Sunday, October 1, 2000		Life Ties

VISHAL was an intelligent and hard working 18-year-old. Unlike his MTV-crazy classmates, this good-looking, athletic young man wanted to utilise each waking minute effectively. So it was computer classes in the morning, college in the afternoon, a foreign language course in the evening and extra reading (autobiographies of great people) at night. He came from a respectable middle class family and had no financial obligations. His role model was Bill Gates. He wanted to become rich and famous but without the help of a godfather and without using any unfair means.

One evening, over dinner, his father good-humouredly ticked him off for buying a rather expensive pair of shoes. The senior gentleman casually said, "It is only when you earn that you will realise the value of money. The easiest thing to do is splurge on parents’ hard-earned cash." That was it. Vishal swallowed his hurt and resolved to ‘show Dad’ that he could fend for himself.

The same evening, he approached a tuition bureau, presented his credentials and went to his prospective employers’ residences. His being a topper at school, an active debater and a national level sportsperson, were reasons enough for parents to repose confidence in him. What made his case stronger was his sincerity and earnestness. He landed three assignments. That was the easy part. Then came the tough part. He had to juggle his routine to accommodate these additional engagements. Being committed made it tougher still. Unlike most home tutors, he was not a clock-watcher. So, the mandatory one-hour tuition invariably extended itself to an hour and a half. He got completely involved with his students’ grooming. It wasn’t just a matter of helping them with homework and grades but in making them better human beings. He became their confidante, friend, motivator and counsellor. Parents ‘used’ him to communicate with their children and he soon became indispensable.

Vishal took his new role seriously. He was earning more than Rs 4,000 and could now pay for his computer lessons, petrol and other expenses. Unfortunately, his responsibilities and change in attitude alienated him from his peer group. He didn’t have time to party, socialise and hang around with the gang. All of a sudden life turned serious. His day would begin at 4 a.m. when he would do his college work. At 9 a.m., he went for his computer classes and then to his college. He rushed home for a quick lunch and, without taking a siesta, he would begin his tutoring. He would get home just in time for dinner. There were days he went sleep in the same pair of shoes he had worn in the morning. His meal timings were erratic and he had all but lost his hearty appetite. He was also slipping in class tutorials. His mother worried at his growing obsession with ‘becoming something.’ She knew that the entire exercise was an attempt at proving to his father that he could be independent emotionally and financially. Worried, she spoke to her husband to have a talk with their son and persuade him to put an end to his punishing schedule and get back to being the ambitious young adult he was. The father said he didn’t want to interrupt the cycle. Vishal had chosen to take a certain path and was struggling to cope with the demands of the situation. He wanted to wait for the right moment when the essence of what he had to say would not be lost. Besides, he knew that his son would lose steam and get down to business when he saw his own academic grades falling.

Meanwhile, Vishal was steadily losing weight. Within six months, he lost more than 12 kg. He was making a conscious attempt to fight exhaustion, lack of sleep and physical weariness. When concerned relatives tried warning him against Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and early burnout, he did not pay heed to them. He had no time to indulge in negative thoughts. Then one day, after a gruelling tutoring schedule, he found that he just couldn’t get up. He was weak, dizzy and had a sinking feeling. He knew it was time to go to the doctor. Panic buttons were pressed. It was suspected to be tuberculosis. Tests were prescribed. For two days the entire family was in a state of distress. That was the time he did some serious thinking. Fortunately, it turned out to be nothing but stress, anaemia and vitamin deficiency. He was advised complete bed rest, a high-protein diet and lots of sleep. His father felt the time was ripe to have a heart-to-heart chat with his son. He told him, "Let this incident be a timely lesson -- having faith in yourself is more important than proving anything to the world. We have confidence in your capabilities. But what matters is having a belief in what you stand for. By twisting a stray remark out of context and taking it so seriously, you jeopardised your own interests. We never doubted your ability to earn or stand on your own feet. But is that your ultimate goal? At 18, taking tuitions shouldn’t be your priority. Make a future for yourself, enjoy campus life and make friends. These years become a reference point for one’s whole life as one draws sustenance from youthful memories. If you know you are good, capable and principled, that is enough. Scale the peaks of success, undertake the most impossible expeditions, keep adapting and changing to better your best not to earn a certificate of commendation from the world but to stretch your own limits, to push yourself beyond your own levels of endurance and to pitch yourself one notch higher on your own personal rating system. You proved your point but at what cost? You hurt our feelings, ruined your health and most importantly, you let down the people you made lofty commitments to. Was it worth it?"

Indeed, hadn’t he promised the moon to his students’ parents when he told them he would be a sincere tutor and they would have no reason to complain? Hadn’t he taken the children under his wing and made a commitment to teach them for the full academic year? All three homes where he was a tutor depended on him for their children’s’ academic progress. He had collapsed right in the middle of their exams. Even though he had been forced by his doctors and family to quit tutoring (he still wanted to get back), he couldn’t forgive himself for the fact that he had left when it really mattered. He was unable to give them any notice. They could have scraped through the exams but his not coming at all was a big blow to them, more so since they were so fond of him. While he had succeeded in proving his point, his ‘achievement’ failed to give him the happiness it should have.