Step into my parlour, all ye lads and lasses
By Jagdish Rawatani

NAMASKAAR, how are you? This information will fill you with joy. Friends, the good news is that I’ve decided to become a producer. I’ll make television serials and tele-films. Anyone amongst you who stands before a mirror and spends hours combing his hair, dreams of Madhuri Dixit and Manisha Koirala, has the desire to see or show his face on television, can contact me and, in order to experience the feeling of sheer happiness, can pass off his face in my serial or tele-film. Soothsayers have suggested Kameez tumhaari button hamaare as the title for my maiden mega-104-episode serial. Wise people like you will notice that our serial is different from other serials.

Here I would like to clarify that my intention is not to make money. Had I wanted to make money, I would have stepped into the political morass, served the country with my body and soul. It is the desire to do something creative with money that has compelled me to take this step. Anyway, you may at once send your three recent coloured photographs along with your name. At once means at once, because I want to start shooting my serial at once. Yes. You’ll have to enclose a bank draft for Rs 250. This sum is being taken to ensure that only the really interested refugees — sorry...sorry — applicants contact.

As I’ve already said, I don’t have the slightest desire for money. I may also tell you that my serial is to be on such a grand scale that I’ll need many artistes. In other words, dray-horses and thoroughbreds alike will be able to get work in it. I was joking. You must have noticed that I have a great sense of humour.

I would earnestly like to tell young people whom God has given crooked noses and mouths not to be disheartened. Since my serial will remain continuously on air for two years, gradually people will begin to like your visage. It happens so. I would like to assure you that even the lords of ugliness will be able to make crores. There is no need even to bring a letter of recommendation from the Prime Minister. Yes, but do arrange for some money. Probably some shortfall may occur. How much you’ll have to arrange for will be told to you on meeting after assessing your worth and your financial condition so that you are in no way burdened beyond your means.

You must be aware that in films new artistes are asked to contribute up to Rs 20 lakh. Even so, those bent on becoming heroes don’t hesitate. You know the one who himself financed his first film. One has to do something when not endowed with good looks. Otherwise there is no dearth of money. But I’m scared of the people from the Income Tax Department. I don’t have the entire amount in ‘white’. Anyone bitten by the dengue mosquito can survive, but there is no hope for the one caught by the income tax people. You’ve understood me, no?

Writers also needn’t despair. I have to do so much work in future that even ten to twenty writers would not be enough. Now there will be no need for writers to grow beards and walk on the roads with bags slung from the shoulders. The difference between a beggar and a writer will be apparent. Writers who already have good subjects written with them should have them sent to me immediately. I’ll submit proposals for different channels, and my recommendation is such that rest assured acceptance is as good as obtained. You’ll find yourself turned into the well-known team of Salim-Javed.

As soon as the proposal is passed, your fee will be in your hands. Of course I can pay you in advance, but the constraint is that all great producers hold back payment till the last (most just forget to pay) moment. These great producers are of the opinion that making an earnest living causes peptic ulcers. Inhabiting the ocean, one cannot risk daring the sharks. You understand what I mean?

Yes, so I was saying that my first mega-serial Kameez tumhaari-button hamaare will soon be shown on television. If at all there is delay of any kind the reason will solely be because, after leaders like Glad Ram became Sad Ram, all officials get the C.B.I. hiccups before they accept money under the table. They get indigestion. But they feel ashamed in giving the green signal to a serial without having indulged in monkey-business. With the result that they want to thoroughly convince themselves that I’m not one from the C.B.I. The truth is that rates for getting work done have gone up. Therefore, writers too may possibly be asked to help with money. No...no you needn’t worry, only in an emergency. I can assure you this much that my company will be bigger than A.B.C.L. By the way, Amitabh Bachchan has agreed to do a special role in my serial.

About girls, I only want to say that they’ll be absolutely safe in my production. They needn’t look up to anybody else except me in my unit. It would be better if the girls were beautiful, but this is not essential. In order to add glamour to the serial, beauty queens will be selected immediately for the main roles. I’m certain that for the main role the beauties will always have a constructive attitude towards songs like Choli ke peeche kya hai or scenes like Ram Teri Ganga Maili. Otherwise, there are many characters like those of sister and sister-in-law where they will be used. No problem!

Girls will not even be compelled to arrange for money. Rather the fee payable to them would be more than that for boys. Actually by nature, I’ve had a soft corner for girls. Moreover, you’ll get to know about my large heart when you meet me. Like Raj Kapoor, I’m also an admirer of beauty, and forge a spiritual bond with every girl that I work with. Bol Radha bol sangam hoga ke nahin? Sweet dreams.

In the end I must clarify another thing. We have decided on Kameez tumhaari button hamaare as the title for the serial solely on the advice of soothsayers. Therefore, you shouldn’t conclude at all that it is the shirt on your back that will be sold in the making of the serial and that I — in other words the producer — will contribute just the buttons. A separate search is on for good financiers. You just realise the importance of the serial. Tomorrow you may become a film star. Rrrr...ray. A ray of hope is visible only in my serial.

Note: Later, when there will be a need for technicians, efforts will be made to loot — sorry...sorry — locate them through an advertisement.

This feature was published on November 21, 1999