A little of a lot

This 'n' that

By Renee Ranchan

THIS is just one of those days! I have so many things I would like to talk about — and so do not know where to get started! Excuse me if this turns out to be a jumbled-up exercise. So do we get started?

I never thought I would ever end up saying so, but I was sad to see my house guest go. One Thursday morning, I bid Asisa a teary goodbye. The week that she stayed with us was too short... . The lady was so full of everything — energy, laughter, stories. I would listen to her tales which, I suspect, she would pep up with that extra dash of imagination, exaggeration. But that is what makes a story-teller, no? Anyone can lay down the facts. But who wants to listen to drab details? A story-teller, on the other hand, weaves magic out of mundane things. It is the way the tale is told, the voice, the tilt of the head, the pauses... I actually thought I had spent a few days in London! Forgetful of me, I did not say this guest was from London. (Speak of getting ahead of yourself!).

Anyhow, Asisa loves nothing more than her morning bed tea and paper ... she would practically devour both (half-a-dozen cups of tea and the same number of papers) while she was here. And so I knew that for a reality!

I asked her about London — what was happening there — and warned her not to talk of politics. I do not have the brains for it and I do understand that politics is politics whether it is here or there! Do wish I could get into those tiny, textural details but that would make me the story-teller I am not! However, I shall try to put in that Asisa-flavour. So here they are.

Postcards from London: Did you know Cherie Blair wears a crystal pendant? Gifted or definitely recommended by (you shall not believe it!) Hillary Clinton. A fashion statement. No. The pendant is to ward off the evil eye. And Mrs Blair is an ardent believer in Feng Shui. You know, the Chinese way of arranging things in your house to facilitate the positive flow of energy. Yes, I had heard of it. It is something like our Vaastu Shastra except that it is easier and cheaper. Unlike our Vaastu where you may have to deconstruct the entire home, converting the bathroom to a kitchen, Feng Shui is just about rearranging your furniture. Simple, no? (Though people may wonder what your bed is doing in the middle of the room or how come your TV is placed at a ridiculously funny angle!) And usually this ‘system’ warrants the presence of a waterfall. No, not a real one but those cute fancy ones that are available in those chic, fancy stores, at of course even a fancier price. A porcelain, foot-high hillock with a quaint cottage perched on top with rivulets and a soft gurgling sound to go with it. All you have to do is plug it in. The only catch: available for Rs 15,000. Feng Shui, however is ‘quite accommodating’ (Asisa’s description). If you cannot afford a decorative waterfall, no problem. Buy a poster with a picture of a waterfall... it will do! But back to Mrs Blair — rumour has it that she is getting 10 Downing done up the Feng Shui way. That really makes you wonder ... . If world leaders go this route maybe you should stop feeling self-conscious about following suit. It must work ... how else do you explain a prime-ministerial posting?

Now, if you know of a Feng Shui consultant do write in ... . But this Go-Eastern bent does not end here. Cherie (by now I think we are on first-name terms) wore a sari to a black-tie dinner. That was not all, Madonna (who incidentally has set up home in England; big, bad America is not right for raising her two-year-old child) sports a bindi nowadays. Yes, you heard that correctly — a bindi! As does Kate Winslet, how can we forget Titanic? I saw the movie twice, both times I had to use the back of my hand to wipe my tears. The supply of tissue papers fell short ... . The Titanic heroine wears a golden, glittering one for formal occasions. The bindi, now fashionable? I asked intrigued. Of course it looked good ... Asisa agreed but fashion did not figure here. This intrigued me further. Had I not heard of the ‘third eye’, that extra special vision that gave you a vantage view? (Vantage vision, that was an interesting theory!) The bindi, is more about giving your eyes that deeper, more intense look if you want to know my opinion!

The English, curry crazy? Yes, that I had heard, knew so far a fact as well. And recently a survey showed ‘butter chicken tikka’ to be the favourite food of the Brits. Want to roll in pounds — the money silly, not flesh! Open an Indian restaurant. That, I sadly have to confess, is not ‘up my alley’. Though, of late I have been memorising the recipes of pyaz-less raaj-ma, onion-free bhindi, grilled aubergine (that is baingan ka bharta for me and you!) and yes, have even tried my hand at mutton (no) do pyaza. Yes, I did buy a book titled Onion-free Cooking. But going by our new Congress sarkaar’s assurances (the roti, kapada, makaan mantra has been replaced with pyaz, aloo, tamatar promises. I guess I will not be needing this book for long either. A little more from Asisa before we head on.

This year Christmas would not be the same. Why was that? There was a dearth of podgy-looking men to play Santa. And kids — having grown smarter — make out from a mile away if Santa has puffed himself up with a pillow.

I had offered to take the lady how to see Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, but to my amazement she had already seen it in London! And not on video but in a full-fledged theatre! I was glad to see Indian Londoners took to Shah Rukh Khan. I guess it is his everydayness that is so appealing ... stammery voice, tousled hair. But I am not a films critic, so I had better run along ... . Speaking of films though, two Fridays ago my brother called from America and asked, "Is it true?" Last time, if you remember, the is-it-true query was about the price of onions ... this time it was about Fire. That Fire had almost been put on fire. Yes, in two cinema houses in Mumbai and Delhi, a show was stopped just as soon as it started. ‘Some people’ had attacked Regal theatre, breaking windows, tearing posters. And when the TV camera had its eye on this ‘act’, the people attacked with a greater gusto, vengeance... My brother listened silently to the account and hung up, warning me repeatedly to stay away from movie halls. (A tall order, knowing my fondness for films!) He said you never know, ‘they might find something ‘un-Indian’ in one of those mushy, feel-good family drama movies so popular these days. I laughed it away, but you know what, he did have a point! On Fire again:I doubt now if I will be able to see it. Bleary video prints are not for me! I had been planning to see it the week it had been "forcibly taken off". Bad luck, Murphy’s law and poor me, that is all I can say. But trek on, shall we ... as it is we are nearing the end and I still have a couple of things to say.

It was fascinating to read about how a father had successfully donated 20 per cent of his liver to his infant son. The liver, they say, rejuvenates itself. It makes you believe in miracles and doctors as well. Before I came across this, I was almost sick to my stomach by reading about a doctor (in Bihar, I think), who had, without conducting the requisite tests, operated on a lady. She had complained of tummy trouble. And you know what? He left a towel inside her! Stitched her up and asked her to be on her way. Days later when the pain became unbearable, two things were discovered — a handtowel and irreparable gynaecological damage. And if you think these things can happen in mofussil towns, take this: A few years ago in a huge, well-known hospital in New York, doctors operated on the wrong side of the head of Sri Devi’s mother! Yes, this in the good, old USA! I have more such stories but ... time, we have run out of it. But, this I am sure explains my fear of hospitals. Home remedies, I am a great believer in them. Down with a cold? Nothing like a hot water bottle to warm your bed and a piping hot bowl of chicken soup. Or creamy vegetable soup for the vegetarian. Sore throat?Honey in warm water with a trickle of ginger juice... High cholesterol? Munch a couple of cloves of garlic. Yes, that may keep your friends at bay but health is wealth and that is not a cliché.