A home that is a haven for no-way children

Inderdeep Thapar reports on the Guru Aasra Trust, a shelter for children of terrorists, which has given hope to those rejected by both family and society.

The Guru Aasra Trust: An orphanage with a difference

About 105 girls have been lodged in a kanal house in Mohali. Some are toppers in their respective schools, some are national-level players, some have won first prizes in music competitions at the state level. It is not laurels which distinguish this orphanage but the stigma, since these girls were born to those militants involved in terrorism in Punjab who were subsequently killed in encounters with the police. The Guru Aasra Trust, as it is called, is true to its name and exists on the Almighty’s blessings. These children are nobody’s, neither the government nor the families to whom they belong. The community too is not willing to own them up.

After 1984, many youngsters took up arms and were killed. Those who were married in and around the above mentioned year left behind young widows and infants who were spurned by their in-laws and left to fate’s mercy. Guru Aasra Trust thus is different from other orphanages. It houses not only those girls whose both mothers are still alive but unable to fend for their children.

Kulbir Kaur Dhami who runs this trust, is the wife of a proclaimed offender and has undergone imprisonment for nearly three and a half years for taking part in anti-government activities. “It’s been many years. I was sharing a room with a friend whose husband lost his life in an encounter with the police. Later on, she too disappeared under mysterious circumstances. They left behind a three-and-a-half-year-old son whom the maternal grandparents refused to accept. Eventually, he was adopted by his paternal uncle but the idea of Guru Asraa Trust was born that day. After coming out from prison I started this orphanage in 1997.

Though not much educated herself, Kulbir Kaur understands the value of education. All the girls go to school and good ones at that. Her emphasis is on vocational training. “My effort is that these girls should be able to support themselves”. Hence, computers, dress designing and other courses in the polytechnic institutions are pursued by these girls. “I want to send them into nursing as well but I do no have the required funds.”

Kulbir Kaur’s lot is not easy. The little help that they get from abroad or even SGPC is inadequate. There is no help from the government. “When I opened this orphanage, politicians of all hues came but after that nobody turned up. So much so that our plea to PUDA to allot land to the orphanage fell on deaf ears. They allotted land to an orphanage from Delhi but not to the only one existing orphanage of Mohali. What to expect form the government? Any anti-government activity that occurs anywhere, the police swoops down here and as a result the local donations dwindle. Some of these girls were sent by me to Canada as a part of dhadi jatha but the government has been refusing to give visa for the last two years.”

Kulbir Kaur’s work does not end with education but she marries them as well. Thirteen girls have been decently married off but here too, the society is not kind. The stigma of being a terrorist’s child makes many a groom run. “No, the society or let us say community has not been supportive. Why can’t they be treated as other orphans? In fact, the children whose mothers are alive would be much happier staying with them if only somebody would pay for their expense.”

I look around at the sensitive faces. I look at more than fifty trophies won by these children in various activities. I look at the cramped but neat rooms. On my way back I observe the grand temples of different faiths with marble floorings and gold and I silently muse at the inequalities of life. Here are few children spurned by all, their grandparents, their community, government and a struggling woman trying to give a new life to them and who is apprehensive, “What will happen if something happens to me.”

Guess who’s coming to dinner

This might sound like a simple invitation from one person to another but when it is a single woman inviting a man out on a date, it acquires a different connotation, writes Vimla Patil

Priya Mehta, a freelance writer for several papers and fashion magazines, is a stylist for fashion shoots and looks like a model herself. With a bindaas attitude towards life, in her thirties is the mother of a five-year-old son. “Two years ago, I got divorced from my photographer husband,” she says, “I live alone with my son and a bai who looks after him when I am at work. The salaries in media have increased so much in the last five years that I am able to manage my home and my child’s expenses. I was too proud to take an ‘allowance’ from my husband. I have no steady man in my life, instead of being lonely and sad, I decided to take the initiative in my hands and called my men friends out on dates to create my own social life. I ring up men I like and invite them for a drink, dinner or a show. I have found that men are delighted that women are free enough today to express their admiration and liking for a man. They accept my invitations and are often gallant enough to pick up the tab for the evening. But I am prepared to pay bill at all times when I invite a man out.”

