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Straight from the heart

Dil hi to hai, na sang-o- khisht, dard se bhar na aaye kyon

Straight from the heart

Laxmi celebrates feminity, but believes it is hard to be “yourself in a patriarchal society”.



Dil hi to hai, na sang-o- khisht, dard se bhar na aaye kyon

Royenge hum hazar baar, koi hume sataye kyon?

(Its my heart not a brick, it cries, let me cry thousand times, why stop me?)

— Ghalib

Rana Siddiqui Zaman

You know, people call me a bitch,” says Laxmi Narayan Tripathi straight-faced, her eyes betraying the false bravado of taking it with as much ease.

Thirtytwo years old, Laxmi is India’s first transgender to represent her community at the UN, and also the first one to write her own bold story in an autobiography, Main Laxmi, Main Hijra. The book becomes a talking point owing to its explosive contents, wherever she goes. So was it here in New Delhi too, when she spoke to the audience about the book and her life, at the Samanvay language festival at the India Habitat Centre recently.

Dressed in a white sari with golden border, flaunting a huge red bindi and sindoor, the tall Laxmi, with her good physique and unique disposition, catches immense attention, also for her vast knowledge of the transgender/ hijra/LGBT communities, apart from literature, religions, poetry, Section 377 and much more. She talks convincingly,  punctuating perfectly, quoting from Shakespeare, WH Longfellow, Jane  Austen, Keats, Urdu couplets, Islam and Ramayana.

Since much has been said about her childhood days, and the reaction of her parents and society, Laxmi’s life is a focus point on her “type of life”.

But the real Laxmi is someone else. She takes care of her home and all that comes with it: cleaning of the house,  ensuring there is no shortage of grocery. She hops from one city to another,  meeting parliamentarians, audiences, journalists, to follow up new judgments and rules vis-à-vis her community. In all this, Laxmi quite forgets her own self. “Who calls you a bitch, and why?” I ask her, “you are a well-read person, make sense, are convincing”. A little pacified, she speaks out, “They... the so-called dharma-gurus and clerics. Because I am a Hindu-Brahmin, I know the scriptures. I refuse to buy the Hinduism and Islam that they are trying to sell me. My Constitution is my religion and I follow my Constitution, morality cannot be made to sit on it as judgment, and whose morality by the way?” her voice grows stern.

What does she do when furious and distressed? She spends time with her boyfriend Vicky Thomas, sips beer with him and her family at home in Mumbai, talks light and love! In between, she asks her domestic help, “Beta, if eggs had finished why didn’t you get them in the morning? Take money, buy two crates tomorrow morning, first thing.”

Laxmi’s father died last year and her mother often accompanies her to some events. Her parents have been her source of strength. “When people would ask my father why they didn’t abandon me. My father would ask, 'if she had been handicapped, would I have abandoned her, so why now?’”

After his death, she has been taking care of her mother. “My mother is my child now, she is the most important decision maker of my home and life," she says with pride.

“Will you talk to my mother,” she asks me, and without waiting for an answer, she hands over the phone to her mother: “Lo mamma, baat karo, meri saheli hai Dilli se.”

Within minutes, she develops a bond. Her mother asks: “Kaisi ho beta?” Her voice is lyrical, affectionate. She feels no hesitation recounting her experience. “People ask me if I feel pained to have ‘such a child’. I say that I kept her in my womb for nine months, if I won’t feel the pain, who will? I am proud of her. We didn’t want to be among parents who abandon their children for no fault of theirs. Humne kaleje se laga ke rakha, we educated her, taught her dance and now she is self-reliant. What else can parents ask for, other than a successful, loving and respectful child? How many of you have such wonderful kids? People often feel remorse and are left speechless,” chuckles the 64-year-old mother.

Vicky Thomas chips in: “People ask me insensitive questions about my association with Laxmi. God has given me two ears, one to listen with and the other one to blow it off.”

Yet, among it all, the activist has not forgotten that she has a responsibility as a representative of the community. So, next on the cards is establishing a Kinnar Akhada Vishwapeeth.

“We will go to Kumbh Mela and garner support. Also, in December, we will  organise the recitation of Ram Charit Manas for transgenders by Murari Bapu, at Thane, in which 1,000 transgenders from Asia Pacific regions will participate,” she says.

“It is because,” she says, “in establishing dharma and  truth, the transgenders played an important role."

It will also have several progressive thought sessions on best practices in Asia Pacific and socio-economic development  of transgenders in Asia and other regions. 

What about Bollywood? Trained in Bharatnatyam, Laxmi has choreographed and acted in a few videos, documentaries and short films, but the Hindi film industry has not approached her for serious work. “The industry follows stereotypes. It does not give transgenders substantial roles. Many such roles have come my way too. I refused. How can I make fun of or abuse my own community? It is this very stigma I am fighting. I can’t lose my dignity with such paradoxical real and reel life.”

While she celebrates feminity, she moans: “It is hard to be yourself in a patriarchal society.”

She is working on her next book, The Lipstick Men in My Life. It will also be printed in Marathi.

With so much to look forward to, Laxmi should be happy. But one Friday evening, she is gloomy, distraught. "Ruling party bahut buri hai. I went to Parliament on December 4 with representatives from our community (for a discussion on Section 377). They (ministers) treated us like terrorists. They made the security sit on either side of us. We could not even move our head. It was so humiliating,” she breaks down.

How long will it take for the Laxmis to live a life of dignity in our ‘welfare’ society?

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