Sunday, April 23, 2000		Your Option

Learning to love ourselves
By Taru Bahl

A PERSON who is comfortable with what he is and who likes himself — not just the way he looks, but the way he talks, works, behaves and interacts with people-- is likely to have healthier relationships. He is happier, more at peace with himself and with the world at large. It is funny but when we feel good about ourselves, other people suddenly appear nicer. Things look different. A person who is in love, for instance, or who is warmly loved finds the world a wonderful place to be in. He is cheerful and energetic, on one hand, and tolerant, forgiving and caring, on the other. Is this because the world has suddenly become friendlier? Or is it that the person’s way of looking at life has changed? Also, if he is happy with what he is, does he become blind to his faults, becoming pig-headed and egotistical? Does it translate into a situation where he stops introspecting, changing and evolving as a person?

It is said that the world is a reflection of our inner selves. When we hate our persona and whatever it is that we stand for, we can’t possibly be in love with the world at large. It is more likely that we would sulk, be disgruntled and critical of the people around us. On the contrary, when we love being who we are, the rest of the world becomes beautiful too. We are realistic about ourselves, our strengths and weaknesses. We are not threatened by others’ talents, we make others feel good about themselves, automatically enlisting their support and cooperation. We make friends easily, we can laugh at our follies and keep the good feelings flowing. Our self-image becomes the blueprint which determines exactly how we behave, feel and love. Our every thought and action stems from the way we see ourselves. Our self-image is coloured by our experiences, successes and failures, the thoughts we have had about ourselves and other people’s reactions to us. Believing this image to be a fact, we proceed to live within the limits of this picture. It goes on to determine how much we like the world and exactly how much we accomplish in life.

Self-esteem is directly linked to how much we love ourselves. A person with a poor self-image can get depressed the moment he sees his face in the mirror. His ‘wretched nose’, ‘awful skin’ and the ‘slight graying at the temples’ could appear larger than life as his spirits get dampened and he feels he is unfit to make an official presentation. A person with a healthy self-esteem would acknowledge the fact that he wasn’t endowed with the perfect nose, he would see a dermatologist to correct his skin problem and take the premature graying in his stride, without letting these outward signs discourage him. He would go ahead with his presentation and confidently put his best foot forward. Chances are that most people will not notice his crooked nose and will instead be impressed with the way he carries himself and holds his own in a room full of tough clients. This attitude percolates down to every aspect of his life. For instance, a man who has a healthy self-esteem will never resent his wife’s professional success. A young average-looking girl will not keep doubting her exceptionally good-looking boy friend’s loyalty, a mother will not feel jealous of her children’s attachment to their grandmother and a student will not attempt suicide when he finds he has flunked in a paper. Each of them will deal with the crisis in their lives by going through the gamut of human pain, suffering and misery but not allowing the negative feelings to completely snuff out their optimism and belief in themselves.

If a person overestimates himself, he is bound to be cocky, impudent, jealous and wary of criticism. He is like a closed book which refuses to look at any but his own selfish point of view. A person with a low self-esteem, on the contrary, keeps pushing himself into the background, never mentioning his own needs, martyring himself for his family and friends, taking all the unfairness meted out to him. It is not that he loves being bullied --- he is actually convinced that he deserves nothing better. Since he is so submissive he almost tells people: "You may take advantage of me. I am used to being pushed around". People with low self-esteem are likely to get into unhealthy and abusive relationships since their need to be wanted is so acute that they will tilt towards anyone who is willing to look in their direction, even when they know that he/she is not right for them.

Some manifestations of low self-esteem can be found in people who love to shock by wearing outlandish dresses, indulging in outrageous behaviour, using obscene language and turning rebellious. When we feel bad about the way we are,we not only tend to be harsh on ourselves but also on those around us. Those who go on food binges, take to substance abuse and get into obsessively destructive relationships, create dysfunctional homes. Isolated, they live on the fringes. To some extent their imagined fears that the world is against them, that life has been unfair and that people don’t love them for what they are, is true, but what is truer is the fact that they are responsible for most of their problems. Their treatment of themselves has a bearing on how they perceive themselves at any given moment and how most people in their sphere of contact look at them and treat them. When a person says and feels,"I don’t deserve this," or, "I don’t deserve any better," he is subconsciously sabotaging his own happiness. Whenever something positive or uplifting comes his way, he allows his mind to play tricks, convincing himself that he cannot do it, following which he lets the opportunity pass instead of grabbing and making it work. He becomes his own worst enemy.

Self-esteem is nothing but an overall judgement of the self which colours our social, personal and official life. It affects our creativity, integrity and stability, determining whether we will be leaders or followers. We become what we believe ourselves to be. A healthy self-image allows us to concentrate on compliments paid to us and the successes we have achieved. This is not to be confused with being pig-headed. Being egotistical and having a healthy self-esteem are complete opposites. People with huge egos need to be the centre of attention, they crave for recognition and have little or no concern for those around them. On the other hand, healthy self-love enables us to respect our wishes and those of others. It allows us to feel proud of our achievements without needing to broadcast them. It is easier to accept our shortcomings while striving to improve ourselves. It eliminates the compulsive need to justify to ourselves and others why we do what we do. When we genuinely appreciate our worth, there is no need to tell the world how good we are. There is also no need to feel sorry for ourselves when things don’t go right. We just do what we believe in and keep moving on, spreading love and cheer and warmly touching the lives of all those who come into contact with us.