Hearing aid

SEEMS an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear perfectly. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "You hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!"

Some wedding

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say..." "And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don’t count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I’m the groom."

Catching up

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other’s health one asked how the other’s husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I’m very sorry." replied her friend, "What did you do?" "Oh... Opened a can of peas instead."

The plane truth

A man has an hour to kill before his flight to Los Angeles. He decides to kill some time at an airport bar. He walks in and sits down next to a clearly nervous guy, who has three empty whisky glasses in front of him. The man introduces himself to the nervous guy, and buys him a drink.

The man asks, "Nervous about flying?"

The nervous guy replies, "N-n-nervous? I’m t-terrified. I j-just know the p-plane is g-going t-to crash and we’re g-going to d-die."

"Is this your first time flying?"

"N-no, I fly c-cross-c-country all the t-time. It’s m-my job."

"Why don’t you just ask your boss if you can drive cross-country?"

"H-he would never l-let me do that"

"Why not?" asks the man.

The nervous guy replies, "B-because, I’m the p-pilot."

Efficient engineer

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you’re an engineer—you’re in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how’s it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake—he should never have gotten down there send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I’ll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

Next to godliness....

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate. So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?" His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal". That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate, so again he asked, "Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean"?

Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, " I told you those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don’t ask me about it anymore". Well, later that day, they were on their way out to get dinner. As he was leaving the house, grandfather’s dog who was lying on the floor started to growl and would not let him pass.

"Grandfather, your dog won’t let me out".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, his grandfather shouted, "Coldwater, get out of the way"!

Future chips

An older couple had a son, who was still living at home. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career. They decided to do a small test. They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table, and hid, pretending they were not home. The father’s plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I’m afraid our son will be a drunkard." So, the parents waited nervously, hiding in the nearby closet. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they had left. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it. Then, he grabbed the bottle, opened it and took a whiff, to get assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all three items. The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Oh no! Our son is going to be a politician someday!"

Two plus two

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the boardroom and announcing, "Four." The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four." The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want it to be?"

(These jokes have been culled from various sites on the Internet by Sunil Sharma)