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| HER WORLD | Sunday, June 15, 2003, Chandigarh, India |
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Social monitor I feel strongly... Which is
the best country for moms? Worry not,
it’s unfair for the fair sex |
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Social monitor
Recently, Afsana Mushtaq (name changed) in Delhi became the first Indian woman to be digitally divorced when her husband e-mailed her the triple talaq. Triple talaq is a way of divorcing a wife by proclaiming the word ‘talaq’ (divorce) thrice. It must be noted that all Muslims do not universally practice the triple talaq. Though this is a largely Sunni Muslim practice, even among Sunnis, only Hanafis and Shafis practice it. According to Asghar Ali Engineer of the Centre for Study of Society and Secularism in Mumbai, Shias and all their sects do not accept the triple talaq. Malikis and Hanbalis as well as Ahl-e-hadith do not accept triple talaq in one sitting. As technology develops, it poses new challenges to traditional practices. While cell phones have become lifesavers in emergency situations, they have also played a crucial role in man-woman relationships. If it has played the role of cupid, it is also posing a challenge to traditional matrimonial practices. In the UAE and in Malaysia, cell phones have been used to end marriages by SMS-ing ‘Talaq, Talaq, Talaq’. But then, this is not the first time technology has been used in officially terminating a relationship. Earlier, it was telephonic, postal and telegram divorces; now there are talaqs via e-mail and SMS. Technology has changed the way people are courting, getting married and yes, also the way they are separating. "If people are meeting and dating on the Internet, why not divorces?" says Anuradha Pratap, principal of Al-Ameen Management College in Bangalore. "If nikahs (weddings) can take place using technology, why not talaqs?" asks Ayesha Banu, a Bangalore resident. "There were telephone weddings nearly two decades ago. It’s only the technology that has changed, everything else has remained the same." Even religious leaders of the community don’t see any problem in declaring talaq using new technology. They believe that declaring divorce through the SMS has the same effect as a letter - the same goes for declarations made via telephone or e-mail, but the divorce would have to be confirmed by a Sharia court with both spouses present. According to Bangalore-based advocate Nazeer Ahmed, technology should be treated as just that, ‘a way of communication’ and nothing beyond. But it is mandatory for the man who is communicating the message to give his proper contact address, without which the procedure is incomplete. Meanwhile, the woman gets a period of three months response time - ‘iddat’ - during which she can claim maintenance. Would SMS divorce be considered legal in India? Ahmed says it doesn’t matter to which country you belong, and whether the man is using a telephone, e-mail or a mobile phone to communicate the message of divorce. The Sharia treats technology as a medium of communication, and once the message is communicated and authenticated, under the Sharia, it becomes legal. The method of authentication requires witnesses to be present during the divorce procedure. Witnesses may be a male relative or two female relatives. M. A. Ataulla, an organisational psychologist, suggests caution in using new technology to terminate marriages: "As far as possible, chances should be given for other means of communication, since it is easy to misuse modern gadgets." But Maulana M. D. Zafeer Alaam Nadvi in Bangalore is not worried about misuse because "only after proper investigation is made and only after the woman confirms that the message was indeed sent by her husband can the divorce take place". In the UAE, the Emirates of Dubai and Kuwait are in favour of using technology to terminate a marriage. The world’s first divorce on mobile took place when a man in Dubai divorced his 26-year-old wife. Of course, this method of terminating marriages holds good only under the Sharia, the Islamic law. In the USA where divorce rates are high, the American response is varied. Some welcome the convenience; others find it too impersonal a means to bid good-bye to a person with whom you have shared some of life’s most intimate moments. Meanwhile, women in the East have a different story to tell. A woman in Malaysia contested the validity of declaring divorce through SMS. According to the Sharia, it is possible to obtain a divorce based on a written text, but the concern here is not so much the technology but the way it is used. The wrong guys might use this to get quick e-divorces and it is the women who will have to bear the brunt. A Malaysian newspaper reported Hamid
Othman, adviser to Prime Minister Mahathir Mohamad, saying that although
Islamic law might permit the use of SMS for divorce, the government
would not accept it. "We have adequate laws to curb rash moves by
Muslim men to divorce their wives without justification," says
Othman. — WFS |
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I feel strongly... THIS eternal wail of woman, her problems, her sufferings and the litany of her struggles against the brutal force of man has occupied centrestage for so long that one forgets when it was not a dominant issue in the society. Countless reams of paper have been filled in discussing, debating and ripping threadbare the concerns of women by feminists and anti-feminists of each variety and hue. But still one question has remained unanswered: Why does a woman submit to such an oppression? Why does one woman grovel whereas another in like circumstances can rise with dignity and self-assurance? I firmly believe that a woman writes her own destiny. Let it not be judged insensitive and cruel of me to state that more often than not, if a woman suffers, she is partly responsible for it. She gets what she deserves. A popular serial on Sony, Heena, testifies to the truth of the above statement. The heroine must remain silent and secretive, as men in her life keep on pronouncing Talaq and heaping indignities on her so that you sometimes feel like shaking her up and asking her to come to her senses. A typical