Two much trouble
Nonika Singh

Though the second-spouse syndrome is not new among our
celebrities, it still grabs the media and public glare

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. — Jim Backus

Indeed, behind many a successful man it seems there is more than one woman. The Sania-Shoaib-Ayesha saga finally ended with a whimper. Yet, just when the din had died down, rose another cry — Sania is Shoaib’s second wife. Hmmm ... had the media heard the word second wife for the first time?

Seriously, in a nation where even bigamy has been invariably accepted, particularly in the film industry, is there reason to fuss over the second wife that often comes after the divorce with the first wife?

Take any actor worth his salt and a second wife — legal or not — stands right behind. Raj Babbar, Dilip Kumar, Dharmendra`85. The second choice is often the right choice. And it isn’t as if actors alone have access to more than one woman. Noted lyricist Javed Akhtar, film producer Boney Kapoor and many more have moved on to prettier women.

So, is the film industry an island unto itself where relationships are at a premium and break at the slightest pretext? Or is it merely a microcosm and hence, a reflection of society at large? Without doubt, despite movies like Gharwali Baharwali, the "second woman" wasn’t discovered by Bollywood. To some extent, the fact that celebrities’ private lives are prised open for public consumption does make them appear morally more deviant and, thus, susceptible to critical analysis and often ridicule, too.

After the already-married Dharmendra’s wedding to Hema Malini came to light, filmmaker and actor Jaspal Bhatti even had the gall to send an open letter to the judiciary, beseeching it to make second marriages of film stars legal. Jokes apart, not all second marriages fall in the ambit of bigamy.

Savita Bhatti, his other half, feels that social norms and restrictions certainly apply less to filmstars and often creativity is used as a ruse to be different and unaccountable. Besides, she asserts, "Let us not forget that Bollywood is a different world full of artifice and relationships often fall prey to superficiality. On screen, they might script legendary love tales but offscreen, there are broken relationships galore." Indeed, the till-death-do-us-part onscreen romance rarely finds a match in their real love stories, that often go awry not only the first time over but, as in the case of superstar Kamal Hassan, the second time, too.

While Kamal Hassan has been blatantly open about his liaisons, not all are upfront and many keep their relationships under wraps. Singer Udit Narayan’s first wife surfaced from nowhere. Dilip Kumar’s second marriage to Asma created quite a stir and was a messy affair.

Reasons for the higher incidence of more than one relationship in the film industry are not far to seek. One causative factor, as we all know, is proximity. Unlike other professions where there is a suitable professional distance between members of the opposite sex, the film industry demands greater intimacy and contact. And before you know, sparks begin to fly.

Actor Sonu Sood of the Jodhaa Akbar and Singh is Kinng fame states, "Constant travel, exposure to more attractive people ... without doubt, in the glamour world the temptations are many."

But having said that, he insists that there is no reason to infer that Bollywood is an amoral mass, which cares two hoots about what the society thinks. He adds, "An actor is more conscious of his behaviour, for it could make or mar his image. So, as against an ordinary human being, when an actor decides to walk out of a relationship, it must be for compelling reasons."

The factors for a break-up, interestingly, could be biological, too. Dr Simmi Waraich, consultant psychiatrist, Fortis Hospital, SAS Nagar, says, "Whether such people have more of the "sensation-seeking" gene that prompts them towards greater risk-taking behaviour or it is the environmental conditioning, the answers are not easy to find."

Dr Pankaj Singh, Dean, Languages, HP University, Shimla, and author of Representing Woman: Tradition, Legend and Punjabi Drama, argues that part of the second marriage phenomenon is but an extension of our patriarchal value system that ultimately condones when the man errs.

But whether it is a bigamous relationship or a legal second matrimonial alliance, Dr Pankaj feels that the man is rarely the loser. Adarsh Kohli, additional professor of clinical psychology, PGI, Chandigarh, however, feels that the new emerging social matrix should not be confused with gender biases alone. Instead, she asserts, " It is a byproduct of new culture that seeks self-gratification above all else. If someone suffers or pays a price in the process, neither the man nor the woman is perturbed."

In short, society has no right to be preaching how individuals ought to behave in what many feel are, in effect, personal tragedies.

Dr Waraich quips, "Whether society has the right or not, it will always judge."

But has society learnt to consider and accept relationships which were traditionally frowned upon? Undeniably, society has come a long way from the sati-savitri syndrome. Ironically, children, considered a broken marriage’s biggest victim, are accepting new relationships of their parents with greater equanimity. Kamal Hassan, who stirred a hornet’s nest a few decades ago by not only having a live-in relationship with Sarika (he did marry her later) but also a child out of wedlock, shares a perfect equation with his daughters from Sarika, whom he later left for another woman.

Dr Waraich reasons, "In the end, what matters is not the morality of the issue but how the individuals concerned deal with the situation." Of course, each individual handles things differently. While Saira Banu stood her ground and made sure that new entrant Asma in hubby Dilip’s life moved out, Dharmendra’s first wife Prakash Kaur has faced her travail with stoic dignified silence. In Nadira Babbar’s case, perhaps, the blow was softened with the untimely death of Smita Patil. In an interview, she let the past be with the reasoning, "Aisa har ghar mein hota hai."

