Sunday, April 15, 2001		Life Ties

BINA was the first born. For eight years she enjoyed the attention of being the only child. Everything she did made news. When her brother was born after three miscarriages, the family’s attention was diverted to the new arrival. Being premature and weak, he had to be fed with a dropper and took up all the mother’s time. Eight-year-old Bina tried grabbing her share of physically demonstrative love by excelling in studies and extra-curricular activities. For a few seconds of undivided attention, she slogged for hours. When the third child, another baby girl, arrived after four years, Bina was expected to play surrogate mother. This, too, she did with sincerity and devotion, often sacrificing her own sleep and play time just to win a smile from her parents.

Seeking constant approval became a pressing need. Her life hinged on it. If she came first in class, the achievement itself did not make her happy until her parents and teacher publicly lauded her. If she laboured over a debate, it was solely to be appreciated by those she was convinced would otherwise ignore, forget and stop loving her. As she grew older, her entire sense of self-worth came to depend on what others thought of her. This need for constant approval extended to her wanting to maintain appearances at all times. If earlier it was only her parents whose good book she wanted to be in, the circle had now spread to include everyone she came in contact with.

Her capacity to endure expanded as she learnt to suppress her own needs. As a child when she broke out into rash on her stomach and back, she suffered the itching till it spread to her arms and face. When her mother scolded her for not telling her earlier and allowing it to aggravate, she felt worse for she could suffer the pain but not her mother’s displeasure. In college, she fell in love with a boy who came from a humble rural background. His father was a small-time trader who had not studied beyond Class XII. She was so terrified that her parents would label her the black sheep of the family that she severed ties with him. He was devoted to her and had a lot of potential.He was the kind who would have risen above his background, but the fear of parental rejection forced her to banish all thoughts of a future with him.

When she did get married to a respectable boy of her parents’ choice, her only concern was to never fail the people who had reposed confidence in her. Her own happiness did not matter. When she found that beneath the outer veneer of sophistication Vinod was abusive and uncouth, she swallowed her disappointment and used her energies to ‘protect’ him and his reputation. She pacified the servants when he abused them. She cried in the privacy of her room when he lashed out at her for trivial things. She quietened the kids and forced them to apologise even when they were not at fault. She stopped socialising with friends who advised her to give back as good as she got. And she went into raptures about his goodness, telling people how perfect their family was.

As if this was not enough, Bina discovered sachets of some strange smelling powder in Vinod’s clothes. Shock turned to disbelief when she realised that he was indulging in substance abuse (charas, ganja, smack). Her first reaction was to push it under the carpet. She tried telling herself that perhaps his dubious friends had forced it on him. She tried talking to him, urging him to quit and turn over a new leaf. He kept making false promises and she gave him one chance after another, overlooking his worsening addiction. She did not divulge the truth to any one. Now that he did not have to hide his habit from her, he became more bold and violent.

Instead of taking him to a doctor, she went to quacks to maintain anonymity and family prestige. She was terrified that once the cat was out of the bag, all the family secrets would also be out. Not for a moment did she think of confronting the situation, involving her parents in making him change his wild ways and giving the kids a better atmosphere at home. She failed to see that while her docility stemmed from an inner strength, her children were fragile.

It was when her younger sister came and stayed with her for a week that she was forced to see how bad the situation had really become. Brinda was aghast at how Bina had taken so much nonsense without cracking up. She was also very angry because she felt that Bina had actually nurtured the demon in him. Wanting to be dutiful and perfect in the eyes of the world was fine, but when things were really bad her attention should have been on finding solutions. Why had her sensible elder sister not done so was because of a lopsided sense of duty. Her son had become a sissy and was always bullied in class. The daughter had got into an abusive relationship with a boy four years her senior. He ill-treated her but she was content with a few morsels of his affection. How come Bina had not seen what her kids were going through? Had she been so busy covering up and pretending that all was well that she had failed to see the ill-adjusted, emotional wrecks her teenaged children had turned into?

Brinda trashed Bina’s efforts of a lifetime at keeping up appearances, especially since they had served no purpose. Even if the world perceived them as one happy family what had Bina achieved? Was that false image worth the trauma that she and her kids had gone through? Why had Bina not used the same intelligence and energy to set things right? Had she been firm with Vinod from the beginning, he wouldn’t have become the irresponsible wastrel that he was now. She should have ensured that he got medical help the moment she had found out he was a drug addict. Besides damaging his health further, she had put herself and her innocent kids in his direct line of fire. Given his erratic and violent behaviour, it was a miracle he had not physically harmed them. Why had she not insisted that he behave with decorum at least in front of the kids?

By trying to keep everyone happy, she had ended up with a situation where on one was happy. Her first duty was to herself and her children and she had failed there. It was still not too late. Brinda told her that Vinod had gotten used to having his own way. His dependence on her was complete She could use that to force him to seek medical and psychiatric help and focus all her energies in ensuring that her children were not permanently scarred. Seeing Bina crying Brinda gently told her, "I know I have demolished the value system you built for yourself but don’t you see that it is all very well to make the most of an adverse situation? When things get really bad, corrective action has to be taken, a noise has to be made and help has to be solicited, even if it amounts to some amount of exposure and public talk. By not doing any of this, you have damaged your own and the family’s self-interest."