LONG ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on, however, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day’s occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?" The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid."

The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.

The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer’s file and called him into his office.

"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behaviour indicate that you’re ready to go home. I’m only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn’t kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."

There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"

"Honey, It’s me. Are you at the club?"

"Yes."

"Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat. It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

"What’s the price?"

"Only $1,500.00"

"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."

"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 at a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last

year..." "What price did he quote you?"

"Only $60,000..."

"OK buy it".

"Great!, before we hang up, something else..."

"What?"

"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning, and I saw the house we had looked at

last year, it’s on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beach front property..."

"How much are they asking?"

"Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."

"Well, than go ahead and buy it"..

OK?

"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I’ll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye... I do, too..."

The man hangs up, closes the phone’s flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:
"Er... Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Suffering from a bad case of the flu, the outraged patient bellowed, "Three weeks! The doctor can’t see me for three weeks? I could well be dead by then!"

Calmly the voice at the other end of the line replied, "If so, would you have your wife call to cancel your appointment?"

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "what is 1 and 1?"

"Eleven," she replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That’s not what I meant, but she’s right." "What two days of the week start with the letter ‘T’?"

"Today and tomorrow."

He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don’t know."

"Well, why don’t you go home and work on that one for a while?" So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant.

"It went great! First day on the job and I’m already working on a murder case!"

(Culled from the Net by Sunil Sharma)