For the first time in many years, an old man went to a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn’t help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents." "Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "you’re really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn’t maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about.

His words and his demeanor seemed to make most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crewmember attached the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren’t those parachutes?"

The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn’t," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We’re going to get help."

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Ten minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV!

You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob! And furthermore..." The man looks up at her and says, "It’s started..."

There was an earthquake recently that scared the inhabitants of a certain town. One couple sent their little boy to stay with an uncle in another district, explaining the reason for the nephew’s sudden visit. A day later the parents received this telegram, "Am returning your boy. Send the earthquake."

United Airlines and asked for a reservation from Los Angeles to New York. The clerk knew that the plane was very full with baggage and passengers. "How much do you weigh, Sir?" asked the clerk. "With or without clothes?" the passenger asked. "Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?"

An English teacher spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors in her students’ written work. She wasn’t sure how much impact she was having until one overly busy day when she sat at her desk rubbing her temples.

A student asked, "What’s the matter, Mrs. Sheridan?" "Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state. After a slight pause the student tried again, "What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter... ?"

These jokes have been culled from the Net by Sunil Sharma