Helping children bear bereavement

Whenever children undergo the trauma of losing a loved one, the emotions generated are often intense, and require a sensitive response from the adults, particularly parents and teachers, who know the child well. If children are unable to grieve openly, they may suffer long-term repercussions which may prevent them from moving on with their lives, says Ravina Gandhi

OPEN demonstrations of grief and distress are often unwelcome in today’s society. But if children are unable to express their grief they may suffer from long-term feelings of despair which may prevent them from moving on in their lives. The grieving process goes through four stages:

Numbness and shock:

Among children, this shock may be expressed in the form of silent withdrawal, wild outbursts of crying and, at times, even screaming. Some children feel confused and forget well-known routines. It is possible that they may be refusing to accept reality.

Searching and yearning for the lost person:

At this stage children may look for the ‘lost’ person, cling to others or to objects they are fond of. They may refuse to attend school and may not like to be separated from a parent. They may also cling to objects which either belonged to or which were given to them by the deceased person. There may be other signs of anxiety like sleep disturbance, refusal to take food, nail-biting, bedwetting, etc.

Disorganisation and despair:

Once it is realised that the lost person is not going to be found, despair follows. Children, and adults, are unable to fathom how their lives will continue or ever be the same without the person they have lost. Children may reject moves to comfort them, show signs of aggression in school, become easily upset about small issues which would otherwise not have bothered them, whilst feeling of guilt may lead to non-participation and brooding. The pace of learning, concentration and confidence may also be badly affected.

This is the final stage and reflects the individual’s will to reconstruct his life without the lost person. He begins to look forward and invest in new relationships.

Here it should be stressed that children react differently to their experiences of loss: some appear to adjust quickly, while others have delayed reactions which appear some years after the event. It is also important to recognise that children, as well as adults, often shift between stages: they may appear to be at stage four on one day but may get back to stage two the next day. Adults need to respond to the stage the child is actually at, rather than the stage previously reached.

The grieving process may last from a few months to a few years. A lot depends on the child’s age and the level of understanding. A five-year-old who had harboured bad feelings about a parent at the time of death may feel a sense of responsibility and guilt, or fear of retaliation. Some eight-year-olds believe death is reversible and the dead person will return. What is called for here is the presence of supportive and constructive help from other members of the family or friends.

What you can do to help

We can help children through bereavement in two main ways:

— Giving information pitched at the right level for the child’s understanding so that he realises what he is feeling is normal.

— Helping the child to identify and realise his feelings so that steps can be taken to him.

In the first stage of numbness and shock, the child has to gradually accept the reality of the loss, that a loved one has gone and will not return. Distraction is not always a good policy because it denies the child the opportunity to express his feelings. For the same reason, mistruths about where the dead person has gone, given often in the situation, are unhelpful in the long run.

Children may want to be kept busy at this time in school, without having too many demands made on them. They may want to be hugged or may want to give vent to their grief by crying. They should be allowed to do so. By giving warmth and reassurance, adults can help children feel safe.

It is important to remain calm and caring when children are upset, and make comments that show that you share their grief ("I also feel like crying when something like this happens"). The remarks should not be patronising or critical.

Be especially sensitive to socially-isolated children who may become distant and withdrawn. Spend time with them, talk to them about their feelings so that they are not left alone with them.

In the second stage of searching and yearning, the children find out that the loss is indeed real. Children may be preoccupied with either looking for a cause of the death or searching for someone or something to lay the blame on. Children may want teachers to be available to talk to if their parents are also in pain. Young children may ask difficult-to-answer questions, such as ‘how do dead people look like?’ or ‘what happens when bodies are cremated?’. They require honest responses which they can comprehend, not fairy stories. Both children and adults often have a very limited language when it comes to talking about death to, but the ‘less they know the better’ is an attitude that children themselves do not welcome, and it causes even more anxiety. However, unsolicited details are not advocated.

When children enter a stage of despair, the task is to adjust to the environment in which the person is missing. The despair stage is often characterised by behaviours derived from guilt, anxiety and anger, such as angry outbursts. It may be necessary to explain to the whole class how children feel, that these reactions are normal. But we must not allow them to get out of hand, by hurting others or damaging things.

Children need to feel safe. The way forward is to think positively of the happy memories of the deceased, and to plan happy events for the future without that person. This may be the best time for teachers to involve parents in planning how to manage situations in school, and to suggest new things to do out of school.

In the final stage of reorganisation, a child has to withdraw emotional attachment from the deceased and reinvest his energy in other relationships. Adults can assist here by a helping children make new friends and by giving encouragement to try new activities.

Bereavement and grieving are necessary processes of healing and growth. Stages of grieving cannot be missed out, although children’s reactions to loss are likely to be very different. Like all developmental processes the progress depends on how well the earlier stages have been negotiated. The mourning period is over when the stages have passed and the child reorients to the future. But as anyone who has lost someone close will tell you, life is never the same when a child, friend, partner or parent dies and you have to learn to live with it.