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| HER WORLD | Sunday, July 20, 2003, Chandigarh, India |
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Laugh
away your blues Parent perfect Social monitor Remembering
Kabul with horror |
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Laugh away your blues
Today, there are several psychiatrists and psychologists in Delhi who use humour and laughter to address or treat depression, especially among women. There are many factors which make women vulnerable to depression — the stress women accumulate in fulfilling all the roles expected of them, domestic violence, gender discrimination, loneliness and the lack of a social support system. "And with the increase of stress in our daily lives, depression is fast assuming epidemic proportions," adds Sharma. According to Sharma, only 10 per cent of all depression cases require medication. In most cases, curbing stress can reduce depression. While better time management, breathing exercises and muscle relaxation techniques contribute to stress reduction, humour also comes in very handy. "Humour is a self-sustaining antidote for depression and related problems," says Sanjay Chugh, a Delhi-based psychologist. He cites the example of 21-year-old Anjali Rai, who was a complete wreck when she came to him. She stammered and appeared constantly anxious, and she felt she was a social embarrassment. She interacted only with her parents and the domestic help. After a few sessions, doctors figured her depression was related to her unhappy childhood experiences. They discontinued the drugs she was taking, and started adding plain and simple humour in her life. "The day she learnt to laugh at her bad experiences, she was on her way to recovery," shares Chugh. Rai would go on the net to look for humorous one-liners to quip when someone commented on her stammering or when she felt anxiety-ridden among people. The first time she used the one-liners she found people laughing with her, instead of at her. She gained confidence gradually and started communicating with people more easily. "Laughter releases hormones and chemicals in the body and brain, which are anti-depressants. Also, when one laughs all inhibitions are overcome for that moment. And it is a perfect vent for blocked negative emotions," explains Manju Mehta, clinical psychiatrist at Delhi’s premier medical institution, All India Institute of Medical Sciences (AIIMS). "Humour used in conjunction with lifestyle changes, eating better and improved social connectivity works wonders. Faulty cognition and metabolic changes occurring as a result of depression should also be treated side by side," she adds. According to Chugh, humour plays a vital role in distracting people from their misery. "A humorous activity breaks the chain of events that have contributed to depression. It lets you step away from distressing thoughts, be detached and look at your problems objectively. When you find humour in trying times, you suddenly see perplexing problems in a new way or a new angle, which sometimes provides solutions," he adds. But aren’t depressed patients too preoccupied or miserable to enjoy a joke or have some fun? Doctors say it is important to make a connection first. Instead of talking about treatment, they talk about life in general. Sharma says family and friends are involved in this effort and first the person is made to smile. "I once asked a patient, Sunita Verma, to look in the mirror for five minutes everyday and laugh before going to work. She was a corporate executive who hated working but had to because of family circumstances," says Sharma. Verma felt rather awkward for seven days, especially during the mornings when she looked at herself in the mirror and laughed. But slowly, she started enjoying the exercise, and then occasionally, she would crack jokes on herself and laugh in a group. She even joined a dance class to help her unwind. In working towards positive results with her patients, Mehta doesn’t use humour alone, she also helps them to look at their problems in new ways. However, humour has to become an integral part of an individual’s life for depression to be kept at bay. "You can’t use it just once in a while and say, ‘Well, I did laugh last year’," says Sharma. (WFS) (Names of patients have been changed to
protect their identity) |
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Parent perfect
MANY mothers are waking up to the fact that by neglecting their children they may be inflicting permanent harm on their psyche. A young mother, Naina, gave up her job because it demanded long hours from her. Her decision surprised many because she was due for a promotion. But so firm was her resolve to look after the children that she did not let her go back on her decision. Naina said, "I heard my children talk to each other about how their friend's mother accompanied him to the park everyday. They could, in fact, count the days on which they found me at home and could even recollect the fun and masti they had with me. I felt my children were starved for love, thus this decision." Gabriela Mistral, a Chilean poet and Nobel Laureate once said, "We are guilty of many errors and many faults but our worst crime is abandoning our children." When he said these words he was talking about child labour, but I think we can use these words for children whose parents earn hefty pay-packages but leave the children with maids for a long time. They then compensate for their absence with expensive toys and occasional