The Sunday Tribune - Spectrum

In the early years of their marriage Rama did not believe that her needs mattered a lot to Manoj. She enjoyed outdoor outings particularly to the countryside. She firmly believed that this could help strengthen their romantic bond without indulging in heavy duty talking. Once she was able to convince Manoj about this, their marital life was flooded with happiness.

It is a fact that couples who have such outings for fun come closer to each other, experience a feeling of unlimited security in their togetherness, have meaningful conversations and strengthen their emotional bonds. Besides these outings provide many opportunities for non-sexual physical contact that is lacking in a routine-bound life.

For a loving and lasting relationship, couples should observe the following two rules when they either go out for an outing or on any other trip or journey. The first rule is not to discuss any major issue. Resolving marital conflicts is a must for couples, but not during outings or pleasure trips. If both wife and husband observe this rule strictly, this will enhance their mutual sense of security and stability. Such an environment will automatically result in the couple engaging in a creative conversation, thereby bringing them closer to each other at the romantic and emotional levels. The second rule is that the couple must agree that only one of the two will talk at a time while the other listens.

The first time Manoj tried this method, a nagging problem that had been rankling them for quite some time, was resolved in just 20 minutes.

When there are no ground rule to regulate talk between spouses, one of two things may happen. One or both mates may withdraw into his or her own shell, leaving the conflict festering. Two a conflict may hot up during discussion leading to derogatory comments and off-putting remarks.

Following these two rules, however, not only de-escalates conflict, it also helps in meeting the needs of the couple for a lasting relationship.

For Manoj and Rama, this has worked so well that when both of them sense a major conflict brewing during any discussion on their fun outings or amidst a casual talk at home, one of the two usually says "let’s save that for another time."

A happy and healthy marriage or relationship can be compared to the nurturing or the growing of a healthy plant. Just as a plant needs sunlight, if it is to mature into a healthy tree, each partner needs a sense of security to generate happiness in his or her relationship or marriage. In truth, every enduring marriage stands on a strong foundation of an unconditional commitment to an imperfect partner. It involves convincing the spouse in a variety of ways that, no matter what, you will always be available for him or for her.

For a healthy relationship, a strong sense of security is a must. Spouses desperately need this security and this is how you can provide it. Whisper into your spouse's ear or say softly to her, "I love you"; make long range plans together like building a house or buying a flat; cultivate a pattern of truthfulness; value each other’s thoughts and feelings.

Again, just as a plant needs sunlight to develop, it also needs water. Communication is akin to "water" in a relationship. The breakdown of communication is usually one of the topmost reasons for the breakdown of a marriage.

In a survey this question was put to scores of married women: "How much time do you need in a day for a meaningful conversation with your husband to feel really good about your relationship with him?"

From the answers received, this time was worked out to be one hour a day of intimate conversation for keeping the marriage alive and growing. This included all the time spent in conversation before and after work, on the phone during the day and before bed time.

Next, a plant also needs fertile soil to grow. In a healthy marriage, expressions of love enrich the soil of a strong relationship. By expressing love, you honour your spouse. It also provides the basis for a meaningful sex life. One potent reason why romance dies in a marriage is that it is inseparably linked to physical intimacy. Though effective romance may lead to sex, yet its goal should never be sex.

For some wives it may be flowers, for some husbands it may be late-night get togethers. But rarely does romance happen on its own and nor does it happen if you wait for perfect conditions to occur for that to come about. You have to plan for it carefully. Also, romancing your spouse is not something for the newly weds only, it is an essential element in every enduring relationship.

Lastly, just as a plant needs air, non-sexual touching provides that in a marriage. Studies have shown that 70 to 80 per cent of a woman’s physical need is non-sexual. In actual practice it means that a woman needs eight to ten meaningful touches a day...hugs, pats, strokes, massages...in non-sexual ways. In fact, such touchings can ignite sparks in a marriage as much as meaningful communication can fan its flame.