Sunday, January 14, 2001		Life Ties

LOVE stories never cease to fascinate. They get you misty-eyed, nostalgic and sentimental. A young couple in love, holding hands, saying a thousand words through their eyes is a sight most of us find awfully cute. Even the cynics are rather indulgent. But when we see a not-married-to-each-other couple with greying hair, balding pate and a pot belly whispering sweet-nothings into each other’s ears our eyebrows shoot up quizzically and the mind tries to figure out the extent of their affections.

When Ridhima, a 49-year-old guest relations officer of a five -star hotel in Delhi, found that she got along famously with Subrato, her daughter’s would be father-in-law, the family was thrilled. They were relieved to see both the widowed parents taking the samdhi relationship further by turning into reliable friends. They had seen enough tension in the family owing to the unreasonableness of the older lot who had fragile egos, huge expectations and a false sense of prestige.

Birthdays, anniversaries and festivals now became fun-events as everyone joined in the bonhomie.There was lighthearted banter, harmless flirting and lots of laughter. Both Ridhima and Subrato were fun-loving people.In addition to regular desk jobs, both had developed eclectic interests to ward off boredom and loneliness which the death of their partners had brought about. They played tennis, were avid theatre-goers and film watchers, had a large circle of friends and were great gourmets who loved entertaining. Despite their gregariousness, they yearned for like-minded company.

Their relationship unfolded spontaneously. Initially, they met at family dinners, festivals and occasional celebrations. Then they started going out on their own. Buying a gift for their son or daughter’s birthday or planning the wardrobe and nursery of the soon to be born grand child were events which acquired a new meaning in their lives. Connected as they were to their children by virtue of being parents, there was now greater happiness in doing things together.

The fact that they could talk effortlessly to each other, laugh at silly things, feel passionately for the same causes and unburden their darkest thoughts and secrets was a comforting thought. They felt secure in each other’s company and this was a feeling both admitted to experiencing for the first time after their spouse’s passing away. Both were intelligent enough to recognise and appreciate that their bond was rare.

While their children understood their friendship without resenting their increasing closeness and dependence, the extended family was not too comfortable with this intimacy. Awkward silences and hushed whispers began when the couple started going out minus the family.They began questioning as to why they were going out so frequently for dinners, plays and shopping trips. Ridhima, who was always well turned out and looked much younger than her 49 years, suddenly became the target of much scrutiny.

They also felt that Ridhima was trespassing into forbidden territory. Wasn’t the girl’s side supposed to maintain a discreet distance from the boy’s family and home? They felt it could cause a rift in the young couple’s new marriage and also set tongues wagging. Subroto’s family, on their part, labelled Ridhima a schemer and manipulator, who had first planted her daughter on their nephew and now had designs on the rich and vulnerable Subroto.

Their colleagues and friends took a while to reconcile to the situation and to accept that their’s was more than the conventional in-laws’ relationship. But the family’s strange behaviour worried both Ridhima and Subrato. They became acutely conscious of the fact that they were the cause of much embarrassment to them, and the family, relatives and neighbours were talking behind their back.

Ridhima had reasoned it out with herself. Her husband had died when she was expecting their second child. At that time her entire family had pressurised her to get married. But she was adamant on being loyal to Rohan by not remarrying. She just ignored the proposals which kept pouring in and drowned herself in carving out a stable career for herself. Her only priority was to ensure that the kids be well adjusted and secure. In spite of working eight to ten hours a day, she would manage to take them for art exhibitions and magic shows, organise fun parties for them at home, cook lavish meals for their friends and enthusiastically pitch in with all their school assignments and projects. Where she got so much energy and time from was a question people kept popping at her all the time.

She remembered how in those days her elder cousins, aunts and uncles would try hard to make her see the dismal future. They told her that old age was a curse. They pointed out that the kids who were her anchors would have to fly the nest and lead their own independent lives. She too would retire after a point of time. Then how would she spend her twilight years?

Ridhima would make light of their concerns most of the time. Although she wasn’t consciously looking out for company, she hadn’t really met anyone who she could think of settling down with. And now when she had found Subroto, notwithstanding the unconventional manner and setting, the same people were feeling outraged.

According to Ridhima,"Ours is not a love relationship which oozes passion. It goes much deeper than that. The fact that we can talk to each other, share our concerns, reveal our vulnerabilities, without the fear of being taken advantage of, is a great relief. Age lends a rare maturity to love and creates a stabilising, balancing influence. It is like finding a centre." Marriage may or may not happen.

But for the time being, they know that they are unwilling to give up their precious bond just because of the short-sighted pretensions of their so-called well-meaning brood.They value what they share and are happy to have found that special chemistry and wave length. They see no wrong in it and are hopeful that the extended family will eventually come around. They have to be patient and wait so that they get used to the idea without reacting.It is enough, they feel, that their children understand them and are happy for them.