outings. Such behaviour pampers the child but does not teach him anything. Yes, money is important in today's consumerist society but then we as individuals and as families have to put a limit on our expenses. Then only can we balance home and work. This applies to both parents but the role of the mother as a nurturer cannot be ignored. As Alice Hawthorne in her poem of the same title says, "What is home without mother?" A child's mind is like a seedling which grows into a tree, thrusting its way skyward, its branches multiplying only because it gets the right mixture of sunlight, air and water. The tree has to be tended with care for one strike by a stray animal can undo the good work of God. And if this happens the tree may recover but it will never regain its balance. A child is curious, he is a spectator to the happenings around him and absorbs each moment. He can absorb the influences for better or worse. And it is here that the parents step in to clear the doubts as they arise. Harleen, an architect, devoted five years of her life to her two daughters. "I felt only I could imbue them with the values which were dear to me. I could not entrust them to a stranger to learn basic values. I wanted to be a part of their growing up years. I have managed to do so and am happy with my decision. I have now resumed work." Innumerable research studies have proved that the first five years of child's life are very significant. A child is a bundle of energy. How a child turns out in life depends as to how his mind in shaped during his childhood. It is during this time that the child learns to distinguish between right and wrong. To help her learn all this, a child needs her parents, especially the mother, because she can even turn a walk into an adventure. Iqbalpreet was working in a renowned bank and drawing an enviable pay package. She resigned the job and decided to work as a teacher since teaching demands less working hours. A lecturer in a college now, she says, "I felt the need to be with my daughter. In the other job there was no time to spend all the money I was earning because she would be asleep by the time I reached home. I was missing out on the simple antics of my child, thus my decision to quit. I am a happier mother today." The child on her journey of life staggers and as she falls the mother helps to plant her feet firmly on the ground. Ann Taylor says, "Who ran to help me when I fell, and would some pretty story tell, or kiss the place to make it well? My mother." A child does not have a fixed amount of intelligence. The increase in intelligence depends upon the environment provided. The mother can narrate a simple story to her child and teach her lessons which will last her a lifetime. Children learn best when they are happy, satisfied, involved and actively interested in what they are accomplishing. As Wilde says, "The best way to make children good is to make them happy." The heftiest pay-package cannot make up for what your child feels when you are not there to bid her goodbye when she boards the school bus in the morning. Can sleeping with the expensive doll you bought for her give her and you the joy which you both get when you cuddle up together in bed? The child’s need for her mother in the role of a nurturer is so well-established that it led Manu, the ancient scholar, to say, "A mother exceeds a thousand fathers in the right to reverence." Let women go out and work
but at the same time spread joy at home, in the hearts of the family.
Only when they do this can they do well at their workplace. They will
then have the whole family to stand and applaud their work. We all need
that, don't we? |
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Social monitor
Major Lake, the Deputy Commissioner of Gurdaspur district drew the attention of the government in Lahore to his discovery (on 24th of November, 1851) of the "prevalence of Infanticide among the Bedis in Dera Baba Nanak in his district". Munhas Rajputs who were superior in plains used to bury the infant alive. It is reported that the body was placed in an earthen vessel and the top was covered with a thick paste. At times, the child’s mouth was covered with cow dung or her head was immersed in cow’s milk. Generally a small dose of opium was given to cause immediate death. Gender bias against females has a long history in Punjab. The birth of a daughter was mourned and the birth of a son was greeted with joy. The daughter meant disgrace, anxiety and heavy expenditure, whereas the son increased the parents’ wealth and dignity. A couplet recited by the Bedis show their brutality; "Goor Khaiea, poonee kutteea, Ap na aieea, bhay an ghutteea" (Eat your goor, and spin your thread, but go and send a boy instead)
