Sunday, July 30, 2000		Life Ties

Do not retire from life
By Taru Bahl

AS a serving Brigadier he commanded stations, had a retinue of staff at his beck and call and led a hectic social life. But he was a practical and sensible man who knew that the glory would last only till he wore his uniform and stripes. The moment he crossed the 55-year mark, he would be stripped of his authority, power, clout and status. As an ordinary retired citizen he would have to prepare himself mentally, physically and psychologically, if he wanted not to nurse a bruised ego and a sense of pitiable worthlessness.

He, therefore, accepted retirement gracefully. Although there were no drivers, batmen, orderlies and battalions of sergeants who would appear at the press of a bell to polish his shoes, drive him around, run all his bank and post office errands, he adjusted and adapted to the demands of the changed situation. While he was still serving, he had added to his qualification by doing diplomas in management training and development. He had learnt golf and was already playing on the amateur circuit. He had a circle of serious- minded friends who did not belong to the Services.

However, what he was not prepared for was his family’s attitude towards his status as an ex-serviceman. Although his approach was never authoritarian, he was the undisputed head of the family. What came as a rude shock was that he no longer mattered. He was expected to compromise with his needs, preferences and routine since he was now ‘free’ while the others in the family had more important and pressing things to do. His wife would tell him to let the children use the bathroom in the morning since they had to attend their offices and he had nothing to do. He could go later. Decisions like buying and/ or renovating the house, servicing the family car, making financial investments and job-hopping were taken by the children without consulting him seriously. He was kept in the picture but more out of a sense of duty.

He was looking forward to his retirement as a phase when he could do things he hadn’t found time for during his active service years. He was interested in classical music, reading, writing and golf. He had even built his house keeping his interests in mind. The basement was to be his den where he could have baithaks with like-minded friends. But the children converted it into a bar-cum-dance floor which used to reverberate with music till the wee hours of the morning. He did not resent their socialising or their wild partying but he did feel hurt that his desires were ignored.

Everybody had his own routine. Since he was the one without anything concrete to do, he was expected to fill in as the emergency man who would ensure the smooth functioning of the house. He was responsible for all electricity, plumbing, repair and renovation jobs. His wife had her kitty and card group. He was expected to drive her around at odd hours. Whenever the children had parties he was expected to make himself scarce lest their friends be ill at ease. When the servants were on leave he was expected to make his own tea, iron his clothes, and even make his own meals. It wasn’t that he expected pampering, but these were basic things which he had taken for granted during his serving years.

He had always taken his two rounds of tea in the morning in style. While he read the newspapers in the lawn, he would leisurely sip tea from the family silver tea set. Now the tea set had been taken by the married daughter and he had to do with a hurriedly prepared cuppa served whenever the kitchen was free.

Although he did not plan to take up a job, he felt it was best he did something worthwhile and was out of everybody’s hair at home. He joined as NGO an their chief administrative officer but insisted that his services would be voluntary. He took Re 1 as token payment and requested that he be picked up from and dropped home. He enjoyed his work and found it a worthy diversion. He used his armed forces background to streamline procedures and bring about greater efficiency in the set up. His family didn’t appreciate it much since he didn’t earn a fat salary at the end of the month. He stepped up his golfing and took to entertaining his friends in the club. Soon he came to terms with his diminished sense of worth at home by finding pleasure and happiness in his interests.

He got together a group of people who were interested in classical music. He told his friends that he could not entertain at home so they met once a week at others’ homes. The mehfil grew. They invited well-known artistes, had lecture demonstrations and even gave performances. He formed a small exclusive book-reading club where they shared views and interacted with each other. They became his life-line. Though he was now close to 70, he was sought after at parties for his ready wit, sporting spirit and social skills. He still remained the family man he was. He no longer felt hurt at their lack of involvement in things which meant so much to him.

He lived in the same locality as my parents and every time I was in Delhi, I would take out the time to go to the park where I knew he would be walking and exercising from 6 pm to 7 pm. He would be thrilled to see me and we would go for a long walk talking of books, movies, music and philosophising about life. He was great company. Last week when I was in Delhi he came over to invite me to his 70th birthday bash which he had planned at the Gymkhana Club as a thanksgiving to all the people who had made his 15 post-retirement years such bliss. When I tried telling him that I may not be in town at that time, he insisted that I change my travel plans. He tried to convince me by saying that the party would not be an‘oldies affair’. Knowing him, I knew he wasn’t lying. His list of friends read like a virtual who’s who from the field of art, culture, academics, medicine, politics and business. The age group too varied from 20-90 ! I knew it would be an evening well-spent -- a celebration of a life which was unfettered and undaunted despite the odds. It was about a person who was lively, full of energy and enthusiasm and who touched the lives of those he came into contact with.

Next morning when I opened the newspaper my eyes chanced upon a picture on the obituary page. He had passed away the previous evening in his sleep. The beautiful thing was that when I went to his house to pay my condolences, I learnt that the birthday party was on and that all his friends had decided to congregate at the club to pay their homage to him. The prayer meeting was an unusual one. It was a melting pot of so many different minds and yet there was so much love, warmth and affection. The kind of anecdotes each one of them shared revealed what an unusual person he was. I only wished his family could have been there to see and acknowledge the contribution he made in his post-retirement years. Far from being a wash out, a has been; he had come into his own.