Dr B.L. Jindal, a retired professor of sociology, explains: Most of these parents think that good schooling raises the value of their offspring in the marriage market. They do not give a dime for the mental development of the children who grow up in western-style boarding houses where the emphasis is on development of their overall personality. So the child grows up in a totally different environment while the parents just wait for them to come out of school or college and settle down in small towns — girls as mere housewives and boys as good faithful husbands who alternate between work and home day after day.

"It is a complete shock for us", says Tamanna who was educated in a convent school and went on to become a carefree jean-clad, motorbike-riding bubbly girl before her marriage turned her overnight into a coy, young housewife barred from wearing jeans or riding Hero Hondas. "I was the eldest of four siblings and my father always treated me as his son. I did all the work from paying telephone bills to making purchases and dropping my younger brother to school. But when it came to marriage, I had no say. I was suddenly engaged and my lifestyle changed from the moment I exchanged the De Beers’ rings. I always wanted to run a business of my own, but I am now a bored housewife, changing nappies and remote controlled by the hubby. Fortunately, he is an understanding person and does his best to keep me happy. But still....", she drops the sentence midway.

But her father Rakesh Kumar does not agree. He goes on to quote a famous author. "By the time a son realises his father was right, he has a son who thinks his father is wrong. It’s just that Tamanna will soon realise I was right. I may be rich, but that does not mean my children should be corrupted like those of Mumbaiwalas. It’s fine to wear jeans and live like you want in your father’s house.But the in-laws want their daughter-in-law to be a shy, pallu-on-head girl who only looks at the floor in the presence of elders. After all, this is Haryana — the good old conservative land of the Mahabharata and I come from a family known for its good moral values and humble living. Good education does not mean you live any differently".

These children begin to feel the shocks early in life. "While I grew up with girls from modern families with affluent lifestyles, my parents continued with their conservative lifestyle. In fact, on my visits home I began to notice that despite being richer than my friends’ families; we had a shabby lifestyle. I visited my friends’ places frequently but was afraid to bring them home.My father solved the problem by putting up my three friends in a hotel for a couple of days but I could not tell my friends why I did not take them home," says Arundhati Singhal, who went to Miranda House in Delhi. She says her parents continue to live shabbily (two buffaloes occupy their front lawn) to this day despite their money.

"I was always taught to be humble.If I have made money should I display it ostentatiously? What will my kunba (enlarged family) think? That money has gone to my head? Friends or no friends, I will neither live like a fukra nor allow my children to do so", her father Ramesh Singhal retorts angrily.

However, not all these children adjust to the alien environment easily. Many just rebel. Take for instance the case of Dr Meenakshi Arora who comes from a rural-based conservative family. She went to a medical college and spent eight years in hostel before becoming a surgeon. By nature she was very independent. The years spent in the hostel taught her to be self-reliant. However, she was married off by her conservative parents to a doctor who was educated in rural schools and small town colleges before entering a medical college. Her husband failed to appreciate her individuality and identity. Consequently, the marriage broke down after a year.

After the divorce, Meenakshi did not want to remarry. But her aging parents failed to see her problem and virtually blackmailed her into a second marriage. The second husband too came from a conservative family. The two failed to adjust and after three years of turmoil, they divorced. After two failed marriages, Meenakshi is now living alone with her daughter. Her elder sister Savita stayed at home and went to a college in their hometown Rohtak. She got married and is considered by her family as "happily settled", while they think Meenakshi was just plain unlucky and foolhardy.

Nevertheless, Meenakshi says she is much happier living the life of a divorcee. "It is not easy by any means. A young, good- looking divorcee is seen by most men as an easy catch. In the beginning I had trouble ignoring such lechers. But, things are better now", she says, adding that she has the satisfaction of shaping her own destiny.

It is not girls alone who feel the pinch. Numerous boys too face the same trauma. Suman’s brother Rajinder fell in love with a classmate at a premier management institute, but his father was opposed to the marriage. Therefore, Rajinder married a semi-literate girl of his father’s choice. However, his affair with his ex-beau continues to this day. Given the liberal attitudes such young men and women have these days, they don’t mind continuing their extramarital affairs. ‘‘It’s hard to forget each other. Moreover, what is wrong with my affair with my former classmate? It is not our fault that we were not allowed to marry. No, I can’t break this liaison’’, said Rajinder and his beloved nodded her approval.

