Sunday, July 23, 2000		Article

I MUST confess I hate telephones. Especially ones that ring shrilly at five in the a m. At first I thought if I buried myself deep enough under the pillows it would go away.

But it didn’t, so cursing roundly as I groped for it in the dark.

"llo," I mumbled.

"Ammmieee," shrieked my caller, "Ami!! Ami!! Ami!! I’m getting married!!!" She paused to breathe before saying rather unnecessarily, "By the way it’s me, Maddy."

When I say unnecessary I mean unnecessary.

Given that I have as fruity a bunch of friends and acquaintances as one could ever wish to have, each one a unique personality, idiosyncratic in their own way, Maddy is far and away the fruitiest of the bunch. She has a certain je ne sai quois that puts her well ahead of the pack. For one there’s her voice, distinctive on the phone line as it is in person.

"I know," I did my best to sound nice and cheerful while trying to get rid of the sand-in-the eyes feeling, "Congratulations!"

"I just got in you know. He proposed to me at the club and I jumped to it. He is the man of my dreams—he really is. Well what do you know ha ha I’m going to get married!"

"Congratulations my dear girl," I said, forgetting my annoyance at being shaken awake at that ungodly hour. It was apparent that Madeliene was over the moon. You cannot expect girls who are over the moon to realise that struggling novelists who go to bed at half past three in the night should not be disturbed till at least 7.30 a m.

"Ami can you come over or should I zoom over. Only my car has a flat......" Maddy, still shrill, prattled happily at the other end, "we’ll go shopping and I need to talk to you."

"Ah, I," for a moment I groped for a diplomatic way to turn her down but then decided on the firm line of approach, "Really Maddy it is just past five. Why don’t you go to bed and I’ll see you after breakfast?"

"Oh dear yes," she giggled, "I don’t think they’d open the shops just now."

"Goodnight Maddy and sweet dreams."

After that I buried my head back under the pillows and went right back to sleep. Whatever it was that Maddy wanted to talk to me about could wait till after breakfast. I found her in a great state when I reached her apartment. For one there were clothes everywhere frilly clothes, dressy clothes, clothes for the beach, clothes for day wear, clothes for rainwear. Clothes everywhere.

"Hello Maddy!" I called negotiating my way through the stacks, dumping some shirts on the already overcrowded couch.

"Oh there you are,"Maddy, all smiles and flowing curls rushed out to hug me.

"Look," she said, "my ring."

It was a star shaped sapphire and an exquisite piece.

"Beautiful," I said.

She twirled around in front of the mirror, "What do you think of this dress? I know it is last years but I really like it. I’ve been trying out my wardrobe," she gestured expressively, "really Ami I have nothing to wear!"

It was a state of affairs that could not be stood at any cost. And one we set out to remedy at any cost.

"I am really truly, madly, deeply in love with him," she said as we got out of the car and headed for the store. "I want to say to him," she said as we got out of the car and headed for the store. "I want to say to him," she paused dramatically in front of the door and unfortunately the doorman, "This is the happiest day in my life! I love you! I love you forever!"

The bewildered doorman blushed violently. I don’t think he heard me telling him she didn’t mean him as we passed into the store. It was, I thik, the happiest moment in his life.

There are two kinds of people. People who go shopping because they need something and people who go shopping because they cannot bear to see ownerless things on display. Something in them yearns to give these unfortunate things an owner, their innate sense of generosity makes them pick up things the first, hardhearted class would pass up. Maddy belongs to this latter category. That she would always say that she belongs to the former is another matter altogether.

We started with the lingerie section and Maddy kept up a steady chatter, pausing now and then in her deep and thoughtful discussions with the salesgirl on the merits of black versus scarlet, to tell me more about the man of her dreams.

"He is very rich of course and awfully clever darling really he is," she said after having sent the girl off for something else, "and I just love his hair."

The best thing about Maddy and the reason we probably are such good friends is that she makes no demands. That you be there is all she asks, otherwise she quite capable of keeping one, or several, conversations going.

"Wonderful sense of humour,exquisite sense of style and a voice to die for," I was told as she changed into an evening dress in the changing room. The fact that not only I but the assortment of salesgirls could also hear her across the partition did not seem to bother her at all.

"He calls me Madeliene," she sighed as she came out and twirled in the deep blue gown to the twittering of the gushing salesgirls. "I’ll take it."

"Two-inch heels, kid leather, all colours," she told the beaming salesman at the shoe-floor. "He’s just the right height-not too tall, gives you a crick in the neck if you know what I mean? Not too short, I can wear heels. Don’t you just adore two-inch heels, sooo easy on the feet and....." she broke off to try on a beige pair, "see what I mean?"

