Are good guys bad husbands?

In a marriage, a man needs to have varying shades to his personality. A relationship needs an element of surprise and fun. There should be an element of mystery, the slight roguishness of a Robin Hood, along with broad shoulders to carry the burden of marriage and the patience to hear his wife out, says Belu Maheshwari.

FOR most men and women all over the world, the unspoken agenda of their lives is to get married and stay happily married. Even the increasing divorce rate has not been able to shatter the belief in the institution of marriage. Much-married Elizabeth Taylor is still at it, searching for the elusive recipe for a good marriage. This objective has a powerful influence on many areas of peoples’ lives, decisions, patterns of behaviour and even thought. Till now, no sure shot mantra has been developed for a successful marriage. The ingredients which may work for one couple may lead to disaster for another.

In our country, the state of a marriage has been judged only from the male point of view. Husbands were all good because they were the lords, the providers. They could be cold, aloof, bad, indifferent, alcoholics, wife-beaters, but they were patis, and it was the duty of women to consider them their Parmeshwars.

But times have changed. With education, has come awareness. There is now much more equality between the sexes. It is a fact that the late 20th century has seen a tremendous rise in women development, and growth in their consciousness, thought processes, needs and aspirations. The clear-cut roles of men and women in society and family have become defused. With women’s emancipation has come economic and social power. She now also wants her pound of fun and a "good" life.

In marriage, too, women have carved a new niche for themselves. They are defining good husbands. According to them, a good husband should also be their best friend. He should be supportive of their needs; and should be caring towards them. Alongside, the man should have the ability to have fun and enjoy life as much as possible.

If this be so, it is apparent that nice men do not make good husbands. It is not to say that a criminal or an anti-social being will make a good husband. A bad-charactered man, in any case, will lack the basic humaneness to be a good husband. Instead, we are talking of men who have all the virtues prescribed to attain instant nirvana. Men who are "godly" are those who overlook day-to-day matters, show small gestures which nurture relationships and don’t philosophise on celestial issues, which are, in any case, above the reach of ordinary mortals.

As Sabina Mandher says, "I just cannot complain because my husband never does anything wrong. He is near-perfect. He does not speak too much, never says a word out of place, does not complain, is not demanding, and has tremendous patience. But over the years, it is like living with Buddha. I can understand what his (Buddha’s) wife went through." She further elaborates, "Life is one big round of duties and correct behaviour. You have no time for small pleasures of life".

Men, who have the qualities of "greatness", also seem to get carried away by their images. As Ranee Manco says, "Nice men are smug. People around go on telling them how good they are, or Woh to bada sharief hai, and they come to not only believe it but live the part to the hilt. Throughout my marriage it is not what people have said against me which bothers me. It is what is left unsaid, after praising my spouse, which has undermined me."

"The nice man is so busy living the image thrust on him that he forgets the nitty-gritty of life, which is picked up by the wife because a woman is first and foremost a home-maker and a mother. Her instincts are to provide, and nurture her family. If she feels the husband is too good to do his bit, she, like a lioness, takes over. Such women are supposed to be chalu, tez etc. But they are only surviving." According to Ranee, "At the end of the day when I sit back and think, I do not remember harming anyone, stabbing anyone, or grabbing from anyone. Even I have led an honest life. Then why this deliberate attempt at leaving me out when talking of my husband? Is it because these nice men seem so bechara? In our society, we can empathise with them and not with a person who goes ahead and makes life work? Living with a good man is very stressful because in their own way they destroy your confidence. You start doubting your self and end up making mistakes."

In our society, we live in glass houses. Everyone minds everyone else’s business. In one case, the woman had to live with the stigma of having pushed her husband to despair because of her ambition. The man was a great mixer. He liked baithak-baji, quoted poetry pegs of liquor and was generally considered to be a bada dildar banda, ever ready to fight causes, always there for friends. Everyone outside saw his goodness but did anyone ever see his role as a husband or father? When do such men have the time for their family when they are busy "performing as per their image" outside? What about the needs of the family? If the roles were reversed, the woman would have got the flak, not the man.

Dimpy Gujral, a well-known dress designer says, "My husband Vivek is too good to be true. He has hardly any negative traits. He is so good that he is not made for this terrible world. He should be in a hermitage. He is not at all interested in money. He cannot say anything nasty, even to an enemy. If I try to fight with a person who has wronged us, he will say, ‘Why are you lowering yourself to their level?’ He is generous to a fault because he is not bothered from where the next meal will come. Wives of such men have to become decision-makers because they are pushed to the wall. Such men are called hen-pecked. It is not as if we control the husbands. If we did, we would change them the way we like them to be. Such men in their own way are very stubborn. It is only that we take decisions because that is the need of our lives. In a way, I am grateful to Vivek because he made me realise my full potential. Now I can handle any situation in the world. I am confident of my abilities and I am successful in my field. My husband has no ego. He always says, ‘Behind every successful woman also, there is a man".

Pushpa Singh, a housewife, after 35 years of marriage says, "We did not enjoy, never went for holidays, hardly ever dined out or saw movies. Life just passed by because my husband is a sant. His life runs with clock-work precision. He spends two hours in the morning praying. He has fixed meal times. He eats the same food. Evening programmes are also set. Then comes walking and reading philosophical books. There is no variation. A woman needs a man to be able to make her grow. Only today’s girls can ignore their husbands’ natures and chalk out successful lives for themselves. We were tied to their needs, and till the children were young, I tried to live through them, but after they grew up, I realised there was nothing in this marriage for me. It is good that today’s girls know what they want from life. Very nice men only bother about being good. They forget the needs of others."

Amita Brar, a psychologist, sums up the debate very succinctly: "The crux of the matter is not whether a man is nice or not. In a marriage, the key issue is sensitivity towards the partner. If he is sensitive to the wife, he will be sensitive to your needs, and if her needs are slightly more worldly, he will see to that also."

"Men by nature cannot play many roles at the same time. Women are multi-faceted. They can be mothers, daughters, wives, housewives, professionals — all rolled into one. Men can only walk one path. Balancing does not come easily to them. Very few men have the strength to be different from their basic character. They cannot rise above it with ease.

"But you cannot generalise. A nice man can have all the qualities needed in a good husband. There are no hard and fast rules that nice men do not make good husbands. Women need to be cared. There should therefore be good communication in marriage, respect for each other, and, above all, a woman needs a friend and a mate.

"People say successful women breed insecure men, but I say a supportive husband can bring about confidence and nurture a successful woman. There is a need to complement each other and to give strength."

In our ancient texts, a good wife has been described as one who possesses many qualities and can play various roles. She should also have the playfulness of a courtesan to entice and keep her husband. In a marriage, a man also needs to have varying shades to his personality. A relationship needs an element of surprise and fun. There should be an element of mystery, the slight roguishness of a Robin Hood, along with broad shoulders to carry the burden of marriage and the patience to hear his wife.

Marriage as an institution is the basis of society. To breed good relationships, we need to look around us and within ourselves.Both partners should always work towards improving the quality of marriage. While marriages may be made in heaven, the great ones are certainly crafted here on earth — with love, determination, patience and understanding.