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ABOUT one in three marriages now end in divorce. Since most divorces occur in the first ten years of marriage, many involve small children. Some people think that divorce is too easily obtained nowadays and that couples should stay together for the sake of the children, even if they are unhappy. Undoubtedly, the ideal situation is one where children are brought up in a happy family environment with both parents.
Divorce radically changes the structure of a family and the relationship within it. The change involves loss, no matter how good the new situation turns out to be. Children and adults often need to mourn for the family as it was, and grieve for the parent who is missing. Following the breakdown of a marriage adults may want to invest in new relationships straightaway, and want to have no further contact with the previous partner. Children, on the other hand, need continuity of contact with both parents and will be wary of new relationships. Adults on the contrary, often want a fresh start, to ‘wipe the slate clean’ and start again, children often wish to keep as much as possible the same as it was. However, in many situations, the adults are so affected by the stress and bitterness of separation that they are unable to plan their lives according to their children’s needs, especially when these needs come into conflict with their own. If teachers are aware of children whose parents are going through the painful process of separation, they may want to know whether any difficulties are likely to arise in school and how best to help, whether to enquire about family circumstances, and how to relate to both parents, particularly if the non-custodial parent visits the school. |
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Effects on children Loss of parents through separation is potentially more damaging for children than a loss through death, because it is ongoing and unresolved. The long-term effects depend on arrangements made for continuity of contact with the non-custodial parents, and whether the parents themselves have been able to readjust their lives successfully to the change, without demeaning, belittling and undermining one another. It is not the divorce which affects the children so much does the fact of their feeling loved and cared for by both parents, even if those parents are living apart. The immediate effects of a separation depend on the atmosphere in the home before the break-up, and the quality of relationships between the child and each parent before as well as afterwards. Some children witness violence and emotional turmoil in the period leading up to separation. Many have poor explanations for what is happening, and one parent may even ask for their support, thus forcing them to take sides. The problems of families coping with difficulties at this time of acute distress are often compounded by drop in income, house moves and a change of school. The resilience of children to stress depends on how mature they are and what they have been able to cope with in the past. Some children are more vulnerable than others while some gain maturity by taking on additional responsibilities. Very young children up to the age of five or six, often appear to be very sad or frightened when their parents separate. They have a fairly limited comprehension of events, even when explanations have been attempted. They may imagine all kinds of terrible things to having caused the loss of one parent, and be worried about losing the other. Often they become clinging and demanding, holding on to security objects such as soft toys and clothes. They may have disturbed nights, begin to bedwet, refuse to be left alone and protest about going to school. Young children of seven or eight may react to family stress with a range of behavioural problems, which are usually temporary. Some may steal things at school, have temper tantrums, seek adult attention constantly, and be irritable, depressed or ‘whiney’. They may cry at little upsets, which were previously negotiated easily and they may express their feelings through psychosomatic symptoms such as stomachaches. Also become disruptive and disobedient. Other will be unable to concentrate and withdraw into themselves, preferring to spend long periods alone than participating in-group activities. The pace and quality of their work may markedly deteriorate particularly if the child’s home life is so disturbed that adequate sleep and regular meals are being affected. At home there may be increased quarrels and aggression between siblings. Absent mothers and fathers may be idealised, regardless of what they were actually like. Children, especially around the age of seven or eight, may express a very strong yearning for absent fathers. Some children hold themselves responsible for the breakup, while others direct anger at their parents for separating and want them to reunite. How teachers can help Teachers may be informed about a crisis at home, but their involvement is not always sought or welcome. Just as in the case of a bereavement, knowing of a family breakup can awaken residual hurt when teachers have had their own personal problems. Children may seek reassurance from teachers about what is happening at home, and it is important that adults are as honest as they can be in their explanations. Anxiety is raised further if children are given evasive answers to questions, rather than appropriate responses pitched at an appropriate level. If children are obviously upset about events at home it is important that contact is established with parents and that basic arrangements for custody and access are known. Teachers will need to exercise tact; they have to be aware of the facts but also respect family privacy. Unwittingly, schools can get caught up in legal wrangles if facts are unclear; for example, which surname should be used in school, or whether a non-custodial parent should have access to a child. Here are some legal terms you may encounter: Care and control: This is the day-to-day responsibility for looking after and making everyday decisions about a child. The parent who has care and control is the one the child lives with for most of the time. The other parent may be required by a maintenance order, made by court, to contribute regular amounts of money towards the child’s upkeep. Custody: This means the right to make important decisions for a child, such as choice of school, religion, medical treatment and permission to travel abroad. This right may be shared by both parents who must consult each other over major decisions. A child may be made a Ward of Court, in which case the court takes major decisions. Access: The court may say when and where a child can see the non-custodial parent, or it may leave it to the parents to negotiate. An injunction can be granted by a court to protect a child: for example, by restricting a parent’s access. During the initial stages of a family separation, children almost always want as much to remain the same as it always was, thus the continuity of familiar routines in school is very helpful. Everyday activities with familiar friends in the stable and safe environment of school can offer security when home life is undergoing change. There is a series of stages following a family break-up, which is similar to bereavement following the death of a loved one. So, just as in the stage of grieving when children search for a cause, many children blame themselves for family difficulties, as the only means of rationalising the situation. Children need a lot of reassurance that it is not their fault, but may return to self-blame and feeling of guilt, when the reassurances will need to be reiterated. Teacher’s’ role is significant. Their being available to talk without taking sides, matters. With all kinds of grieving, a trustworthy adult who listens, remains calm when the child is upset, but shares something of the child’s feelings (without being critical) can help a child to identify and release emotions. In some situations, both parents will be concerned about the child’s school progress. A teacher may notice that requests for materials to be brought in from home of money for outings go unanswered; this may be because the family is just too harassed and pre-occupied at this time, and not because they are uninterested in school matters. But parents who have joint custody may welcome separate invitations to open evenings, copies of letters, reports, holiday dates and information broadsheets. It may be some time before parents establish a post-separation relationship which enables them to meet on neutral territory, such as the school, to discuss things, but this can be achieved. Most schools are now aware that the curriculum must not highlight multicultural and gender issues in a way which promotes stereotypes. It is not inevitable that children caught in the middle of marital separation are going to suffer long-term ill-effects although they may be upset in the short term. The school can be a secure and stable place for children at the present as well as abridge to a brighter future. |
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However, another point of view, often
expressed by adults who experienced an unhappy family
life themselves in childhood, is that the adults’
need for a satisfying relationship is paramount if they
are to be effective parents.