Henry was all right of course," she pirouetted in front of the mirror admiring the stringy silver sandals she had on, but much too tall, much, much too tall. I was worried all the time, Ami. I am telling you and you can take it for a fact that it is stressful to date a man who is much too tall. My feet killed me all evening, everytime we went out. I am going to throw out all those five-inch shoes as soon as I get home! Really never date a man who is too tall.

So set straight on the point of men who are much too tall we proceeded to the casual wear section.

"He looks absolutely stunning in evening clothes. He absolutely does. And his eyes -well just let’s say I am glad I met him before any of you did!"

We bought shirts and we bought trousers, we bought wraparounds and shorts, we bought hats and scarves and gloves and added them to the lingerie and evening wear and shoes we had already bought. Maddy wanted to buy some jewellery but it was nearly lunchtime and we were exhausted. So trailed by six shop assistants we came out of the revolving door. Maddy was telling me how they had decided never to fight and always to adore each other. The unfortunate doorman was still blushing.

All parcels stacked in the boot and the back seat, we went back to Maddy’s place to have lunch.

"I love him," she said, "Oh Ami, I love him!

"Lucky guy," I said turning into the drive.

We got the stuff up to her flat and I was wondering if I should stay for lunch or leave because I had a deadline to meet and I really ought to have been working.

"Ami," as we dumped the last of the packages on the living-room floor, "I need your help."

Something in her tone caught my attention. She may have chirruped gaily all morning but this, something told me, was something else.

"I need to write out a prenuptial."

And you could have knocked me down with a feather. I consider myself to be a practical woman of the world, but her words were an ice-cold pail of water sloshed all over me. I think I shivered.

"Excuse me?"

"Yeah," said Maddy not meeting my eye, "we agreed on it after he slipped on the ring. It’s only practical and it’s not as if it’s serious or anything just in case, that’s all."

"Okay," I said taking stock of my emotions, "so how do you want me to help you?"

"Write it." Maddy, when she wants to, can be very forthright.

"I can’t just write it. Go see a lawyer."

"I already have!"

"When? Let me guess, you called him after you called me in the morning?"

"Yup," my friend of many years standing did not belie my faith in her, "and he said that the best thing would be for me to draft it and then he’d take a look at it and turn it into legal lingo. That way I can put in everything I want."

I must say that my respect for members of the legal profession took a quantum jump, for a lawyer who will entertain clients who are over the moon and in love and want prenuptial agreements at five in the morning, must surely have something going for him.

"So why don’t you take a pencil and write down what you want," I still failed to see where I fit in.

"But you’ve got to be there, to help me think! I mean this is important stuff and I don’t want to go wrong. Please Ami, you must stay and help."

So I stayed and I helped. Right after Maddy made absolutely the most scrumptilicious pasta you ever had. The first clause stated that unless she chose to, she would not have to cook.

"But you love to cook," I said, "Come on Maddy what’s the big deal."

"I love to cook but I hate to have to cook. Besides this is only a triviality we’ll have a cook. This is just a precaution."

Good. So we got that one down and after that the clauses came thick and fast. Like said Maddy is a smart girl and she knows her mind. We got down the wardrobe budget and the yearly rise, we got down the sports car she just had to have and we got down the jewellery any decent man would buy his wife atleast once a year. After that we worked on the rate of inflation and how that would affect things every year. That made us hungry and we ate strawberry ice-cream. Correction, I ate strawberry ice cream and Maddy nibbled on a carrot stick.

We sorted out who got to keep the house in case of a divorce. Maddy .Who got to keep the pets. Drake. If all hell broke loose and the dishes had to be done., Drake again. "I’ll be too busy cooking," she said by way of explanation.

There had to be atleast three vacations in the year. And separate bank accounts.And if Maddy caught him cheating on her the alimony automatically doubled.

"Shouldn’t Drake be here?" I chewed on the end of my pencil, 'Maybe he’s got something to say."

"That’s okay," Maddy sighed, "The darling. He’s so awfully clever. He’s making his own list."

"Right."

We drafted quite a document. It ran to 16 pages, a mere coincidence, since sweetness had very little to do with it. And when we were done we were quite proud of the finished product.

"I knew you would know how," said Maddy buffing her nails,"I knew you would put down all the right things."

It was late in the evening and though Maddy insisted on taking me out for dinner I made my excuses because that story really ought to have been written ages ago. The truth be told writing prenups is hard work and I was tired. On the way down to the garage I remembered that we hadn’t said anything about a non-disclosure agreement and Maddy promised to add it as soon as she got back upstairs.

There are times in one’s life when one feels that lounging is worth it even if it means working late into the night and seeing Maddy’s smile as she saw me into my car I felt satisfied. It was a brilliant smile. As I drove into the night I was confident of having lightened a friend’s burden.The girl hadn’t a care in the world. They would live happily ever after.