Mystery of romance

What we call love "is created by a chemical cocktail in the brain, triggered through social conditioning," says one of the top researchers of the world, while contending that men and women are biologically and mentally predisposed to the "in love" from 18 to 30 months, writes Manpreet Singh

ROMANCE the mere mention of the word makes your heart pound or skip a beat! Just think of the legendary love tales, and the anticipation of golden dreams turn you dewy-eyed. But slow down, romance is not forever, if you are to believe the outcome of latest research work.

What we call love "is created by a chemical cocktail in the brain, triggered through social conditioning," says one of the top researchers of the world, Prof Cindy Hazan of Cornell University, New York. The research included 5,000 interviews and medical tests of couples across 37 cultures.

This is yet another blow to the romance-starved world we live in — where technology is playing the new Cupid through e-mail love and cyber-sex. Extreme rationalistic studies find love "a kind of psychosis which you develop when there is space to fill in your life." Romance of olden days has paved the way for a competitive society where it has lost its lustre to indifferent technology.

Who has the time to be poetic in love? Romance has been ripped off its mysterious halo, and most relationships are becoming matter-of-fact arrangements for convenience. You don’t find today’s young lovers writing personal, affectionate love letters to their beloved ones. Writing love letters is now an endangered art form.

The love letter is a cherished possession, which lovers touch, smell and read and re-read, without getting tired. E-mail is dull, doesn’t evoke the heart to overflow with feelings.

It is surprising that in our sex-obsessed age the connectivity of hearts and human communication needs help. In the West, romantic coaches and ‘flirtation therapists’ have stepped in to "connect" people and help keep romance alive. Romance may not be forever but human hearts are! Various studies reveal as many men as women hunger for romance in life. However, it’s the women who are more prominent and active in the pursuit.

Reading romances for romantic thrills comes first in women’s pursuit of romance. Ruchika, a Panjab University student, says she reads at least 12 Mills & Boon titles every week. "Some of my friends read upto six titles a day, and show off their romantic appetite". This is not surprising, because in the U.K. alone 11 million readers, representing four out of every 10 women, read Mills & Boon "to satisfy their souls" in the year 1998. One Mills & Boon title is sold every two seconds. Also, oput of the over one million cards sent on St Valentine’s Day, approximately 85 per cent are purchased by women, claims American Greeting Card Association.

Reality, certainly, is harsh — as the poet P.B. Shelley echoed in his famous lines: "I fall upon the thorns of life/ I bleed..." mystery and escape are the ingredients of romance human souls seek. Women may be more open in their search for romance but when it comes to real romance, and getting hooked in love men are found to be more vulnerable than women.

"Most men fall in love more quickly and easily than women, and most relationships are terminated by women. This may indicate that women get less hooked to the cocktail of love," says Hazan. Reiterating this view, author of Private Lies: Infidelity & Betrayal of Intimacy says, "Women in love are more aware of what they are doing and what the dangers might be. Men in love can be extraordinarily incautious, and are willing to give up everything. Men in love lose their heads — at least for a while."

Using head over heart has brought a negative approach in relationships, which stiffles many a romance; nipping love in the bud and not allowing its culmination into a lasting, meaningful bond of marriage.

A young school teacher, Shakti Bhushan’s, romantic tale is turning into a sob story. Shakti’s romance with his girl, is dying a slow death. Tulika, his beloved is finding excuses to wriggle out of the relationship owing to practical considerations. Cases like this one have goaded a Chicago University professor couple, married for about four decades, to embark on a new way to foster meaningful romance, leading to marriage. They aim to provide "a higher kind of sex education" to teenagers which will train hearts and minds "by means of noble examples for romance leading to loving marriages." They have started a course on courtship, using as a text their new anthology "Wing to Wing, Oar to Oar: Readings on Courting and Marrying." The couple says that the goal of marriage makes courtship different from today’s dating customs.

Customs apart, things have come to such a pass that flirting is being used as a device to get some romance and fun out of life. Peta Heskell, a flirtation therapist, takes flirting as a mean to "connect" people seeking romance. While organising workshops and courses to teach people the techniques of flirting, she sends the participants to restaurants, and encourages them to smile at strangers.

"Eventually, if you smile at enough of the right people in the right circumstances, one will smile back at you," she suggests.

However, desperation to seek unlimited romance also leads to a dangerous zone — infidelity. Psychologists say that romantic affairs happen in good marriages even more often than in bad ones. "The better the marriage, the saner and more sensible the spouse, the more alienated the romantic is likely to feel. Both genders are equally capable of falling into the temporary insanity of romantic extra-marital affairs... It is an insane flight to escape."

Herbert Zerof, an experienced marriage counsellor, says that it feels good to both receive and shower romantic love, but it frequently vaporises. However he warns about the pitfalls, "A scene with two lovers silhouetted on a beach or walking hand in hand into the sunset conveys all the idealism of romantics. But people don’t live together that way. Rather they live at close quarters, where they can see each other’s pimples, wrinkles and sags. The romantic vision only separates partners further, since they try to grasp a mirage rather than the real person."

True, a pinch of romance can add spice to your life but undue share of it can create imbalance and cause sorrow. It is found that as we grow older we become more positive towards romance. With wisdom we have realistic expectations from our partners while the younger ones are confused and sad in their pursuit of passionate romance.

Leslie Karsner, a romance coach says romance coaching is about romance with yourself, a passion for life and encouraging self-awareness and creating an openness for romance to blossom, with your heart and thoughts and being open to possibilities. Karsner advises, "I want people to get to a place where they love who they are, and not feel unsuccessful because they are not in a relationship. Being excited about life in general is an attractive quality that creates a clear path for romance to travel on. Romance can flourish when baggage is settled, and one feels complete and ready to move on."

Didn’t the wise old Oscar Wilde say, "To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance."