Sunday, February 4, 2001		Life Ties

MAHESH had risen from the ranks. He had joined as a secretary in a hotel and gone on to become the deputy general manager. Although he had no major ambitions, he had still done better than most of his colleagues. But his parents and wife never failed to remind him that had he tried a little harder he could have done much better for himself.

Life for him was something to be endured. It had a momentum which he didn’t want to disturb. He neither had any complaints nor expectations. He was happy to drift along, till he attended a yogic congregation. There the gurus talked of seeking the self and giving up materialism. They made him look at his life and relationships in a new light. Although he had no problems which he could list down, he started feeling disconnected.

The urge to get away from it all gripped him. For the first time in his life, he started dreaming of living alone-- completely free and unfettered. From a nagging thought, it turned into an obsession. He convinced himself into believing that his absence from job, home and society would not be missed since his presence in any case didn’t make any significant difference. Wasn’t he always getting in people’s way? Didn’t his wife have an unending tale of woes, blaming him for all the wrongs in their life? Didn’t his children listen more to his brother than him? Wasn’t he sidelined in office as the younger brat pack hogged the limelight? He wouldn’t be missed much. They would get along.

He gave no explanation, left no note and made no phone calls. He just got up one morning and walked out of the front door. He was carrying just Rs 1500, enough to buy him his train ticket. Mahesh was one person whose routine was predictable. Since he wasn’t given to erratic behaviour, his family couldn’t comprehend his vanishing. They made the rounds of hospitals and rang up relatives, friends and colleagues to establish a pattern in his mood of the preceding days.

They could now see that he had turned silent, lost his appetite and was avoiding social contact weeks before vanishing. They inserted his picture in newspapers,made rounds of dargahs and temples and met astrologers. When nothing worked, after two years of hoping, worrying and dreading, they moved on with their lives.

Eight years went by. Mahesh went from one ashram to another. From Kurukshetra to Puri; Pune to Banaras; Chicago to Oregaon. He lived at the Osho commune,Chinmaya and Ramakrishna Mission and after eight years of searching and finding, resisting and yielding; he felt his quest was over. He could return to the life he had left behind.

Like Rip Van Winkle, he emerged from the time warp expecting things to be just the way he had left them. He knew his wife and children must have grown during this period. She might have re-married. But when he found that she was still single and working in the same company, staying in the same rented house, his hopes began to rise. He got to know that his daughter had married earlier that year and son was studying in an engineering college.

With much trepidation, he rang the doorbell. There was shock and disbelief in Manju’s eyes.She did not rush into his arms with tears streaming down her face, the way he had hoped. She just stood there, looking at him and then coldly asked him where he has been all this while.

He walked in and tried telling her about the intervening years, about how he had felt propelled by a force beyond his control and how to retain his sanity he had succumbed. She continued looking at him stonily, unconvinced.

There were no questions, no letting up in her expression. When he had finished, she just asked him, "Now what?" He was taken aback because he wasn’t prepared to find her in this calm and composed state. A chill ran down his spine. He suggested, "Things can go back to what they were. I promise I will make up for the time I was not here."

She now lost control. Screaming and shouting, she started throwing things around. How dare he return so nonchalantly and expect to be re-installed as if nothing had happened? How could he compensate for eight years of agony and uncertainty, of living with a question mark — was he alive or dead? She told him that by returning he had destroyed the hazy mythical notion they had built in his absence. She had missed him, grieved and worried for him, but now she hated him. Responsibilities, roles and relationships could not be discarded on a whim, she yelled.

While earlier they had adjusted to his absence they may not be able to cope with his sudden reappearance. It didn’t give him the right to remote control their lives. How they managed while he was away, what they did — wasn’t that any of his concern? At no stage had he looked back.

There had been times when the kids were sick, or needed their father.There were also occasions when people took advantage of a woman whose marital status was suspect or when uncouth men made lewd passes at their teenaged daughter. How could she forget all that, more so now that she knew that while she was going through trials by fire he was chanting hymns in some godforsaken ashram? Why did he not take her into confidence before leaving?

And now that his so-called spiritual search was over, how could he hope to take up from where he had left? Even if she had chosen not to re-marry, it didn’t give him a licence to move in. He had ceased to be her life partner, especially now that she knew he had deserted her and the children at the most crucial part of their lives.

No, she could not forgive him. She had learnt to live without him. He had been unwise in returning and creating a whole new set of conflicts.

Mahesh understood what she was saying. He knew he had wronged them. He had shied away from his responsibility. He was confused and had been selfish. He had sinned. But he wanted to atone. He asked her if he could meet the kids just once and talk to them. May be when they heard him, they would not abhor him the way she did. It was his only hope of making a fresh beginning by seeking their forgiveness.

He met them and talked of his orphaned childhood, search for the Self, need to get away and pain he had carried in his chest. Some of their bitterness went away and they begin to thaw. He was, after all, their father. They felt helpless. They didn’t want to get in the way of their mother’s final decision but agreed to stay in touch, write and meet him whenever possible.

They also hoped that their mother’s wounds would heal and she would, in the not-so-distant future, agree to his moving in. At least, the link had been restored,and the future was not all that bleak now.