Bhartiya naari, and only God knows who enumerated the ‘qualities’ characterising this Bhartiya naari. As if getting beaten, slapped, verbally and physically assaulted and yet not speaking out would earn a woman a place in heaven. Now for the reasons put forward for such submissiveness. We are the weaker sex, comes a whine. In the April 2002 issue of Reader’s Digest, the question of who is stronger between boys and girls has been explored. It points towards scientific research being done on different aspects of this enigma, indicating that boys are a combination of ‘physical aggressiveness and emotional vulnerability’. The brain of a female is more finely developed. So, somewhere, the weaker emerges as the stronger one and vice-versa. Where does that leave all the adulation, the awe in which menfolk are held by women? We are at a biological disadvantage, comes another argument. Well, you think it, therefore you feel it. Bring about a revolution of thoughts. Stop feeling guilty about somebody else’s crime. For generations, the belt of chastity has been held sacred by the societies in a bid to threaten women into slavery. Even with the changing attitudes, this is one fear that concerns parents of a girl child, the honour at stake. But the pertinent question is: What is the big deal about the whole thing? Why should women who are raped or sexually exploited live a miserable life? What would happen to our relationship? Our families, our world would break up if we adopt such behaviour, comes a self-righteous explanation. Okay, so that may be the case but are you not, in the process, wiping out the role of everyone else in society? That smacks of an egoistic attitude. You are responsible but so is everyone — husbands, fathers, sons and many others. Let them share the burden. This is also true of domestic chores. It is funny to see how women almost faint on finding a man helping out. Poor thing! We go ahead grab the broom from his hands. We are the ones tailor-made for such work. Where would we go if we take some step, without our families and money, so comes a tremulous query. You can survive and survive with dignity. Choose between a tragic life and even death at the hands of your ‘loved ones’ and endeavour to realise you potential through education and career, stand on your feet and face the world. You can do it. We are so conditioned, so how do we make a break, comes a final attempt to cling. You make a break as you did with so many other things that became redundant with the passage of time. Now you don’t commit Sati. You are also not getting married very early. You have also emerged from behind the purdah. If you can do all this, you can do more. Definitely, the big, bad world, especially the relationships closest to you, strangulate you like anything, accusing and blaming and at times you cannot but buckle under pressure. However, at least, you should let a little bit of effort show and offer resistance. Let it not be said that you gave up without a fight. It is your life and you live but once. It is also said that if you are irritated, people get more fun in irritating you. I know it is easy to advice and difficult to act but women must now shed some of their delicate sensibilities, so easily hurt, so easily led to pity, so vulnerable to emotional ‘blackmail’, at least as far as their own physical and psychological well-being is concerned. They need to assert and to
argue as far as they can without being termed as ‘shrews’ or ‘feminists’
and all the labels that only women are adorned with if they stand up
even for their basic self-respect and a right to dignity. |
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Which is the best country for moms?
WHICH country would mothers love to be in? USA? India? No. The three Scandinavian countries - Sweden, Denmark and Norway - top the list as countries where women with children get the best facilities and enjoy a good quality of life. In fact, of the 117 countries, USA ranks 11th and India is down at 89 in the State of the World’s Mothers 2003 Report drawn up by Save the Children, an international relief and development organisation working in 45 countries. The report was released by Save the Children on May 11 to mark Mother’s Day. One of the myths the report explodes is that high incomes guarantee better deals to women who are mothers. The US, with a per capita income in excess of $34,140 (US$1=Rs 47), is ranked much lower than Sweden, Denmark and Norway, with per capita incomes of $24,277, $27,627 and $29,918 respectively. While indices like the Human Development Index (HDI) take note of the non-monetary dimensions of the quality of life, and the Gender Empowerment Measure (GEM) factors in women’s political empowerment, the Mothers’ Index focuses specifically on the quality of life for women with children. The quality of mothers’ lives significantly determines not only the socio-economic status of women in the reproductive age group but also the overall life indices of children who make up the future generation. The index uses six indicators to rank countries (both developed { 19} and developing ones { 98} ) according to their performance in terms of facilities for motherhood. These are: safe deliveries (percentage of births with trained personnel in attendance); health parameters of pregnant women (nutritional deficiencies); lifetime risk of maternal mortality (availability of, and access to, health care); percentage of women using modern contraceptives (to ensure adequate spacing of pregnancies, so that her health doesn’t suffer due to repeated pregnancies); adult female literacy rates (education helps a mother better monitor and safeguard her own and her child’s health, and ensures that her children will receive schooling); and participation of women in national government. While Sweden, Denmark, Norway and even Switzerland score high on all the above indicators, countries like Angola, Mali, Sierra Leone, Yemen, Ethiopia and Niger come at the bottom of the table. China is ranked 38, while Bangladesh, Pakistan and Nepal are at number 95, 99 and 100 respectively. The most disturbing news is not just the poor rank of India (89), but the reason for the low ranking: 88 per cent of pregnant women in India suffer from anaemia, the world’s highest. (The