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On the dinner table, conversation veered around to where my family should take its summer break. With four headstrong family members, who believe in leading lives which were choc-a-bloc full of activities of all shapes and hues, arriving at a consensus was clearly difficult. If I wanted to stay at home and avoid the hassle of packing, locking the house, taking off in the heat and coming back with an empty wallet, hubby dear had a dozen innovative short vacation plans, each promising to be more cost effective than the other. The younger son’s choice of a holiday was any place where he could be with friends, watch WWF and play cricket. The elder one, mama’s staunch supporter, loyally dittoed whatever I felt/said. Finally, through a half hour of discussion, compromises were made and a four-day holiday plan was chalked out. It kept everybody’s core interests in mind. Post-dinner, over some light jasmine tea the friend looked pensive and distracted. He needed only a slight prodding and the dam burst. With agony writ large in his amber-coloured eyes, voice cracking, the words tumbled out, " You guys have so many things that you can do together. There is not one single thing that my three-member family can do without getting into each other’s hair. The only solution to this constant bickering is that we don’t go anywhere together". |
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He philosophised over the kind of life he had desired and the type he had come to lead. We couldn’t come up with any quick-fix solutions, but, yes, we did manage to peel off some of the layers and masks over his outer persona. Perhaps for the first time in his 12-year marriage, he confronted all the wrongs in his relationships. The wrongs of two very different people who, instead of finding a common meeting ground, had pushed each other to do their own thing and lead independent parallel lives believing themselves to be the quintessential modern and liberated couple. He confessed that they were barely communicating, sharing or seeking comfort and solace from their togetherness. He couldn’t remember the last holiday they took as a family. Their ‘busyness’ was always a convenient excuse. He looked vulnerable, sad and isolated as he narrated his loneliness and hordes of hurts piled up over the years. Is it really so difficult for the present- day family to find things to do together? Readers Digest is full of stories which emphasise on family strengths, highlighting factors which bind them together. Things like ‘families which laugh together/holiday together stay together’. There was a time when there was little conflict on the issue of family members spending time together. Male and female roles were clearly demarcated. There was no confusion, overlap or grievance on this score. If the man earned and provided for the family, taking charge of outdoor chores, the woman took care of the hearth and home. The family unit was under no threat. Today, whether it is a nuclear or an extended family, each member has a life of his own. He wants to make his own choices and lead the life he wants to. They may be successful presenting to the world an impressive outer facade but the threads which bind them together are knotted and fragile. A conscious attempt has to be made to do things together. A couple may be madly in love when they are in their 20s, doing everything together and in consultation with each other, but as they grow older they may find themselves growing apart. Instead of acknowledging the rift and doing something about it, they choose to ignore it. The chasm keeps widening. Couples who do manage to keep the spark alive, filling their hearts and homes with genuine cheer, warmth and love are not necessarily those who are on the same wavelength, sharing the same thought processes. A doctor husband and a teacher wife or an IT professional from Silicon Valley and his wife with a small town background could be more in love than a couple who are both intense designers or writers. Finding things to do together and trying to share the same interests can be a great way to keep the house brimming with laughter. Whether it is reading, travelling, trekking, partying, shopping for fruits and vegetables or cooking a Sunday meal, the joie di verve is infectious when everybody joins in. More importantly, it gives you an opportunity to observe each other closely. Things which you may have missed otherwise may now become obvious, helping you to reach out and actually help. A simple game of scrabble or cricket can give you insights into your own child. You may realise that he is a bad loser or not competitive enough. By doing things together you can find yourself ‘tuning in’ to the other person, sensing things which may be troubling him, and, at the end, finding a new level of intimacy and dependence. There have been times when such intimacy has given parents the chance to notice the trauma of their teenaged child’s break- up from an affair or the whiff of his stray indulgence in substance abuse. There can be instances when couples may not have a perfect relationship, but when they find something to do together, even if it is initially a planned effort, a time will come when they will start liking each other. The relationship will develop a new rhythm, a new dimension. Finding love all over again, injecting a new kind of meaning into the marital bond has a wonderful spin-ball effect under which the entire family basks. |
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AN
old friend from Delhi came visiting. He is a hotshot ad man who has
recently made a switch to a dotcom company as its CEO. His wife is a
senior vice president in a media company. Both are in their mid-30s, on
the fast track and in complementary professions. They have a 10-year-old
daughter and have no plans of adopting the hum do, hamare do
norm.