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Till
lawyers do us part THE new millennium has ushered in a desire to begin everything anew. From millennium babies to starting a new relationship in the New Year — metaphorically wiping the slate clean for a new start. Divorce lawyers are calling it the ‘matrimonial millennial madness’. Couples, desperate to get rid of old relationships and begin afresh, are flooding the offices of marriage counsellors and divorce lawyers. A move, which will shake the age-old institution of matrimony and herald an era where vows of "Till death do us part" will no longer be sacrosanct. At the end of a century where women took long strides in climbing successful career ladders, they are standing up for their rights and freedom. With fewer spouses financially dependent on the other, they are confident enough to start a new century alone. |
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| Joan, a successful doctor says,
"Enough was enough. I was not going to take his
beatings any more or give up my career because my husband
wanted me to run home and hearth. I wanted to begin the
new millennium with peace and understanding, which was
only possible if I was by myself." Many couples are not going in for divorce, but a judicial separation. According to marriage counsellors, when marriages hit a rough path, these separations may be just a gentle way of bidding adieu forever and only sometimes it is for seeking space and time to cement a soured relationship. Ted Turner, media mogul and a billionaire, used his own CNN website to announce his separation from Jane Fonda, his Oscar-winning wife of eight years. "While we continue to be committed to the long-term success of our marriage, we find ourselves at a juncture where we must each take some personal time for ourselves," he announced. In Britain, four in every 10 couples currently divorce and as many ‘live-in’ relationships end. With so many relationships ending, announcing a trial separation is emerging as a new way of saying we don’t want to hurt each other anymore. For Indira, a successful executive in an entertainment company with two children, "It is taking time off to cool down and look at the whole relationship with a new perspective. Many a times being together makes us forget what we value about the whole relationship. I am hoping it will help patch up my marriage." Spending time apart or distance does not necessarily make the heart grow fonder, it can also be a case of a relieved ‘out of sight out of mind’. While the time apart is an emollient for some couples, for others it is merely delaying the actual goodby and sometimes making the final break a bitter one. As Julia Cole, a Relate-trained couple counsellor and psychosexual therapist, says: "I think that lots of people do opt for what they describe as separations.Very often it’s linked to a feeling that somehow they can’t make the final decision to say the marriage is over. It’s a bridging exercise to making the final emotional leap into divorce proceedings." Are separations a prelude to divorce or are they the logical conclusion of an already dead marriage. Relate, the counselling organisation for couples in trouble, carried out a study with the University of Newcastle some years ago, and found that a quarter of the couples in the study who came for help after embarking on trial separations were still together six months after the counselling ended. The terminology of separation and divorce has gender connotations. As a leading divorce lawyer puts it: "When a woman says she needs a trial separation, she usually means a trial separation. But when a man says it, he usually means goodbye." Spice Girl Mel G and her husband Jimmy Gulzar were the first celebrity couple to split following a row on New Year’s day. Mel G’s publicist says, "The couple have arrived at this decision after considerable discussion and attempts to make the relationship work. Their less-than-a-year-old daughter, Phoenix Chi, is with Mel G." Spending time apart or moving out of the house entails a lot more pain, confusion and suffering for the children, who always hope that their parents would reconcile. Separation usually makes it more difficult to come together as both people go public about a very private relationship. "Friends often find themselves taking sides, and losing the friendship of those they once knew well," adds Cole. Changes in masculine and feminine roles in society have given people more choice than simply living as a couple. In the future, it may be that people will live in relationships that do not last a lifetime. Hillary Clinton has been the first American First Lady to officially move out of the White House. Last week she moved to New York to plunge into her campaign for a seat in the Senate, while the President stays at Washington D.C. to spend the last few months of his presidency by himself. Observers say that their marriage has gone through so much that this separation will not affect their nuptial ties, but who knows? — Women’s Feature Service |
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