corresponding figures for Chile and South Africa are 13 and 37 per cent respectively, and for Argentina and China 26 and 52 respectively). Anaemia leads to problems not only for the woman but also for her child as her ability to breastfeed and care for the child get affected. Anaemia can be easily tackled. Addition of leafy vegetables in the diet, which are cheap and can be grown by the poorest families too, can make a difference. But lack of awareness - in turn caused by lack of education - makes a large number of women, especially in rural India, victims of anaemia. Poverty alone is not the explanation. India, with a per capita income of $2,358, shares the same rank as the Ivory Coast (Cote d’Ivoire), which has a per capita income of only $1,630. Cultural factors (like women eating last and least, and doing without food if there is not enough for the family) also contribute to Indian mothers’ poor health. Besides, trained midwives and nurses attend only 43 per cent births in India, whereas in Chile, trained attendants oversee 100 per cent births. Singapore too records 100 per cent, while figures for UK and USA are 99 per cent. Although India’s maternal mortality rates have fallen in recent years, the figures are still high (over 450 per 100,000 live births, compared to 13 in the developed world, and as low as three in Scandinavian countries). This further affects India’s ranking in the mothers’ index. The ‘lifetime risk of maternal mortality’ index that the ranking uses includes not merely conventional maternal mortality statistics but also takes into consideration the number of children a mother has, and the conditions under which she gives birth, her own health and nutritional status. The US’s low ranking in the mothers’ index, is due to the poor representation of women in national government. The index argues that women’s participation in decision-making outside the family is an indicator of the facilities they enjoy, in terms of social support for women with children; countries like Sweden and Denmark, with 45 and 38 per cent representation for women in Parliament respectively, rank higher than the US where women make up only 14 per cent in national government. (India has only nine per cent representation in Parliament). War and conflict situations traumatise both men and women, but it is women and children who pay a higher price. Seven of the bottom 10 countries in the list (including Angola, Sierra Leone and Ethiopia) are regions of conflict or post-conflict. In Afghanistan, 92 per cent of babies are delivered without the presence of trained personnel, and one in seven mothers die in childbirth. The lifetime risk of a woman dying in childbirth is 600 times greater in Niger than in Sweden. A mother in Iraq, the index points out, is 35 times more likely to see her child die in the first year of life, compared to a mother in Sweden. These figures were calculated before the latest war on Iraq and probably took into consideration only the effects of sanctions imposed earlier. Conflict affects a mother’s ability to care for herself and her family. So, it’s not just higher
incomes and more equitable distribution of incremental incomes but also
peace that is required for women’s progress and the betterment of
mothers’ conditions. |
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Worry not,
it’s unfair for the fair sex A recent study in the USA revealed that women worry more than men. Both differ a lot in their approach to negative emotions. Women are twice as more likely to develop depression than men. Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, Professor Psychology, researched over a decade at Michigan University in the USA. Her findings reveal how women develop various worries and are constant worriers. The repeated worrying mood tremendously multiplies their negative emotions. Women go on worrying over trifles without taking action. Men, on the other hand, jump into action without thinking over the problem at hand. In both cases, there is a great loss of energy which can otherwise be fruitfully utilised. Here is an acid test! If you constantly worry about a matter for five minutes without taking an action, you are a worrier and you need to mend your ways. If you ruminate up to four minutes, you have a hair-breadth escape from the worry-line. Ruminating for a minute or two, and then jumping into action, is a healthy sign. A little tension gears one into positive action. Why do women worry more than men? Research reveals that being physically weak, women constantly worry about their relationships. Even women otherwise privileged, suffer from miserable relationships. They reach the depths of depression finding their fine looking husband a cheat or a womaniser. Shakespeare was not wrong when he wrote: "Men are April when they woo, But December when they wed" What makes women constant worriers? It is in their nature to brood a lot. Their problems swell in size as per their vain imaginings. M. S. Rao, an eminent Indian psychiatrist writes: "The pain of a hysterical woman is as serious as she believes and fears her trouble to be..." Nature has bestowed humans with a very intelligent brain. But alas! She didn’t enclose the operating instructions with this excellent mechanism! Women, being physically weak as compared to men, tend to be more self-conscious. This over self-consciousness leads them to nervousness, even fearful uneasiness. Worry not, fair sex! You are intelligent enough to change the negative into the positive. When in a low pessimistic mood, silently but firmly tell yourself: "Worry, you are not my friend. Go away. Every day in every way I’m becoming more and more positive!" Chances are that your mood will change. If the low mood still persists, repeat the same auto-suggestion till you feel the surging change within yourself. With repeated exercise, you will really become more positive. With that, your relationships and even circumstances, will change. William James, the father of psychology, has confirmed: "What human mind can conceive, it can achieve!" |
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WELCOME
to the era of SMS and digital divorces. A triple talaq - via SMS
or e-mail. Shocking, impersonal and near instantaneous, that’s digital
divorce for you.