Finishing schools for Ms Malhotras
By Preeti Verma Lal

MISS Malhotra has dreams rolled out on a red carpet —she has a swanky car, a litter of friends who frequent the discotheque and wear Calvin Klein and Joe Bloggs, has loads to splurge and can conveniently cold-shoulder books. Books are not her way of life. Picture perfect!

Not really. What is life without a little hiccup? Miss Malhotra’s parents have a problem. Their daugther is nearing 20 and has still not received any proposal to chatter about. Miss Malhotra too has a problem —she knows not with which hand to hold the fork, nor can she distinguish between hors d’ouvres or a maitre d’, nor can she figure out what poached poissons or caviars are. She needs to learn them because her parents are hunting for a prized groom from Britain. And pronouncing hors d’ oeuvres rightly will improve her chances of finding one. So they think.

So what does Miss Malhotra do? She cannot fly off to Switzerland where finishing schools abound. So she joins the local one at Rs 500 an hour. And New Delhi is suddenly waking to this money-making skill. A number of such schools have sprung up in the Capital. They call themselves by different names — finishing schools, grooming schools, personality development institutes to just "Let’s Talk" kind of names. And they certainly have several takers.

Not just Miss Malhotra, but most Mama Malhotras too flock these institutes. Fat, ageing, stinking rich, fed on a diet of soap operas and gossip, these Mamas are being shunned by their husbands and children for being crass. "I know I am a misfit in the MTV generation. I also cannot mingle with guests when my husband throws business parties. I want to be respected and acknowledged by my loved ones that is why I joined the school," says Mrs Meenakshi Malhotra.

But she would hate it if the world knew that she was visiting an "etiquette doctor". Since it is infra dig to visit them, most etiquette schools operate from home or little pigeonholes in office areas. But the most common practice is house calls by these etiquette doctors. The visits vary from two to four times a week and cost anywhere between Rs 50 and Rs 500 an hour.

The syllabi —what else can it be called —includes basic English, way to conduct one’s self in a gathering or at the dinner table, appearance (not to wear satins and velvets in the scorching sun), make-up ("please, don’t let it flood your face"), even the amount of jewellery one needs to display. Given the exhibitionistic proclivities of the nouveau rich in the Capital, that bit about "not dripping with jewellery" is the most strenuous bit. I-have-I-must-show is the most difficult attitude to shed.

"English is the biggest stumbling block," said Himani Jayaswal, who runs such sessions. So all efforts are skewed towards making them say guarantee instead of giranty, television instead of telebhision, volume instead of vollom.

But are Mama Malhotra the only ones to go for such grooming schools? No, such schools have become a craze even among private and public sector companies. They go for programmes that build up panache and which are perceived to vastly help improve client relations and business itself. So, the man who till yesterday introduced himself as "Myself Jaspreet Singh, glad to see you sir" would tomorrow walk out of the grooming school, stretch his hands out to you and say, "Hi, I am Jaspy, how are you?" And Jaspy might clinch a deal that Jaspreet Singh missed out.

No wonder companies are ready to cough out as much as Rs 50,000 for grooming 20 executives. Jaspy was taught electronic manners — of minding the p’s and q’s in things like fax, e-mail and even getting down to details like when to switch the cellphone off. He knows which mouse to use and what brand to flaunt. And he has arrived.

Very different from the Mama Malhotra breed and the Jaspreet Singh variety are wives of bureaucrats, specially those in the Indian Foreign Service. A grooming school specialises in lessons on bartending, cuisine, laying the table, music, appearance and all that it takes to be a perfect hostess.

A couple of thousands down the etiquette school coffers and Mama Malhotra would learn not to slurp the soup, Jaspreet Singh would not burp while on a business trip to Europe, Mrs Diplomat would not serve martini to the mustachioed greying dean and Miss Malhotra’s knight might take her to his abode in Southall. (MF)