Are you facing a mid-life crisis?
By Nonika Singh

Youth is full of pleasure, age is full of care.
Youth if full of sport, age’s breath is short.
Youth is hot and bold, age is weak and cold.
Youth is wild, age is tame.
Age I do abhor thee, youth I do adore thee.

— William Shakespeare

JUST the other day, a friend remarked sardonically:"Life after 35 is headed towards a dead end. All exciting moments — the first languorous kiss, searing passion of the first embrace and significant milestones- marriage, children and career — have already happened. Life holds little promise". Yet another woman isn’t a wee bit effusive about her date with an astrologer. Despondently, she muses:"Cards in my life have been uncovered. Most of my dreams have crystallised into reality. My Prince Charming is by my side and I am basking in the warmth and love of my children. What else can an astrologer prophesie and what more is there to know?" Ramblings of a pessimist? Candid, albeit bitter confessions, or inkling of a grave mid-life crisis? Do forties signal a constant downhill drive? Are dreams and aspirations placed on a backburner as life follows the beaten track where you allow things to happen at a dreary, insipid pace? Does the fountainhead of creativity and energy die a natural death?

Vijaya Pushkarana, a journalist who takes glorious pride in her growing years, dismisses any such suggestion. For her, each day brings a whiff of fresh air. A new dream is born with each new dawn and even dusk.

Impetuously, she questions: "Tell me, what’s so earth shaking about the first kiss, the first date,or the first lover? Mere churlish expectations. Stereotyped notions akin to a herd mindset. In the early twenties, we etched out typical Mills and Boon fantasies steeped in an illusory world. Only with age do we learn to weave individualistic practical aspirations in tune with our aptitude and needs."

Jaswant Singh, Deputy Advocate General, Haryana, agrees. "With greying hair comes a fresh perspective, a better insight into one’s limitations and talents. In retrospect we might go ga ga over the initial flush of youth and feel that the entire world is at your feet. But it’s a very insecure world, a period of struggle, of trials and tribulations. Real life begins from now onwards". Ah, but aren’t reality and elusive magical cocoon of dreams, reason and passion divorced from other? As practical wisdom seeps in predictably, passion goes for a toss. Does it not?

Amazingly, the unequivocal answer is in the negative. Rohit Sharma, an executive, puts it succinctly:"Age rekindles passion." More significantly the flame of passion is ablaze, not thanks to amorous illicit liaisons but within the confines of marital web. Unpalatable! For, psychologists insist (see box) that most adults walk out of relationships at this juncture in their lives. Moreover, didn’t someone say that after a while the man-woman relationship falls into such a rote that partners even begin to resemble each other? As the intimacy grows, the tie gravitates towards mundane, routine, and at best, so boringly familiar. Vijaya argues: "When human nature itself is not predictable, how can human ties be? Moreover, its now more than even that passion and reason co-exist". As Gibran said: "Reason alone is a force confining. Passion unattended, a flame that burns to its own destruction. So direct your passion with reason so that your passion may live through its daily resurrection and the phoenix rises above its own ashes."

Vijaya adds: "In our younger days we are bogged down by authority. Authority figures in schools and colleges and with parents, and we had to bow down in deference to their wishes. On the contrary, today I have the freedom to be myself. Age grants a licence to speak one’s mind, to be uninhibited". Brave words! However, not all share her euphoria. Abhinav Kumar, general manager of an electronics factory, finds no reason to rejoice at approaching birthdays. He exclaims: "There is a growing disenchantment related with passing years. Few years ago I would have taken up any challenging assignment but today I prefer the status quo. Placid contentment as against pulsating adventure."

Mala Jayaram, caught in the cesspool of stagnation after having sacrificed career at the altar of marriage and family laments: "There is a gnawing fear that I might have missed the bus." Indeed, as the mantle of age rests heavily, an aching realisation grips one’s mind. Life is short and man is but mortal. Dr Birendra Sachdeva, specialist in aesthetics dentistry, whose childhood dream of becoming a professional with a difference stands fully realised, avers: "Undeniably, I am conscious of the inevitability of death. I am prepared for the moment when I shall be no more, and that fatal moment could be a split second away." Acceptance of life’s full and final reality, however, doesn’t automatically translate into a death wish. Age has dispelled unnecessary, irrational fears and they get on with life, unaided by crutches like meditation, philosophy or religion.

With children as referral points in their lives, thoroughly enjoying the process of second childhood, their progeny epitomises yearnings and longings. But as Vijaya says, "My daughter is a very integral part of my life but she is not me. My dreams are a distinct entity. Few generations ago, perhaps, life peaked at 40, but today no one knows wherein lies the pinnacle. I am positive the most wonderful surprise still awaits me."

While Vijaya and others like her, with an exciting and fulfilling career ahead, have every plausible reason to be bristling with optimism, even the most hardboiled cynics amongst us have a bit of Scarlet O’Hara in us.

The indefatigable human spirit which can never be cowed down. Tomorrow, after all, is another day. As Dr Sachdeva quips: "Tomorrow is today. Today, in which we embrace the past with remembrance and future with longing."

Mid-life crisis: Myth or reality

According to Erik Erikson’s developmental theory, adults in middle years confront a core conflict between generativity and stagnation. The generative adult is productive, creative and involved in preparing the next generation for life within the culture. The adult who fails to do so shows signs of psychological shrivelling that Erikson dubbed stagnation. Levinson, yet another psychologist, described mid-life transition as a period in which most adults experience a crisis as, "every aspect of their lives comes into question. They are horrified by much that is revealed." It is a period of self examination and recrimination. Face-to-face with the onslaught of reality, it is a time of lost illusions. Even achievers experience trauma. For instance, a person who aspired all his life to become a vice-president of a group, may have the position and the status, but not the happiness. Adults may shift out of careers and relationships. However, Costa and Mc Crae opine that mid-life crisis is the exception which doesn’t prove the rule. They found no age difference, i.e. no peak in distress or turmoil at mid-life.

People who have a mid-life crisis may be prone to crisis at other points in their lives as well. Middle adult years may be a time for a change but no more or less traumatic than that which occur at other periods of life. So they declared that while some adults might suffer from mid-life crisis, most do not.