'Mere' housewife
Fighting for her space
By Belu Maheshwari

THE cinema hall resounds with applause when Karisma Kapoor (wife) tells Sushmita Sen (the other woman) in the movie Biwi No. I, "Biwi ban ke dikhao". Doling out the facts of life to her husband’s mistress, she says, "You not only have to love him, you have to love his mother, his children --- even his dog. And look after his home, too." The dialogue sums up in a nutshell a wife’s multi-dimensional life and her role at home.

From ancient times, an Indian woman has been revered as a nurturer and protector of a family, home and its traditions. The jobs assigned to men and women were clearly demarcated and there was no poaching on each other’s territories. The wife may not have gone out of the home to earn but she was the Lakshmi of the house and an equal half, ardhangini, of the husband.

In the last couple of decades, however, there has been a paradigm shift in the perception of women’s role in society. Matrimonial columns which appear in newspapers highlight this change. In the past, the ‘Brides Wanted’ column read: "Wanted a homely, beautiful, fair, convent-educated girl". Now the ads more often than not come with the legend: "Professionally qualified or a working girl preferred". This shift in emphasis reflects the change in society.

Now a woman who stays at home looking after the family’s needs is relegated to the background and is called a "mere housewife." The description negates the work that she puts in from dawn to midnight to convert a brick and lime house into a home. On the other hand, women who go out and earn are given importance and respect, and described as working women.

In the recent past, there has been much talk of women achievers (the so-called "working women"). The new woman is being heralded as a phenomenon who can juggle many jobs. At social gatherings, men interact with working women while housewives are made to feel inferior. Is this attitude fair? Is a woman who does not hold a job outside her home a "mere housewife" with an impaired intellect?

Anita Bansal, who opted out of a career by choice to become a housewife, differs with the above premise. "It’s most rewarding to be a housewife and a homemaker. I object to the word ‘mere’ since a woman’s physical presence at home always provides a stable, secure base for the family. Though equipped with both the qualifications and experience as a lecturer, I chose to be a ‘mere’ housewife. I have found the life of career woman to be no bed of roses. She has to juggle home and office with no time for herself.

"I, too, have passed through times of frustration; envious of my working friends. But I snapped out of it. I find many women with regular jobs feel trapped in a monotonous routine. I, on the other hand, have found time to read, write, be well-informed, grow spiritually and have a meaningful circle of friends."

Archana Singhal, a "mere housewife", adds, "While the other members of the family are involved in their own activities, co-ordination and team spirit is brought about by the housewife. Women staying home are an intelligent, compassionate lot who form the mainstay on which the family, society and nation grows."

Rita Grewal agrees that keeping house is life’s most important necessity, even a luxury for the rest of the family. A good housewife and mother is a great manager but warns that, unfortunately, her talents and other skills are taken for granted and, over a period of time, her self-esteem erodes. Rita further adds, "Housewives themselves, at times, make poor role models-- slouching lazily, entertaining friends at odd hours, watching TV indiscriminately etc. They follow no goals or deadlines. It is very important for an intelligent woman to grow, set herself targets to earn self-respect and have her own individuality; qualities which make her positive and thus a better mother, wife, daughter, friend."

Rani Manku takes the issue to a philosophical plane. "When we talk of gender justice and gender equality, one very basic element is that we refer to people or persons not men-women, male-female. To be well-rounded person one has to stand firmly on one’s own feet, be independent in thought and action and contribute in some way to the society you are a part of. This contribution can be through employment at different levels or through voluntary activity in some form for the world around us. Each person should give something in return to the society that nurtures us to have a purpose in life.

"Women, as wives and mothers, tend to over- focus on this particular role in their life. They relegate the rest of their being, their complete self, their adulthood, and their person to the background. If a woman, consciously and by choice, wants to be just a housewife then the ‘mere housewife’ tag should also be acceptable. However, if they feel this label is derogatory or negative they need to reflect on their real contribution as an individual to the society they live in."

Rajshri Sarda, a psychologist, analyses the dilemma faced by today’s women thus: "Both working and non-working women are facing an identity crisis. Earlier, housewives did not have exaggerated feelings of inferiority because it was their world, freely granted to them by men. Few women left the niche to compete in the world of men. But now they are being made to feel useless. Working women face hurdles while being accepted. It is a male world in which they are competing. Because of the double standards, they feel helpless, disturbed and disorganised. So both are groping in the changing world and their changing roles in it."

The male point of view comes from Anil Bansal, an NRI, who has seen feminist movements in the western world. He sees today’s Indian woman as attempting to balance both the traditional and modern role. "The stereotype image of a ‘mere’ housewife is that of a plain, shabbily clad individual who is stuck in the daily drudgery of cooking and cleaning."

"From time immemorial, man was a provider (hunter) and woman a homemaker. The division of labour was very clear. There was no question of superiority of one role over the other. The stress level was low. However, with the evolution of industrialised society, somehow a job outside the house was given more due than it deserved.

"As we approach the new millennium, we see that the understanding between the sexes becomes paramount. The man will learn to appreciate the woman who brings to the home qualities which complement him and can be the most important source of happiness. A woman at home, on the other hand, needs constant appreciation which will reassure her and help her blossom. Once she flowers, the fragrance engulfs the whole family. The man who learns this art will get true marital bliss,"opines Bansal.

In sum, it seems we cannot easily categorise and label people as being in an all-win situation or a no-win situation. As women play the most complex roles, they have so many ‘persons’. Therefore, to define a perfect role for a woman is well-nigh impossible.

Just because a housewife’s work is not quantified and she does not get a pay packet, it does not mean that her contribution can be belittled. There can be a good, competent housewife or an indifferent one like in any other work situation but they are a basic need of any family and pivotal to any society. With women’s education on the rise, their overall growth will be phenomenal. Who can forget the feeling of security which engulfs children when they return home to their mother who is ready to listen to their day’s escapades, or a husband who comes home to a wife who offers him a hot cup of tea?

However, it is a woman’s strength of character and her determination to come out a winner under all circumstances which makes her hold her head high. A woman is never a ‘mere’ anything. A housewife can give many things to her home as herself as well as by complementing her husband as his ardhangani. In fact, a winner is one who is at peace with herself and her surroundings and does her job (be it in the house or outside) with pride and happiness.