THIS ABOVE ALL
Who is the boss?
Khushwant Singh

WHEN I was an Editor (I edited quite a few weekly and daily papers in my time), I was content to describe myself simply as editor because I was the boss. Nothing in the journals I edited appeared without my approval. Consequently, I find it somewhat amusing to see present-day editors assume honorifics like Chief Editor, Editor-in-Chief, Managing Editor, Executive Editor etc. What really matters are not these grandiose titles, but who ultimately decides what should and what should not go in the journal he or she edits.

I was in for a rude awakening when the proprietor of a weekly journal I had edited with a modicum of success sacked me without ceremony and ordered me out of my office a week before I was due to retire. I was mortified and swore I would teach him a lesson he would not easily forget. I was unable to do so. But I did have the malicious pleasure of seeing the journal dwindle to extinction a few years after I left.

Since then, I have woken to the reality of editing journals. Editors, no matter how inflated their egos, how sought after they are in society and what fringe benefits they get in trips and travels abroad, are a dispensable lot and dependent on the whim of proprietors. There is much truth in the adage, "He who pays the piper calls the tune." In turn proprietors’ primary interest is to earn as handsome dividends as they can from their investments. For them, owning a newspaper is much the same as owning a fertiliser plant, cloth or sugar mill but with the extra advantage of being able to promote or belittle politicians, chief ministers, ministers and others who matter.

They are fully aware that central and state governments are the single largest advertisers in the country. They must be kept on the right side. You can see this phenomenon every day in the journals you read. One day, a front page carries the news that Mayawati, who owned next to nothing when she launched herself into politics, admits she is worth Rs 88 crore now. I am willing to bet she has a lot more. A few pages later, the same paper will carry a full page with a large photograph of Mayawati, with a text detailing the great things she has done for Uttar Pradesh. A page later, there will be pictures of poor children eating mud with swollen bellies.

Pick up any paper published in Punjab and you will find four or five half-page insertions put in by some department of the government with photographs of the Badals — father and son and the minister concerned, telling of the rapid strides made in the state —whereas the reality is that Punjab has fallen from being the leader down to the fifth or sixth position and is heavily in debt.

Ministers of the central government do not lag behind state governments in promoting their images. Pictures of Sonia Gandhi and Manmohan Singh and the minister concerned are a must. It has become a symbiotic relationship: ministries feed on newspapers, newspapers feed on ministries. So, where do editors come in? They are mere cogs in the machinery of governance.

If IPL is nationalised

The new Commissioner of the IPL, replacing Lalit Modi, will be an IAS officer, 1989 batch, transferred from the Food Corporation of India. Mayawati will demand, however, that the new Chairman should be her own candidiate, Dalit Modi. The name of Mumbai Indians will immediately be changed to Mumbai Manus. It will, naturally, field only Maharashtrians (preferably Maharashtrian Brahmins). All other players will have their legs broken.

The Chennai Super Kings team will be renamed Dravida Cricket Kazhagam. Subsequently, one faction will break away and the team will split into DCK (DMK), and AIADCK, owing allegiance to Karunanidhi and Jayalalitha, respectively. Each political party will have its own team: BJP Bandits, Congress Cobras, CPI Cadres, Samajwadi Strikers, CPM Challengers, Trinamul Tigers etc.

The auction of players will be replaced by teams calling for tenders for players. The lowest priced players will be picked.

Sonia Gandhi will insist that 30 per cent of each team should be reserved for women. Mayawati will demand that SC/ST players should run for only 18 yards instead of 22 yards between the wickets. Third-Umpire requests will have to be filled in triplicate and duly notarised. All Third-Umpire decisions will be referred to a Joint Parliamentary Commission. IPL tickets will henceforth be available at all post offices and BSNL centres from 10 am to 12.35 pm. The facility to purchase tickets on your cellphone will immediately be withdrawn. Cheerleaders will be replaced by retired Air India flight attendants. These new cheerleaders will perform from the folk dances of the states they represent during breaks.

(Contributed by J.K. Mathur, Gurgaon)

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