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Divorced from reality Smriti Kak talks to functionaries of the NCW and social activists about the Najma case
Fatal attraction of ‘crazy’ women
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On July 3, 2003, Sher Mohammad in an inebriated state said
talaq thrice to his wife Najma. Later, when he realised his mistake, the couple decided to continue living together. The village community, however, objected; threw out the husband from the village and ostracised the wife. The issue, which has raised a public outcry, remains unsolved even a year later.
Bibhuti Misra reports.
Miyan
bibi razi phir bhi taang adaaye kazi.
This twisted version of the well-known
saying Miyan bibi razi to kya karega kazi (If the man and woman
are willing then what is the role of the priest?) sums up the
unfortunate situation Najma and Sher Mohammad find themselves in
today. Sher Mohammad, who belongs to Nanga Mohalla village in Bhadrak
district of Orissa, had married Najma, the only daughter of Mumtaj and
Nasima Biwi of Kantabania village, in 1992. Sher Mohammad stayed at his
in-laws’ place after marriage as ghar jamai as Najma had no
other sibling. Life was going smoothly for them and Najma bore him four
children in 11 years. But on July 3, 2003, Sher Mohammad had a drunken
brawl with his wife and in an inebriated state shouted talaq thrice.
Later when the effect of liquor wore off, he realised his mistake and
with mutual consent, the couple continued to live together.
"Neither my mother nor I heard him shout talaq since we were inside
the house and it was not clear. But the villagers told me that he had
given me talaq and we couldn’t stay together. But my husband
said he was angry and drunk and he did not remember what he had
said," says a woebegone Najma The neighbours were not happy. They
had heard the man shout talaq and for them the marriage had come to an
end; hence they considered it immoral and illegal for the couple to stay
together. Led by the mohalla chief Bhallu Sardar, they roughed up
Sher Mohammad and drove him out of the village, much to the chagrin of
his wife. "We pleaded with them to solve the problem but Bhallu
told us that it could not be done immediately and might take even a
year," say both Najma and her mother. The two women were left
with no alternative but to approach a maulana of the nearby
Dhamnagar with the help of an NGO, Ashiana. After hearing the case, the
maulana ruled that the divorce was not valid, as talaq had been
uttered in an inebriated state. So the couple were back in Kantabania
village as husband and wife. That should have been the end of the
unfortunate case; but it was not. After a fortnight, Bhallu, this time
accompanied by a few ruffians, showed up again. Says Nasima Biwi,
"They abused us and forcibly took away our son-in-law, saying that
since talaq had taken place it was a sin for Sher and Najma to live
together." The community, represented by Chauda Mohalla Muslim
Jamaat got into the act, and moral policing started in right earnest.
Its president Shaikh Abdul Bari referred the matter to Mufti Shaikh
Qasim of Dhamnagar, who ruled that the talaq was valid. Meanwhile, the
issue was taken up by the National Commission for Women (NCW) and the
State Commission for Women (SCW) On November 6, 2003, an agreement was
signed in the presence of the Chairperson, SCW, and the Chauda Jamaat
was entrusted the responsibility of finding a solution for the problem.
But the Jamaat issued a four-point fatwa that decreed that the couple
could not live together as they were no longer man and wife. Sher was
debarred from entering the village. He could, however, send money to his
family through some emissary and he could meet his children only if his
parents brought them to him and later took them back to the mother. The
matter was taken to family court in Cuttack, which ruled that the couple
could live together. The villagers, however, were unrelenting. The NCW
sent a five-member inquiry team on May 21 to the village. The team tried
to reason with the people of the community that talaq uttered in a
drunken state was not valid, but the community stuck to its
position. But all this ‘outside’ interference only enraged the
Jamaat, which felt that such interference by outside agencies in matters
concerning Muslim Personal Law would not be tolerated. They took out a
silent procession in protest on June 3 The SP, Mahendra Pratap, tried
to solve the problem too but he was handed a nolle prosequi. The police,
which has registered cases against some persons, is wary of taking them
up as it fears that that might fuel communal tension. What is the way
out for Najma? Local Muslim leaders say that she could exercise the
option of halala, which means she has to marry another person who
would issue talaq to her; only then could she remarry her husband.
However Najma is unwilling to do this and, in desperation, she has
threatened to commit suicide if she is not allowed to stay with her
husband. "I will give poison to my children and take poison myself
if I am harassed further," she says. There was talk of referring
the matter to a third ‘mufti’ and seek his opinion. But Najma says
that it could be referred to Muslim organisations at the national level
but again bring varying opinions from different people. The matter
remains unsolved for almost a year now. Ostracised from the village and
not allowed to draw water from the village well, Najma is losing all
hope. "My husband wants to live with us and take care of the family
but is not allowed to. Our sufferings have been increasing every
day," she laments, desperation showing on her face. Tapasi Praharaj
of the All-India Democratic Women’s Association has got a hand-pump
installed in her house to help the family tide over the water problem.