Whoever has not seen a tiger may see a cat, Whoever has not seen Yama (messenger of death) may see a son-in-law. The "masculinisation" of the economy during the colonial period made the male child even more desirable. The colonial policy of agrarian commercialisation which led to the establishment in law of private alienable property, the reinforcement of class differentiation among rural people, the monetisation of the heavy revenue demand and the cultivation of indigo and opium besides other cash crops transformed the society of Punjab in significant ways. Accordingly only men could own family property. This led to alienation of ancient right of women in family property. Land was hence struck off from the list of stridhan. Timely payment of revenue forced the peasants to take loan and in event of failure of crops they sunk into indebtedness. British generated new job opportunities for ‘martial races’ in defense and development. All this and the effects of recruiting in British Indian Army from the ranks of Punjabi peasants, particularly the land tilling Jats, generated a demand for strong young men who would be employed with a cash wage, awards of land and eventually pensions, led to a preference for male children and in those days a family comprising only male children could only be ensured through selective female infanticide. Another important change took place with the emergence of a ‘middle class’ in colonial Punjab. This had significant impact on gender relations in Punjab. The practices of the higher castes were emulated by the lower castes. Middle class men engaged in intellectual and practical battles seeking superior status devoted substantive energy in reorganising women’s lives, reiterating norms of correct behaviour for them, regulating their behaviour in public spaces, and with the castes and classes marked ‘low’. In the quest for achieving appropriate class behaviour, women were re-situated within caste. Among politically powerful Jats this led to emulating of manners associated with high castes. This tightened the control over women. On the one hand female sexuality was used to subordinate her and on the other hand the ideal of pativrat’ was put forth. There is no greater love than that for her husband’s feet/She must worship her husband in her heart. The question of female
infanticide in Punjab needs a fresh analysis and to understand its
dynamics and the reasons for its continuity an understanding of the past
is needed. |
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Remembering
Kabul with horror
ON November 13, 2001 as Kabul fell and the beaming bright faces of Afghan women emerged from burqas after a five-year-long Taliban decree, a cautiously optimistic Bengali woman sat glued to the television set in Kolkata reminiscing her bitter memories of another day in Afghanistan. Scarred in body and mind from Taliban atrocities, it was also a moment of jubilation for 42-year-old Sushmita Banerjee, based on whose autobiographical account Kabuliwalar Bangali Bou (The Bengali wife of the Man from Kabul) the Manisha Koirala-starrer Escape from Taliban has been made. Sushmita had escaped from Afghanistan after the Taliban pronounced a death sentence on her for challenging them on their own turf and infusing a spirit of freedom in the minds of oppressed Afghan women. Today Sushmita, who claims to have not only seen Mollah Omar but also sang and danced before him before the Taliban came to power, has become a folklore in Bengal for her courage and single-handed fight against the Taliban. But the horrors of the past continue to haunt Sushmita as death threats still come at her south Kolkata residence over phone, especially during the post 9/11 US bombing of Afghanistan. She had escaped from the Taliban in July 1995. "Many Afghans in Kolkata were baying for my blood after Escape from Taliban went to the floors. Ironically, I was embroiled in a legal battle with my producers as well and now when I see the film I find it a distorted version in which my husband has been shown as a villain," says Sushmita. The film left her dejected and angry. "I was very proud that finally the film has been made and I dream that one day, it will even be released in Afghanistan, so that Afghan women can watch and learn something positive from it. But the film shows my husband Janbaaz as a wife-abuser. This is not true at all and my husband is extremely upset," Sushmita says. "I have approached the Human Rights Commission and filed a suit against the makers of the film for distorting truth while claiming it to be a true story," she says, fuming. "I wish they had depicted what I really experienced. Every single day I used to watch atrocities and death around me and even when I finally escaped and landed in Delhi, I still could not believe that I was really alive," she recalls. "The threat to my life here continues for ‘denigrating the Koran’ and speaking against the Taliban in the past, especially after the war broke out. I had contacted the police but was not given any security," says the gutsy lady who authored four Bengali books (all bestsellers) on Taliban and is busy working on her fifth book Mollah Omar, Taliban and Me. More than six million Afghans had fled the country during the Soviet occupation and 2.6 million still live outside their homeland, the world’s largest refugee population. Kolkata has a sizeable number of Afghans. "They tortured me so much. But they could not crush my spirit. I finally escaped. But see these scars on my body," says Sumita pointing to marks of Taliban torture inflicted during her years in Afghanistan. Sushmita, an upper caste Brahmin, had gone to Ghazni in southern Afghanistan in 1989 after marrying a burly Afghan called Jaanbaz Khan against the wishes of her family. But her dreams of a happy marital life soon turned sour when her parents-in-law began ill-treating her and pressurised her to convert to Islam. It was the time when the radical Taliban militia was establishing itself in the villages of Afghanistan, claiming to enforce what it termed "true Islamic values" on the population. Some of the memories of the Taliban are vivid in her mind. "I sill remember the day in 1992 when around 25 Taliban personnel entered Sarana village in Ghazni and took shelter in the local mosque. They then went from house to house saying that they were trying