Social monitor
Encounter with a split wide open
Aruti Nayar

ANU was reared to be independent, aggressive and with the savvy to hold her own under any circumstances. Her parents took pride in the fact that their daughter was very much her own person who could give back as good as she got and would never be a walkover in any situation. Had they not seen to it that her confidence zoomed and self-esteem was rock solid? The best of education, no scrimping on letting her bloom, travel and take up a job straight after her heart. The moment she got married, the expectations were diametrically opposite. She was expected to be as tame and pliable as a sheep, not to answer back either her husband or her in-laws and perform her role as a dutiful daughter-in-law and compliant wife to the hilt. Hers was not to reason why. The fact that at work the set of skills required were more in tune with the way she had been reared was immaterial. To make her relationships work, she was expected to metamorphose into a woman who would adapt and change, in short be the sort of girl she was not. Many young girls are facing a similar dilemma. The skills required at the workplace: Initiative, enterprise and an ability to put forward your viewpoint as well as opinions in a forceful manner, dynamism and individuality.

Skills required at home: An ability to mould and adjust (that much-used word) to temper tantrums, unrealistic demands and fragile egos. Prepared to shoulder most of the responsibilities and duties as a daughter-in-law and woe betide all thoughts of asking for her space in the sun or a slice of a life all her own. The great Indian family does not permit her to strike out on her own. No solos, she must join the choir and never be a conductor. All disharmonious notes can mar the music of her life for a long while.

What does a girl do to bridge this yawning gap? Does she don a sparkling persona at work and as soon as she comes home, like a quick-change artiste, transform into a dumb doll without a voice of her own, much less views and opinions. Should she, in the interest of domestic harmony, keep all thoughts of asserting herself or even voicing her dreams and desires on the backburner? Some who do this shifting-of-personas act complain of the stress that this causes. Says Vandana Gautam (name changed) "On the face of it so much has changed, but if you ask me nothing really has. The parental expectations and child-rearing practices have become more open and informed but when it comes to the same from the wife and daughter-in-law, it is as if time has stood still. I feel I am constantly on trial and let me tell you it is quite an unpleasnt feeling". Another executive with a multinational, Benu gives vent to her state of mind, "I have learnt to shake my head and keep quiet. It is a different thing that I do exactly what I want. Only now I do not announce my rebellious thoughts from the rooftops, the way I did earlier. So what if I have become a hypocrite in the process. Unless my family is willing to give me love and respect without trying to box in my personality, I have to continue to playact."

Another corporate lawyer, required to travel 15 days a month, says nobody minds the hefty pay package and the perks but when it comes to "Letting be myself, it is expecting too much. I have become adept at warding off ocassions that require me to put in an act as the paragon of all virtues. I have also learnt not to retort the way I used to when someone rubbed me up the wrong way. My in-laws say that despite being a lawyer, I am so submissive. If one carries on without thinking it is fine but the moment I start reflecting it is as if I am leading two lives, very different from each other."

Perhaps it will take a while before we acknowledge that all that is required for success at work need not be at variance with the set of attributes needed to run a home and forge bonds with those we love. If relationships are going to tick only when we try and change ourselves or the basis is going to be the negation of traits that are an integral part of our personalities, it does not speak much for such relationships. In trying to mould or change a girl to fit into preconceived notions of what an ideal nurturer should be, we often destroy her. Here acceptance is the key word. Why should we not love and celebrate a woman’s success and take joy in her achievement? Give her unconditional approval and unquestioning support and watch love and laughter fill your lives.

Parent perfect
The age of metamorphoses
Inderdeep Thapar

LOOK carefully at your little larvae when teen sets in for the crawling, clinging creature is about to sport coloured wings and sail on independent currents. The parents’ pallu is no longer a support. It is rather a hindrance and they are no longer creatures to be worshipped rather to be observed critically. The world is suddenly a very attractive place for there are interesting friends, curiosity in the opposite sex and there are different role models to be aped. There is a lot of zeal for adventure and enthusiasm to try out the new. In short, the adrenalin is high and the world is their oyster. And what about the parent? Is he at sea with this new bubbling creature unable to relate to or is he his friend? Does the fear of drugs and AIDS haunt the parent resulting in sleepless night or does he take adequate steps to make the sprouting adult aware about the thrills and dangers when he or she is on the threshhold of youth?