The Red Cross has given them Rs 1000 and even her husband had sent Rs
500 through an emissary. The family is blessed with love and tenderness
but the community is bent on fanning hatred and ripping the unit apart.
Abdul Bari, a key player of the Jamaat, does not agree that the
community is playing a villainous role. "All the outside
interference has complicated the matter. In religious matters,
interference is highly undesirable. It hurts our religious sentiments.
Nafisa Hussain, who was in the NCW team, said that she had read Muslim
Law; but I doubt it. We will sort it out according to our edicts. We are
not interested in making it a law and order problem." But till now
nobody has a clue as to how the problem should be sorted out. And what
about Sher Mohammad whose drunken indiscretion resulted in a nightmare
for him and his family? He is under tremendous pressure and is scared
after being ‘punished’ by the villagers for living in ‘sin’ with
his wife after talaq. He lives in his own village and tries to help his
children by sending whatever he earns from doing odd jobs. But his wife
is all sympathy for him: "He wants to be with us. I can understand
his agony." |
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Smriti Kak
talks to functionaries of the NCW and social activists about the Najma case
With
religion as its alibi, the stoic clergy has refused to accept reasoning.
So Sher and his wife Najma are now knocking on the portals of justice
seeking the restoration of their conjugal rights. "The conditions
under which Sher divorced his wife are not valid. Islam does not permit
this. There is no evidence of a divorce being legal under such
circumstances", says Nafisa Hussain, Member, National Commission
for Women (NCW). Hussain adds, "The wife and her family are ready
to live with Sher, he himself has admitted that he wants to stay with
his wife, they have the fatwa to the effect, yet some members of
the society have created a furore". So what gives the Chauda Mohalla
Muslim Jamaat under the leadership of Abdul Bari, who is neither a
religious leader nor a witness to the so-called talaq, the right
to deny Najma and Sher their right to live together? "There are
two points of view. One view says that divorce even if under the
influence of liquor is valid while the other does not recognise it. It
is a difference of opinion" explains S.Q.R. Illyasi, spokesperson
of the Muslim Personal Law Board.
Though he is reluctant to takes sides, he adds: "We are hopeful that we will resolve the issue in the working committee meeting on July 4." Bari, who claims to be working for what "is best for the community," dismisses the issue of talaq, as merely between an issue between a husband and wife, instead it is, he says, "an issue between two groups". "This is barbaric. Insufferable, how can the clergy in the name of religion take decisions, which are inimical to basic human rights?" questions Brinda Karat of the All-India Democratic Women's Association (AIDWA). Enraged with the religious groups denying women their human rights, she says: "We have been constantly asking the Muslim Personal Law Board to issue a statement allowing Najma and her husband to live as man and wife. They have been conspicuously quiet." Questioning their role, Karat asks, "it is terrible that they are reluctant to listen to voices of reason within their own community. If they do not listen to reason then what do they listen to? What section of the community do they cater to and on what basis do they claim to represent the entire community?" There are more such questions. "The Muslim Personal Law Board has to agree that under the influence of alcohol nothing in Islam is valid, not even a good deed. Why should they therefore not take immediate steps to validate Najma's stand? They are already behind time in preparing a more reasonable and effective nikahnama. There is a clear bias towards women and it shows", said a noted academician. While both the NCW and the AIDWA have taken up the issue and have agreed to meet the cost of litigation, the organisations are more concerned about the bias towards women, which is being perpetrated under the guise of religious law. "It is time for some serious introspection. The case is one of total insensitivity, false sense of morality and lack of basic honesty. The double standards will just have to go," says actor and social activist Nandita Das. And while society is led to rethink, Poornima Advani, Chairperson of the NCW, is waiting for the Supreme Court to give "direction and decision". Referring to the Najma case as a "landmark," she says, "It is a case that highlights the violation of the human rights of a woman. We are going to approach the Supreme Court and seek a judgement that re-institutes rights of a woman." Advani sums up by saying, "There is an urgent need to
re-look the codes of the Muslim Personal Laws Board. How can a woman be
forced to marry another man when she chooses to stay with her
husband?" |
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Fatal attraction of ‘crazy’ women Passionate, fiery and wild in bed.... She may sound like the dream date, but for the men attracted to ‘crazy’ women, the reality can be more bombshell than blonde, says Charlotte Williamson So how does the Betty Blue get away
with it? Two ways: good looks and the promise of wild sex. The looks
are self-explanatory - although in combination with the craziness,
they are more alluring still, essentially because traditionally, crazy
women are not sexually inhibited. It goes with the
territory. William, a thirtysomething marketing executive, met Lizzie
at a mutual friend’s party, and it was wild from the start. `There
was an immediate chemistry between us. She told me I was cute and
asked me to go with her to the bathroom,’ he recalls. `We kissed and
fooled around but she was looking for sex and I was not in the mood.