Though Punjabis are generally considered more progressive as compared to Haryanvis, yet, the Land of Five Rivers is not free from such woes. Deepa Gupta whose father runs a highly profitable factory in Dhuri passed her ICSE examination from a girls’ residential school in Dehradun last month. She scored 88 per cent marks in the examination. She wanted to become a doctor. Unfortunately, she did not fare well in the numerous medical entrance tests she appeared in. Her father, Ram Sarup Gupta, who hails from a nearby village, refused to get her admitted to a medical college on a paid seat. According to him, the Rs 25 lakh to be spent on the MBBS course could be better spent on her marriage to a rich boy.

He justifies his decision saying: ‘‘What is the use of a MBBS degree? We are business people. Deepa will have to marry a businessman with a similar background as ours. No such family wants a daughter-in-law working as a doctor. The whole investment will be a total waste. As a bania I have to consider the financial side as well. I can’t invest in her career which she will not be allowed to pursue. I will let her study in a local arts college until I find a match for her.’’

Deepa is heart-broken. But she realises she will have to reconcile to her father’s views. ‘‘I am puzzled. Why was I sent to such a good school if all I was expected to do was to get married and attend kitty parties. I will not let that happen to my daughter. Come what may, my daughter will do what she thinks is best for her. I am determined not to let her become another Deepa’’, she says in a determined tone.

Even a traditionally modern and progressive city like Patiala today has parents who adopt rigid attitude because of their rural upbringing, ignoring the fact that their children were born and brought up in an entirely different atmosphere. Birbal Sharma was born in Sanaur near Patiala. His father was a postman. However, he started a business in Patiala immediately after his schooling in 1969. He now lives in a posh colony and has done well in life. He has three daughters.

The eldest daughter Nayanika graduated from the GCW, Patiala, and was married to a businessman settled in the North-East. She is the darling of the family. She gave them no trouble and married the boy chosen by her father. However, her younger sister Mrinalini turned out to be Nayanika’s opposite. She graduated three years ago and then joined a computer course. There she met Rajan, an electronics engineer and son of a chief engineer working with the Punjab State Electricity Board. They fell in love and wantd to get married.

All hell broke loose in Birbal Sharma’s home once Mrinalini told her father she wanted to marry a non-Brahmin who would take up a job like his father. Sharma always wanted her to marry a businessman. For several months Mrinalini was confined to her home. However, she did not relent. Finally, with some help from his elder daughter, Sharma reluctantly agreed to the marriage.Nevertheless, neither Mrinalini nor her husband is welcome in the Sharma household.

Once bitten twice shy, Birbal Sharma did not allow his youngest daughter Aprajita to join a computer course after her final year examination inMay.He is frantically looking for a "suitable" boy to marry her "lest she too strays and marries a lowly-paid employees," he says.

Mrinalini and her husband migrated to the USA last year and are happily settled. "I have no regrets at all. On the contrary,I am happier thanNayanika. I am pursuing my computer course in New York and will soon take up a job," she says.

Her father-in-law Jayant Puri has still not been able to understand Birbal Sharma’s point of view. "My son had a bright future. I am myself so highly placed and well off. I fail to see how Birbal concluded that an employee could not keep his wife happy. I can understand we belong to different castes but his other objection can only be attributed to his rural and conservative background. Nevertheless, I am happy he ultimately relented," he said.

Charanjit Kaur (44), a former TV newsreader, now based in Patiala says she was lucky that despite their rural background her parents gave her complete independence to choose her education, career and husband. "But even today I find such cases are rare indeed. I wish all fathers had the liberal attitude of my father. I had no brother. So, he looked upon my husband as his son and even agreed to live with us till he died a decade ago."

She suggested that good schools should periodically hold parents’ meetings to educate them. Attention should be paid to parents of students with rural backgrounds. Professional counsellors should be invited to these sessions to make them really useful. In addition, parents of other students should also be encouraged to interact with such parents, she added.

Sumedha Kataria, a senior bureaucrat and noted social activist, says that these conflicts can be resolved only in one way. The parents must give freedom to their children to marry the person of their choice and pursue their careers. "They must realise that good education is a gift they give to their children. They must not snatch it when the children are about to put the gift to use," she advises.

However, she agrees that given the traditionally strong conservatism prevailing in Haryana and Punjab, especially among families of rural background, it is hard to convince parents. Therefore, where do we go from here? "Children must rebel for a good cause. Standing up for one’s own good is after all what good education is all about," she concludes. (The names of children and their parents have been changed to protect their identities.)