Whether a recurring phenomenon in the film industry or an integral part of society that we all inhabit, fractured matrimonial alliances, feels Kohli, do not bode well and do represent a dangerous trend in a society that has always valued and taken pride in the stability of relationships.

Still, what can be done? Sonu, who thinks playing a man with two wives on screen would be a challenge and in real life an unenviable dilemma, quips, "Times are changing."

For better or worse ... the debate has takers on both sides. For a society in a flux that has only recently woken up to live-in as well as gay relationships, the openness to discuss hitherto brushed-under-the-carpet issues is itself a welcome sign.

 

All in the game Vaibhav Sharma Former United States Secretary of Defence Donald Rumsfeld once said, "Know that the amount of criticism you receive may correlate somewhat to the amount of publicity you receive." Now, the line might have a lot of political connotations to it, but it can apply to almost all spheres of life in today’s society. This is the age of reality TV, dramatised, by compulsion. It seems even reality needs to be packaged properly to be sold. The recent surfacing of the first wife ensured that Shoaib Malik’s marriage to Sania Mirza became his second Photo: Reuters Sourav Ganguly’s link-up with an actress at one time threatened his marriage to Dona Photo: PTI So, when everyone is falling for this instant glamour, sure-shot stardom and uninhibited lifestyle, can sports be far behind. It has, after all, had a strange link with glamour and the entire package that comes along with it. Sportsmen have always been attracted towards movie stars, and vice- versa. The latest Sania-Shoaib marriage news might have covered another ‘boundary’ or two, but this is definitely not the first time that the metaphor ‘love is blind’ has surfaced between the two warring Asian neighbours. The entire Sania-Shoaib saga was filled with real-time drama, clarifications, the ‘other’ woman (who ultimately did turn out to be Shoaib’s first wife) and media frenzy. But why does the world suddenly care when two people decide to tie the knot? Why has the media woken up to anything and everything that might have happened in the private life of these two people? The answer is simple, yet layered with possibilities and probabilities. According to India’s ace boxer Vijender Singh, who also is among the most eligible bachelors around, it is all ultimately a part of being a public figure and one has to learn to deal with it just as the media and society have to learn to accept and honour an individual’s personal space. "When you love the adulation and respect that you get from the public, you have to be ready to face the music when they are put off by something you do. Nobody can be right all the time. "People love their stars and heroes, and when they feel that the star has done something wrong, they forget that the person in question is only human. After all, you are not called a ‘star’ for nothing." There have been many instances where the reel has lured the real. Former India captain Mohd Azharuddin left his wife Naureen and two kids to get married to actor Sangeeta Bijlani. Another former India captain Sourav Ganguly was linked to actor Nagma, and his marriage had been on the verge of collapsing, before better sense had prevailed. Even as the Shoaib Malik controversy was doing the rounds, another Pakistan player, Mohd Asif, found himself in the eye of a storm. Asif now faces a legal battle as an`A0ex-lover`A0has taken him to court after the two cheques he gave her to settle an outstanding money dispute, bounced. Nobody has forgotten the Tiger Woods saga, even as the ace golfer began an arduous comeback at the Augusta Masters. SECOND TO NONE: Mohammad Azharuddin divorced his earlier wife to marry Sangeeta Bijlani   English soccer player Ashley Cole’s marriage has always been rocked by one controversy or the other. And, of course, the John Terry vs Wayne Bridge controversy, wherein Terry had slept with Bridge’s ex-wife. The list is almost endless and names will crop up from every sport, every country and every social strata. But is that what our sportsmen are getting reduced to? Ace badminton player Saina Nehwal sheds some light on the picture, which seems to be getting darker. Saina, who has been busy with preparations for the Asian Badminton Championship, says, "Although I have not been able to follow much of what went on in the news, I have an idea and I really think that the entire thing was played up a little too much." So, who is at fault? The Pakistan cricketer who till the last moment never owned up to being married? The Indian tennis ace, who despite knowing the extreme reactions it would cause, decided to marry him? Or the media that has gone on and on with the campaign of trying to find a culprit? In a way, all are to blame and, at the same time, nobody. The truth is that Shoaib is not guilty of wanting to get married to Sania, but hiding the truth was where he went wrong. Whether he was fooled into this marriage by the girl is a question that can be answered only by them or their families. Sania, on the other hand, came out in Shoaib’s support and said her man was being framed, but it proved to be a hasty call as within a couple of days, the truth was all over the papers. And, last but not the least, the way the media handled the entire controversy, was like always, a case of ‘could have been done better’. But the media caters to us, the society. What it ultimately gives us is what we want. Celebrities are public figures, and that by default means that they rely heavily on public opinion to shoot up the ladder, or be shot down into oblivion. The media, being the watchdog, has to report matters and also look at various aspects. But there is a need for the watchdog to be 100 per cent sure, before it goes for the byte. As for our celebrities, well, they are human after all, but still, they shouldn’t preach what might land them in trouble if practised. As Rudyard Kipling once said, "Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind." Let’s hope that nobody gets too ‘high’-handed.

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