Priya is no longer an exception. Successful women with lucrative jobs feel it is no longer the prerogative of men to invite women on dates. They feel that they too can play hosts to men they like. Archana, who is a bank manager, has not found a suitable man whom she would like to marry. “My parents looked around among friends and relatives and failed to identify a man I could marry. I have not yet fallen in love with anyone. I have been educated in the US and have a degree in management from Harvard University. I find the prospect of matrimony scary. I am in control of my life — and marriage may, I think, take away my freedom to work at my career. I have a company house, car and household staff. I can travel to holiday destinations anytime I want. I work hard and party hard. There is no place for household responsibilities in my life. I am not ready for a permanent commitment. However, I confess that I am enchanted by some men whom I meet. I find men are sensitive, caring people and can be fun company. So I invite them to enjoy an evening with me. Sometimes, we form a group of women and invite a group of men to go out of dinner or for a movie.”

Do men misunderstand this initiative? “Sometimes they do,” says Anjali, a garment manufacturer who is a divorcee. “Men in our circle know that we earn high incomes and can afford to host them at any glamorous or pricey place. There are, some men whose macho attitude lies dormant at the bottom of their hearts. When they are out with women, they think that the invitation includes a physical relationship. This is not so though some women can choose to have such a relationship by their own choice

Usually, such invitations are just for pleasant company and time well spent. Men and women today share interests in films, theatre, good food or simply good conversation. Well-informed men and women can spend time together very productively. They can share career information too. Most women do not like their guests to presume that sex is included in the outing. But speaking for myself, I take care to see that the man I invite knows beforehand that sex cannot be part of this invitation. It is a symbolic of the fact that I respect him, admire him and find him charming enough to spend an evening or lunchtime with him. I convey to him by unspoken signals that the invitation is based on mutual trust. In spite of this, there are men who come on too strongly on the ‘date’ because they misunderstand the very concept of ‘dating’ when it is initiated by a woman. I think as time passes, men will understand that women are not always looking for sex whomsoever they meet. There are many other things men and women can share without even a shred of sexual interest.’

In cities like Mumbai and Delhi, where women occupy high positions in the corporate sector or industry, it is normal for everyone to work late. After a hard day’s work, men and women go out for dinner to de-stress. When there are no responsibilities towards their home — wives or husbands and children — this trend is perfectly acceptable. Only when the man or woman is married but is looking for relief from the monotony of his/her home life or when he/she finds his own spouse working late and dining or going out with his/her colleagues, does it spell trouble. To quote Priya, “The fact that I’m trendy attracts men. Many men whom I invite try to steer the conversation towards physical relationships. Few however, force such relationships. I think women have to be choosy and set terms. By and large, they understand that the new trend is nothing but an expression of friendship — an act of sharing in this new age — when both men and women work hard to carve out their careers and are ambitious enough to delay their marriages to achieve their goals. The trend shows that while such men and women do not want the responsibility of marital commitments, they are enchanted by each other’s looks, personality, ambition, knowledge and friendliness enough to want to build relationships based on respect, sharing and rare sense of equality which is the kernel our enjoyment.”

For parents who pamper
Jai Raj Kajla

“Papa why can’t we have a new Honda City car in place of our old Zen?” My ten-year-old son would never feel tired of repeating day in and day out. At other times, it would be, “Papa when are we going abroad for a holiday, you know, my friend had gone to Canada last month,” or “Papa, I need a pair of Nike shoes and trousers for my sports coaching.”

Such questions, I am sure, are nagging every parent of growing children. This, indeed, is a pointer to the way the children are choosing their lifestyles and how parenting has become a tougher job than ever before.

One wonders how they can make such expensive demands. In my view, there are broadly two reasons for this trend. One is the effect of media and the peer groups, and the other one is the “overdoing” or lavishing excessive love in the form of goods by the parents. As regards the media and peer pressure, there is a little scope to avoid or control as these external or environmental factors. In fact, putting controls on these can prove counter productive. It is the second reason — “overdoing” — that runs the greater risk of spoiling the kids. Overdoing, in the context of parenting, means doing much more than that is required. The parents are easily succumbing to the children’s tantrums, in the process, they create stress and anxiety for themselves.

Indeed, new age parenting has become synonymous with pampering and the dividing line between the two is getting blurred day by day. Why do we, the parents, fall prey to the “overdoing syndrome”? More often than not, this syndrome stems from the parent’s tendency to burden the kids with their own unrealised ambitions. As a result, they go overboard to keep the children in good humour, even if it means yielding to their unreasonable demands. Obviously, the nuclear families are more susceptible to such appeasement.

