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High self-esteem the key to
harmonious bonds
SOME people are "difficulty" personified. They are difficult to talk to and more difficult to live with. We know them. They get our hackles up. For no reason. That’s their hall-mark. They clash with us, with others, with everyone they come in contact with. It is not easy to find out what ails them. One may be suffering from a fatal disease, unknown to us. Another may be having a bitter feud with his better-half. Yet another may have got a dressing down from the boss (in the office). In short, people are not always their best selves. They are not as good as we think they should be. This "cobra" attitude often distances us from our one-time friends. They begin to see through the jaundice of our soul, the green-eyed monster, the guiding "spirit". Dealing with others, easy
or difficult, calls for constant care, and more important, resilience.
This is the key word. And also the key to smooth relationships with all
kinds of people, especially those whom we rub shoulders with everyday.
Every hour. |
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A hypothetical example will illustrate my point. Let’s talk to half a dozen people, seeking their opinion on a colleague or friend. The answers will baffle us. These will vary from: sincere, good, decent, duty-conscious, of sound character; to bad, indecent, duty-violator, unsound of character. Expletives abound in the latter category. What makes people like that? David Zaid of Vanderbilt University in Nashville has come out with finding: it is because of a tiny part of the brain which governs their tendency to have regular bouts of irritability, anxiety or anger. The more active that part of the brain, the more likely they are to suffer bad moods. However, his research excludes the responsibility of such people to exercise deliberate restraint to avoid friction in relationships. The secret lies in peeping into the psyche of such people. Hornell Hart observes: "The man who cannot get along with others usually cannot get along with himself. He is unhappy with the way he thinks and feels." A good image and self-esteem are prerequisites in dealing with others. Criticism and condemnation of others are the reverse of what we are doing to ourselves inside. In other words, appreciation and praise, the lubricants of life, do not mix well with criticism and condemnation — as oil and water cannot. A sense of self-respect and human dignity are indispensable for living harmoniously with others. Self-respect, or self-esteem imply a proper evaluation of the self as an individual and a human being. For harmonious living and elimination of dysphoric feelings, there must be a right appreciation of the self. This can be summed up in Socrates’ Know thyself. Clusters of black feelings foul our inner environment. They pollute us from inside. David Fink has called them "psychoallergy". Fink recommends: "Before you fly off the handle with retaliatory aggression, stop and think. What subconscious need of your own are you defending? Ask yourself whether it is worth this defence." |
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