to bring peace and anyone opposing them would be killed. That’s when their mask fell off, and people realised that their presence in the country would only make life even more miserable," she says. "Every house in the village had to take turns feeding them. I used to cook meat and make rotis for them," she adds. Trouble began soon for Sushmita as the militants realised that she was a Hindu and had not converted to Islam despite being married to an Afghan. "I became an eyesore for them and they were hell bent on converting me. Almost everyday, their leader Abdul Malik would come and threaten me. He would slap me, pull my hair and insult me. No one dared to help me," she recalls. "My husband Janbaaz who now stays with me here had a wife already. I was shocked when I had to sleep with him in the same bed with that woman though my husband never made love to her before my eyes. It is common there and when I protested I got beaten up," says Sushmita. "I am also grateful to my husband’s first wife. If she had not helped me I would not have been alive," says Sushmita. "During my years under the Taliban rule I saw how women were tortured. I saw women being raped by them. Their proclaimed respect for women was a big lie," says the lady who was stripped, tortured and dragged by hair for miles for defying the Taliban and trying to form women’s groups against male repression. "The Taliban is more dangerous than one can imagine. Had I not seen them, I would never have believed that such cruel people exist," Sushmita says. "I have seen the most barbaric face of Taliban. I don’t think Mullah Omar was a fanatic before the Taliban came. He used to be a freedom fighter in the country’s fight against the Russian hegemony and Nazibullah. He became a terrorist later after Osama bin Laden came to Afghanistan in 1994. I have danced at the wedding party of his sister Fatima," claims Sushmita. Sushmita, who became a target of the Taliban for trying to organise the women of a village called Sharana in Ghazni, had started a movement against the burqa. "I tried to prevent the practice of two women sharing the same bed with one man. The outcome was torture. I was hit with bayonets of guns. And then I had to escape as they had issued a death decree against me after I was tried by a local body," recalls Sushmita. "The first time I tried to escape I got caught. I tried to escape through a tunnel used for supplying water. I dug the soil to find its mouth. I ran for miles through graveyards and open fields and rough terrain. But I was caught and sentenced to death. I again escaped to Kabul and from there to India the next time. An Afghan man helped me. Unfortunately people who helped me escape and whom I mentioned in the book have been ignored in the film," says Sushmita. "If I had not escaped I would have been shot dead. But before that I was to be converted. Around 15 Taliban soldiers read from the Koran as I waited. When they placed their arms on the ground while reading from the holy book, I quickly picked up an AK 47 and threatened to shoot at random. Pointing the weapon at them, I just ran, and kept running till I reached the Indian embassy in Islamabad." "All along my husband was in Kolkata and though I was furious at him and wanted a divorce I later came to know that his entire family in Afghanistan would have been wiped out had he been there," says Sushmita. "But my ordeal is far from over even here. I receive threatening calls," says the feisty lady. "But I have fought the Taliban and I know that life is a big fight," says Sushmita who lives with her Afghan husband in Calcutta. "I want to bring my husband’s first wife who has endured a lot to India," she adds. TWF |
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"WOMEN are three times
more prone to depression than men," declares Avdesh Sharma,
consultant psychiatrist at the Parivartan Centre for Mental Health,
New Delhi. The centre is run by a group of leading Delhi
psychiatrists. Today, there are
several psychiatrists and psychologists in Delhi who use humour and
laughter to address or treat depression, especially among women.
SEX ratio patterns in Census
2001 have sent shock waves throughout India. The dramatic fall in the
sex ratios in the country, especially in the states of Punjab and
Haryana, in the last one-decade has alarmed the demographers and
social scientists (see Table). Similar situation prevailed in India
during the days of the British East India Company and the Crown.
Social Scientists agree that female infanticide has historically been
responsible for such an alarming scarcity of females in India.
"WOMEN
are three times more prone to depression than men," declares Avdesh
Sharma, consultant psychiatrist at the Parivartan Centre for Mental
Health, New Delhi. The centre is run by a group of leading Delhi
psychiatrists.
SEX
ratio patterns in Census 2001 have sent shock waves throughout India.
The dramatic fall in the sex ratios in the country, especially in the
states of Punjab and Haryana, in the last one-decade has alarmed the
demographers and social scientists (see Table). Similar situation
prevailed in India during the days of the British East India Company and
the Crown. Social Scientists agree that female infanticide has
historically been responsible for such an alarming scarcity of females
in India.
There indeed was
"this sense of feeling small, an abasement of the self that
occurred at the birth of a girl, could in some cases be extremely
humiliating at the time of her marriage." This is narrated through
a couplet;