No less responsible is the self-imposed sense of guilt among the working couples for not being able to spend time with the children during the day hours. To overcome this guilt, they take the easy option of compensating the kids by overspending ! And, modern day kids know this weakness of their parents only too well. Most parents — and I am no exception — rue how their kids are blase to the value of the hard-earned money. But frankly, parents are equally to be blamed. Smitten by the consumer culture, they themselves are in a splurge-and-show-off race — a culture so pronounced in a status-conscious, hierarchy-minded urban class.

Most parents of my ilk find themselves at their wit’s end, not knowing where and how to draw the line between parenting and pampering. The panacea, I have come to believe, lies in resurrecting the essence of the time-tested Indian values, instead of chasing the chimera of pseudo-modernity. Children today are very quick to learn anything, be it values or pseudo-modernity. More than the kids, therefore, it is the parents who need to mend themselves. Only such a course correction will take away the self-inflicted pangs of parenting and make it what it is ought to be — an enjoyable experience.

Peak of success
Ambika Sharma

It was a dream come true for 22-year-old Palaka Sahni. She no only cleared the civil services in her first attempt but also secured an impressive 16th position. A resident of Solan, Palaka had decided to join the civil services when she was 16.

Describing her success as a combination of affirmative stance, positive thinking and luck, Palaka has been a topper from her school days. After passing out from St. Luke’s Convent School at Solan, she joined MCM DAV college at Chandigarh to pursue her graduation in computer sciences. Here too Palaka won a gold medal for securing the top slot in Panjab University. She participated in a quiz contest, Kudratnama, aired by ZEE TV some time back. Making optimum use of time, Palaka was always surrounded by reading material, be it a newspaper or a current affairs magazine, recalls her mother Neelam, who is employed in the state electricity board. Reading helped her tremendously towards preparation of the general studies paper.

Her father, Mahinder Sahni, runs a confectionary store at Solan. He was all praise for his daughter. He wondered how she concentrated on her studies while viewing television alongside. Her elder brother, Himanshu, an MBA from Himachal Pradesh University, says the family was confident of her success. Despite her science background, Palak opted for public administration and psychology.

Relying exclusively on her own judgment and career planning, Palaka enrolled herself in a coaching institute in Delhi and stayed there for a year. She said since she was the only candidate from Himachal to have cleared the civil services, she was optimistic of getting in the Himachal cadre. It would be satisfying to serve one’s state, she added.

Making waves
Ambassador for happiness

Julie Andrews, star of the all-time favourite, Sound of Music and the 1964 Disney classic, Mary Poppins, has been named as the honorary ambassador of “The Happiest Celebration on Earth.” The actor who spreads cheer and exudes exuberance is a befitting choice for the 18-month event that began early this month. She announced plans for Dineyland’s upcoming 50th anniversary, the reason for this extended celebration, would include opening of Disney’s 11th park in Honkong next year.

Banker’s cheque

When HSBC decided to expand its investment-banking presence in India, it needed someone to lead the charge. Not surprisingly, it chose Naina Lal Kidwai. Vice-Chairman and Managing Director HSBC Securities and Capital Markets India Pvt Ltd, Naina has been named as the Deputy CEO of the bank. For the first time in the country the bank will have both a Deputy CEO and COO.

The first Indian woman to graduate from Harvard Business School, in 1982, Kidwai, 45, has established herself as one of India’s best bankers, a shrewd negotiator with a talent for anticipating new sectors of growth. Kidwai made her name at Morgan Stanley, which she joined in 1994 after a stint at ANZ Grindlay’s Bank. At the time, Morgan’s operations in India were relatively small. She engineered a joint venture with investment bank JM Financials, making the resulting firm one of the largest in that industry in India. She also aggressively pursued opportunities in technology, nabbing the accounts of Wipro and Infosys, among others, and brokered a joint venture between AT&T and two conglomerates, owned by the Birla and Tata families, to create a telecom company offering cellular service throughout India.

She has no plans to leave India and says “In the U.S., I may have brokered bigger deals, here, it’s much more at the cutting edge of reform, the ability to influence, to shape.”