An intelligent parent who faces no problem in adolescence is the one who began communication with the child in infancy itself. Starting with rhymes, then reading short stories and then letting the child lead to the parent is the time when bonds strengthen. Reading is one instance but it actually connotes whole lot of those activities which make the family a strong unit. Take the instance of drugs. An advertisement on the television about the drugs or a particular scene from a serial in which a drug addiet is portrayed can be read up by the parent and evils of drugs discussed. This can be done even though the child might be six or seven years old. The message sent at this time though discussed in a casual manner will stick through in adolescence. Renee Singh, a counsellor as well as a mother of a teenager clarifies, "Children at this age have to treated like friends. They have to be given a feeling of self-respect. My child should be comfortable enough to confide in me and feel that she will not be judged for her actions. At the same time it does not mean that she gets a free licence to do anything if the parent is accessible, rather the communication is both ways. She should also know where the parent is likely to be hurt and thus trudge safely."

Communication is not limited to conversation only. The parent is not the only one who is observing but he is being observed and as the child grows older, the action is being critically examined. A drunkard father is in no position to admonish his son for drinking too much. Likewise, a parent who is herself not clear about morality should not expect very high standards from her children. In all cases, the grain is sown in childhood and the flower blossoms in teens. Healthy signals are sent to the children if the parents are compatible, if not the stress might lead to a wrong peer group.

An interest in the oppositesex is natural at this stage as is sexual awareness. However, most parents shirk from opening up of a conversation which is the most enigmatic for the budding adult. Since it is the most natural thing around, the curious adult turns to other sources for information. Sonali, a counsellor explains. "Sex being a taboo, the adolescent perforce seeks information from other quarters, which sometimes might be spurious, although it is always better that sex should be talked about in a healthy way, say from mother to daughter and father to son. If it is still a hitch, one can always give to the child some informative, scientific book to read and then discuss If the parent is unable to do that too, it is always better to take the child to a counsellor".

As far as friends are concerned sometimes, it may happen that the parent might not be aware as to which peer group the child is moving. One fine day, the parent gets to hear of the child indulging in bloody fights and getting injured, or suddenly the child is high on drugs. The parent of a teenager has to be vigilant. The friends of the children, whether of the same or opposite sex, should be invited home and made a part of the family activities and it is always better if the parents know each other. Jyoti, a mother of two explains," Sometimes, a particular hairstyle or a way of dressing might not find favour with our conversatism but if one observes the friends too following the same pattern, one does not panic knowing it is a passing phase. In fact, I feel communication with the children increases if their friends too are drawn into the picture. A consensus is always helpful, say like setting the timings for the children in the evenings, or studies."

So, the key that holds the pendulum from swinging overboard is to go as near to the child as possible. Understand him or her, empathise in his or her dejections and rejections, develop common interests in short, become their friends as well as their anchors and convey the message, "I am there for you". The bonds deepen or slacken at this stage, depending upon your tactful handling. If ploughed carefully, the parent knows he has earned a rich harvest for lifetime.

Women on top
Going Dutch was never so good
Geetanjali Gayatri

IN Chandigarh recently for the release of Ambar, a magazine of Punjabi-Dutch writers and artists, Poland-born Grazyna Przybyl is all praise for the love and warmth of Indians. For her, art is religion and spiritualism her chosen path. Says she: "India is like home for me, I just have to come back to India to rejuvenate my spirit. There are no two ways about that," she contends.

Grazyna’s mission is to create a mini-India in Ruigoord, an artists' village nearly 10 km from Amsterdam by displaying works of art by Indians. She owns an art gallery in the village. "While we have paintings of a number of artists on display, India is conspicuous by its absence." She wants to "display works of famous Indian artists in my gallery, a dream which I have realised on this fifth trip to India." She has met a number of artists in Mumbai and visited the popular art galleries of India. "I was bowled over by the Jehangir Art gallery in Mumbai. There I met some Indian artists who agreed to send their works. On this trip to India I have gained in more ways that one.

Unable to communicate with the Dutch on account of language problem when she first set foot in Amsterdam, Punjabi writer Amar Jyoti is now a name to reckon with in Holland. The moving force behind Ambar, a quarterly magazine showcasing articles and poetry by Punjabi and Dutch writers, she says this is only the beginning. "I reached Holland in 1982 and was surprised to find the Dutch know very little about India and its writers. Punjabi writers were unheard of. The only Indian-Punjabi writer the Dutch knew of was Khushwant Singh. After meeting a few like-minded writers, I took on myself the task of popularising the literature of the two. That's how Ambar was conceived," she says. A mother of two, Amar Jyoti runs an Indian restaurant in the heart of Amsterdam. She was awarded the Shiromani Sahityakar Award in 2000.

