doing what she was best at – housekeeping. She had lost her confidence and knew that the world had moved on. Her conversation only revolved around the house, servants, children and antics of neighbours. When she saw some of her daughter’s friends’ mothers, she realised that she had let herself go in the looks department too. What was painful was not the fact that she was not as well-turned out or as vocal and well-informed as them, but the fact that her own husband and daughters had ‘changed’ in their behaviour towards her. The girls were more dismissive of her opinions preferring to give credence to what their friends said. Their intimate chats were on the decline and they found other ways to fill their hours. Vinod was at the peak of his career while she felt she had reached the end of the road.

Sonu was the only friend she spoke her heart to. Not that she offered any solutions. But as she talked, the tension would ease away. Ultimately, Kalpana did not want to change anything. She was comfortable with the way things were. Any deviation would mean more adjustments and alterations. In her own manner, she had become set in her ways. It wasn’t as if she hadn’t done her share of serious thinking and calculating on the subject. Over the years, she had fallen into a comfortable routine. There was a retinue of servants which was a part of Vinod’s perks. With more time on her hands, she cultivated a group of friends, with whom she played cards with. Vinod didn’t mind since it did not interfere with his routine. It was Sonu who forced Kalpana to snap out of her idyllic reverie. Why was Vinod going so frequently to Bangalore ? Why were his cellular bills higher ? Why was he not talking and reaching out to her physically like he used to ? Something was amiss.

Kalpana finally questioned Vinod on the friend’s insistence, only to hear vague guttural sounds which could be translated as denials. As her nagging intensified, his silences and absences grew. One evening she ‘caught’ him talking to a woman on the extension. She pieced together his active role in helping a female colleague’s transfer from Bangalore to Delhi. When she pushed him into giving an explanation, he concurred saying he was only doing his duty. Had she forgotten that his company had a sensitive HR Department ?

Kalpana reluctantly swallowed this piece of logic. The moment she shared it with Sonu, her mind again went into a spin. The relationship between Kalpana and Vinod became tenuous as they fought for the flimsiest reasons. Matters reached a head when he brought ‘her’ (Anita) home one day. His car had broken down. She offered to give him a lift and accepted his invitation for coffee. The moment Kalpana saw the trouser-clad, svelte woman in front of her, her mind was feverish with visions of her husband’s amorous relations with this "divorcee with loose morals." Before she could stop herself, she burst into a volley of abuses and told her to stay away from Vinod and stop messing up their lives. The shock of the outburst took everyone by surprise. Vinod was red in the face as he escorted Anita out of the house, apologising profusely for his wife’s bad behaviour. The daughters came out of their room, aghast at the scene their otherwise sensible mom had created. Vinod returned only to pack his overnight bag and leave without a word.

Kalpana was hysterical. Her 18-year-old elder daughter, for the first time saw how distraught her mother, was. She saw the insecurity, pain and loss of self-esteem. How had they missed it ? Perhaps, they had become so absorbed in pursuing their own goals that they had refused to sense her loneliness and frustration ? Had they taken her too much for granted and overlooked her need to be flattered and loved ? When had she turned from the loving, nurturing mother to this brooding, unhappy woman?

The mother-daughter spent the night talking like they had done years ago. Only now the roles had been reversed. When Kalpana’s tears dried, she looked up innocently into her daughter’s face saying: "Where did I go wrong?". A surge of emotions flitted across the young girl’s face as she struggled to put her thoughts across , " No doubt, pa should have given you more time. We can accuse him for burdening you with his share of parenting. But can we blame him 100 per cent for what you have become today ? While he was growing and expanding his network, your vision became narrower. Somewhere you just let yourself go. Sure, he didn’t give you a job on a platter but had you done something to keep yourself busy he would not have stopped you. Forget a job, there were so many other ways of making sure that you kept pace with him. When was the last time you had a real stimulating conversation with him?

We remember as children both of you sitting in the evenings, over tea, animatedly discussing the day’s happenings. When did that stop ? Why didn’t you question it then ? You neglected yourself physically, intellectually and mentally. And now that you have been confronted with a situation like today’s, you jump to the wildest of conclusions and let him down with your unreasonable behaviour. Chances are that you have exaggerated his friendly rapport with a female colleague in your mind but don’t you think you should have dealt with the situation with more dignity, without making him appear small in front of a junior?."

Vinod returned in the morning. He said he had spent the night at the company guesthouse. He had taken a week off. He too had been doing his share of thinking. He loved his family too much to risk losing them. He was willing to make amends and was hoping that Kalpana would be a partner to him the way she had been in the early years of their married life.