Net picking

Sorry

THE old gent was backing his Rolls into the last available parking space when a zippy red sports car whipped in behind him to take the spot.

The young driver jumped out and said: "Sorry Pops, but you’ve got to be young and smart to do that."

The old man ignored the remark and kept reversing until the Rolls had crunched the sports car into a crumpled heap.

"Sorry son, you’ve got to be old and rich to do that!"

I know his password!

While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy’s password! I know Daddy’s password!"

"What is it? Her sisters asked eagerly.

Proudly she replied: "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"

Swinging sixties

The swinging sixties changed the face of America, indeed of many other parts of the world.

Here are some old and new concerns for people of the baby boom generation.

Then: Long hair.

Now: Longing for hair.

Then: Moving to California because it’s cool.

Now: Moving to California because it’s hot.

Then: Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with your parents.

Now: Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with your kids.

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

Then: The US President’s struggle with Fidel.

Now: The US President’s struggle with fidelity.

Twins

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other were their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on the twins’ birthday their father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist’s room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly. "Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read the all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken," answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin’s room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied: "There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

Wisdom teeth

One day a man walks into a dentist’s office and asks how much it would cost to extract wisdom teeth.

"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.

"That’s a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn’t there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don’t use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $60."

"That’s still too expensive," the man says.

"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anaesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20."

"Nope," moans the man, "it’s still too much."

"Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10."

"Marvellous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"