Sunday, June 10, 2001		Article

IF I say that every marriage has within it the seeds of divorce or disaster, the reader is likely to fret and frown because spouses, however bad their marriage, loathe to admit it.

That’s why, it’s universally believed that in a "happy" marriage, one of the partners is always lying.

There are arguments. When they are exhausted (which is too soon) verbal shootings take place. Then, come the fights, and in some cases, the fists. This is avoidable.

Yet, spouses can learn to fight just as they learn to make love. The couple learns love-making after marriage. They can do so in arguments, fights also, avoiding the ugly sequences.

If you disagree with your spouse, it does not mean that love has fallen on the ground like an autumn leaf. There is no reason to be alarmed; or nurse guilt.

Only a dimwit can "yes" everything the other spouse wants or demands. The wife and the husband are two different human beings in many respects.

This means that people with different temperaments, backgrounds and points of view are bound to disagree when they have to live 24 hours under the same roof. Either they live as strangers, sharing a room at the platform, or as partners in a two-legged race. Both blame marriage.

When a couple learns how to make love, it must also know how to fight.

Yes, fighting in marriage is an art which both spouses must learn. Love is a game like any other. So, it has its rules. It needs time and practice. One needs skill in communication in this relationship. One can ease problems of sex, money, profession, children by learning skills of communication.

Once spouses learn this, they eliminate many irritations and pins and thorns that puncture the relationship. In other words, they learn how to fight constructively.

Here are some helpful hints:

Don’t think it is personal. An argument simply means that you are on opposite sides of the fence. Both spouses are entitled to their thinking. Keep off the person and personality of your mate.

Don’t bring in irrelevant issues or ones from the past. Keep to the one you are discussing or arguing. When arguments dry up, avoid throwing mud. Let the better argument win. Be a sport. Agreement is better than disagreement. It’s like water on shoals.

Don’t try to be a winner, always. See holes in your own logic. There are no trophies waiting for the winners. Nor any punishment for the loser. Lose a battle to win the war. You can win by losing.

Don’t intentionally "hit" the spouse where it hurts most. That destroys the sense of self-respect. You will never be forgiven that hurt. Wounds from the sword are healed, not ones from the tongue.

Don’t threat. In the fire of the argument, it is likely. The foundation of a relationship should not be put at stake. If you feel like running away, run to a wise friend or a counsellor.

Help your mate save face by giving an opening. Screaming back invites louder screaming. The action is the mate’s but reaction is in yours. Control it.

Initiate truce talk. It is for the better partner (not always the better half) to show the white flag. You feel an inch taller by bringing about harmony.

Side-track an explosive issue, if you cannot avoid it. "Look at your slovenly dress," says one spouse. React by, "Look at these flowers." Or leave the scene of disharmony. It takes two to fight;

Put your finger on what you are fighting for. Instead of generating steam, generate clear thinking. Anger is temporary madness. Act in anger, repent at leisure.

Take notice of the children’s presence when you explode. Positive, constructive fighting conveys a signal to them. They begin to learn how mature, responsible persons work out their problems in marriage. Or they learn that fighting is the natural way of married life.

A couple was celebrating the silver jubilee of their marriage. One friend asked the husband the secret of their happiness. "The credit goes to my wife because she fights so well," replied the sensible husband.