I’m the boss!

MY boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I’m the Boss". He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

Now we run !

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy’s position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child’s level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

Free drinks

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "Unfortunately I haven’t got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street. The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can’t possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says: "Sorry but I haven’t got it." The bartender can’t believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, and then throws him out into the street. The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, and give me the bill. In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?" The drunk replies, "You! No way! You get too violent when you drink."

Planting trees

A passerby noticed a couple of city workers working along the city sidewalks. The man was quite impressed with their hard work, but he couldn’t understand what they were doing. Finally, he approached the workers and asked, "I appreciate how hard you’re both working, but what the heck are you doing? It seems that one of you digs a hole, and then the other guy immediately fills it back up again. One of the city workers explained, "The third guy who plants the trees is off sick today."

Bus no. 54

A blonde is visiting Washington, DC. This is her first time to the city, so she wants to see the capitol building. Unfortunately, she can’t find it, so she asks a police officer for directions. "Excuse me, officer," the blonde says, "how do I get to the capitol building?" The officer says, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It’ll take you right there." The blonde thanks the officer and he drives off. Three hours later the police officer comes back to the same area, and sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer gets out of his car and says, "Excuse me, but to get to the capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?" The blonde says, "Don’t worry, officer, it won’t be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

Curse

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

The choice

The priest was preparing a man for his long day’s journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!" The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" The dying man said, "Until I know where I’m heading, I don’t think I ought to aggravate anybody!"

Direct object

Bobby’s class was having an English lesson, and the teacher called on Bobby to recite a sentence with a direct object.

Bobby stood and thought, then said, "Teacher, everybody thinks you are beautiful."

"Why thank you, Bobby," the teacher said, blushing. "But what is the direct object?"

"A good report card next month," he replied.

Dieting

A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She’d made her family’s favourite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they’d eaten half of it at dinner. The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed. Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out. She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"

(These jokes have been culled from various sites on the Internet by Sunil Sharma)