Ruing the fact that Indian writers, especially those of regional languages, do not get their due outside the country, Amar Jyoti feels translating quality works into English would prove a boon for the writers who are struggling for recognition in the world market.

Photos by Manoj Mahajan

I feel strongly ...
Beauty of the mind
Swarleen Kaur

THERE is something inherently beautiful in every women. Perhaps the body symmetry or the tender feelings of a woman lend her that touch of grace. Beautiful women are much sought after and admired and have a head start in every sphere. Beauty fetches a high return. Whether looking for a husband or a job, a beautiful woman will have an edge.

Beauty has that potent and real effect of spreading happiness and grace. To look great and spread that goodness of beauty is appreciable. That is why the search for beauty remedies. The desire for the creative metamorphsis is quite human. This desire sometimes reaches crazy extremes. Middle class women do not mind frittering away their hard-earned money, spending lakhs on liposuction and silicone implants. Plastic surgeries for nose and correction of other facial features in big cities are common.

In the pursuit of outer adornment, precious money and energy is wasted in cosmetic exercises which acquire silly proportions.Amid this chase,a small whispering voice of the heart to be beautiful from inside is lost.

The parameters of physical beauty change with times, while the concept of inner beauty is eternal.We lose weight,whiten the skin and do yoga and aerobics. But what about trying to become beautiful from inside? Do we attempt to be more loving,forgiving.Do we make a sincere effort to develop a loving and sharing attitude towars the people we meet.Perhaps not as much as we can. I wonder how many of us try to see through our mindgames and ego hassles.

The happiness given by a physical beauty is confined to a superficial level.While the happiness imparted by a beautiful and loving heart touches the deepermost core and becomes a source of "joy for ever"

The joys of a cosmetic beauty are numbered while the wonders of an inner beauty unfetters a realm of unexplored joy. No doubt, make up enhances the features of the face but a face bereft of any positive emotion is a serious letdown. Cosmetics enhance the features of the face but a face bereft of any positive emotion is a serious letdown.

The popularity of the TV serial Jassi Jaisi Koi Nahi hints at a change in perception. A simple and bespectacled Jassi with her helpful attitude and innocent smile wins many a heart.While another character,Pari who spends all her income on make-up and has no money even to pay her bills, invites jeers.

There is no doubt that women invest a lot in terms of money and energy to polish their looks. Creative activities like reading and painting are put last on the list of priorities.

I feel that we women are missing a big point.Most of us fail to realise that a womens tenderness is more heightened by a loving heart than tendrils of streaked hair. A smile coming from a warm heart and eyes brimming with compassion radiate that feminine beauty which sets a heart aflame.

A mind alive to feelings of others enchants a soul, while soothing words and genuine compassion can win hearts over.

Spice of life

AN all-woman spice making factory in Chennai has registered profits for the twelfth year in a row. Defying tradition, more than 5,000 village women work in Red Ruby Foods Private Ltd, the factory started by a Sri Lankan businessman Joey Iruthayaraja in 1992.

The company packs spices including red chillies, black pepper and cardamom and also holds a world record for optimising production. Women who work here belong to poor families and the factory, they say, has given them a new lease of life.

"Basically we come from a very poor background. Over here I have learnt a lot and there has been a step by step improvement in my work. I had joined as a worker but I have become a manager now," said Lata, a worker. Iruthayaraja said the services of women were preferred over that of men for better productivity.

"They (the women) are doing everything here. From loading the container, receiving the goods, each and every machine, they are the operators. They have also learnt everything, even how to prepare masalas (spices)," he said.Iruthayaraja has also started self-defence training programme for the women to provide them more incentives. Red Ruby is not the only company that has understood the advantages of having women employees. Seventy per cent of the companies located in the city have followed suit.

Nearly 15,000 women are working in post offices, as drivers, courier employees in a country where the sex ratio is biased against women. Women literacy levels are below the half-way mark in the provinces, and despite the constitutional protection, a large chunk of the female population remains illiterate and oppressed. (ANI)