Sunday, August 27, 2000		Life Ties

SHE was vivacious, warm and friendly. He was intense, quiet, and successful. Together, they were a handsome power couple who impacted every party and gathering they walked into. He was smitten by the effortless ease with which she got along with people. Whether it was her witticism or the ability to stretch and reach out to help others, he could not help admiring her growing circle of friends and admirers. A friend of his had once told him, "It is impossible not to fall in love with her". Seeing her, his heart always skipped a beat and he counted himself lucky for being the chosen one. She gravitated towards him because he made her feel secure and cared for. He was neither frivolous nor a braggart, very unlike the boyish men she knew.

Over the next two years, friends and family were saddened to see her exuberant spirit diminish. She was now guarded and cautious when she spoke. There was also a definite change in her appearance. Gone were the bright and daring strappy dresses. There were now tyres around the waist and dark circles beneath the eyes. No one missed the furtive glances she kept casting in his direction, a range of emotions flitting across her expressive eyes. There was anxiety, fear, self-doubt and sadness in them. Where was her confidence and optimism?

Wasn’t she the same person who used to be so perceptive to others’ suffering? Friends recalled how she flared up angrily at those who couldn’t stand up for themselves and continued to take nonsense from spouses and in-laws. With disbelief she would exclaim, "How can you do this to yourself"?

Now, her family and friends couldn’t find answers to questions which ripped their heart when they saw her ‘perfect’ marriage disintegrating. The final straw was when her grandmother died and she went to pay her last respects. He called up and brutally told her to stay put. He didn’t want her back. There was no scope for negotiation or a patch-up. His decision was final. Their marriage was over.

Was it a clear case of a mis-match? Or was it one of those delusionary perfect romances which swear by the opposites attract credo only to fall flat once the initial honeymoon is over and both the spouses are irked by their separateness? Perhaps, it was a gender power struggle with the male trying to assert his supremacy by subjugating the female and getting her to conform to the image he had in his mind. Whatever the reason, the fact was that within a span of two years dreams had gone bust, hopes thwarted and lives were messed up. The girl who could befriend a room full of strangers was reduced to a lifeless puppet suspended on a string controlled by the husband. Her spirit and confidence were totally crushed.

While she said she hated men and was never going to get married again, he was on the verge of getting engaged to a girl who was almost a replica of his former wife — good looking, social and charismatic. Wasn’t it strange? If his first marriage was a disaster, why did he seek a similar partner the second time round? Shouldn’t he have been drawn to someone who was homely, coy and demure?

According to marriage counsellors, "When opposites attract, it is because each of them sub consciously desires the other to complement him/her, fulfilling in the process his own shortcomings. Storms loom large on the marital horizon when one tries to reform or change the other. They don’t realise that unless they address their own complexities, they will not be able to have a healthy, loving relationship."

The problem here, according to the ex-wife, was that while he was attracted to her friendly and outgoing temperament, he left threatened by her popularity and the large circle of friends. There was always an underlying fear that she would either get bored of him or find someone more interesting. It wasn’t that he was jealous, he just "loved her too much and couldn’t risk losing her". He, therefore, clamped a list of do’s and don’ts, hoping it would keep her safe under his control. She changed her lifestyle to keep the marriage intact. But, somewhere each adjustment and denial made her withdraw into a shell. When she was asked not to drive but use a chauffeur, she was not flattered by his concern. She felt that since he didn’t trust her he had planted his spy on her. When he asked her to wear clothes which wouldn’t attract too much attention she didn’t buy his logic of I-want- you- only -for-myself. Instead, she felt he was trying to stifle her personal growth.

When he ticked her off for laughing and talking excitedly, she couldn’t see how she was being vulgar or suggestive in her body language. She wasn’t convinced that he was only trying to change her for her own good because he really loved her and wanted to protect her. She kept internalising all the hurts and disappointments and they created a gulf between them.

What they did not realise was that they were both victims of their deep-rooted insecurities. While he was attracted to her looks and excellent social skills, he feared she would leave him for someone better. Also, having been brought up in a conservative environment, he had seen the women of his household always being part of the background. It excited him to see a woman who was vivacious, modern and unselfconscious — things which he wanted to be but couldn’t because of his social and family conditioning. So, although there was nothing promiscuous about her behaviour, his insecurity of losing her forced him to change her.

She, on her part, was desperate to make the marriage work. Rather than confronting and arguing with him, expressing her feelings on his illogical set of demands, she continued to compromise. It was easier to relent and do his bidding. She didn’t want to precipitate an issue and create unpleasantness. Then why were they still so miserable? She did not feel secure and happy, and he too was edgy, suspicious and dictatorial. There was no spontaneity in their relationship. Just a few years ago, they used to crave for each other’s company but now they dreaded being in the same room. Friends could slice the tension between them with a knife, it was so palpable.

Ironically, while he was responsible in bringing about certain changes in her, he felt angry and let down when he saw that she was not the person he had married. He couldn’t understand why she no longer wanted to socialise. Why was she always unwell, making excuses for going out? Why didn’t she have something funny to say and why had she started looking so dull and ordinary? Trapped within the maze of their emotional and physical insecurities, they had distanced themselves from each other. Unsure of what exactly they wanted from their marital relationship, they had refused to accept each other as two separate entities who were in no way extensions of their own incomplete selves. By

failing to appreciate each other’s unique worth, they chose to focus on what they perceived to be negatives. In spite of trying hard to make things work, they only ended up losing confidence in each other and blocking all channels of communication. Unfortunately, unless he is willing to address and dissolve his own insecurities, history will repeat itself in his second marriage.