But I liked being pursued. And me not wanting to have sex intrigued
her, and made her want to see me again.’ Which she did - in fact
William and Lizzie dated for more than a year. Pretty soon, though,
Lizzie’s volatile tendencies started troubling William as much as
they excited him. `She would fly off the handle at the strangest
things. It was as if she enjoyed the confrontations and wanted to live
out her Taylor-Burton fantasies. She liked nothing more than getting
me to raise my voice, which is not in my nature.’ Indeed, it appears
that a certain type of passive, paternal man is particularly attracted
to the Betty Blue. Michael, a 29-year-old city lawyer, shares a
similar easy-going temperament with William. Unsurprising, then, that
he ended up with card-carrying Betty Blue disciple, Zoe. `We met
through a mutual friend who warned me she had a track record, but to
be honest that was part of the appeal. The fact that she was a real
looker helped.’ They went clubbing on their first date. `We ended up
having sex on the stairs of a church at dawn. I was pleased I’d had
the guts to do that.’ A lot of the appeal of the Betty Blue for the
more placid male is that she encourages him to live closer to the edge
than he would otherwise. Michael and Zoe lived three hours apart,
which initially suited him fine. We’d go two weeks without seeing
each other and then spend two days in bed,’ he recalls. And then Zoe
started phoning at all hours. `She would call me late at night, crying
and saying she was missing me terribly. This was after our third date.
As time went on it became seriously annoying.’ Although, when
pushed, Michael admits he was flattered at the same time. `Any guy who’s
got a beautiful woman in tears on the phone 200 miles away will feel a
bit like God’s gift.’ At the heart of the allure of the Betty
Blue, of course, is the belief that she’s been driven crazy with
love for you, her man. Most men seem curiously vulnerable to the idea
that they’re so attractive, intellectually irresistible and
accomplished in bed, they can actually unbalance their lovers
emotionally. They’re almost certainly wrong, however. `The
background of the woman is more usually some sort of trigger,’ notes
Boynton. "Her parents may have had an unstable relationship, or
she may have learnt as a child that tantrums are how to get her own
way.’ Add to that the dichotomy of knowing that her looks and her
very craziness attract men and simultaneously hating herself for being
admired for both - well, no wonder she’s a little unhinged. When
things got a little too wild for him, William probed into Lizzie’s
background. `Her parents had an acrimonious divorce, but there was
damage from other stuff, too.’ So how did he end it? Was he worried
that his `psycho’ girlfriend would retaliate? `Yes, so I started
seeing less of her. She was needy at first, but realised it wasn’t
right for her, either. She craves a man to match her fight for
fight. I couldn’t.’ More tellingly yet, once Lizzie understood it
was over, and that William wasn’t just giving her the opportunity to
be crazier yet in the interest of an explosive reunion, she got over
him quickly. `Which was as annoying as it was a relief,’ he
admits. Inherent in a relationship with a Betty Blue is a ready-made
justification for ending things. As an added bonus, it’s always her
fault. Boynton points out, `a relationship is never one-sided. The man
should ask himself why he’s in it in the first place. He may well be
getting kicks out of his partner being neurotic and unreasonable. Does
he like feeling powerful? Does he like being a protector?’ And
ultimately, of course, the Betty Blue is a sexist creation. After all,
if a man does a bit of shouting, demanding and stomping around, he’s
admired for being fiery, passionate and Heathcliffian. The words
`psycho’, `crazy’ and `mad’ hardly ever crop up. — The
Guardian |
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CONTRARY to
popular belief, women don’t hold the monopoly on constantly falling
for the same type of bad lover. Men make repeat mistakes, too, and
overwhelmingly they make them over the original prototype on bad
girlfriend: the Betty Blue. Influenced by Beatrice Dalle’s defining
cinematic moment, and wielding a PhD in mind play, the Betty Blue can
be identified by the unhinged, wild-eyed look in her lovely eyes, and
her tendencies to scream her lungs out, hurl blunt objects around, and
turn up on the doorstep demanding exhausting and imaginative sex. At 4
am. "Sane men love crazy girls for the same reason Adam bit into
the apple we want what we should not have," says Ashkan
Karbasfrooshan, founder of male relationship website AskMen.com. `Men
think that crazy girls will go to greater lengths to make us happy.
Sad, but true.’ Sex psychologist Dr Petra Boynton agrees. `From an
early age men are taught that this sort of pouting, petulant woman is
sexy and a trophy girlfriend.
I