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| HER WORLD | Sunday, May 25, 2003, Chandigarh, India |
Spirit of enterprise
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Social monitor
CIRCA 1960: A bride in all her finery returns from the mandap. Desolate. The groom, his lust for dowry unfulfilled, has returned. What follows is social ostracism and in all probability spells suicide for the bride if not for the whole family. Circa 2003: A bride in all her finery returns from the mandap. Undaunted. The groom, his lust for dowry insatiate, has been sent packing off. What follows are accolades. The girl is an icon and hailed as the epitome of courage. It is not just the course of time and the transformation of attitudes we need to ponder over. Read between the lines to follow the evolution of dowry. From a demand that was buttressed with the threat of dire consequences, it has emerged as an instrument of buying happiness for the daughter. Nisha Sharma’s father and fiancé struck a deal. While handing over the keys to the sparkling new Maruti Esteem, the father in return wanted the same glee on his daughter’s face that was so conspicuous on the fiancé's face. Says D.D Sharma, "I told him when I gave him the key, the way you are happy, I want my daughter to be happy". Little realising that he was aiding dowry, albeit in a new avtaar. Sharma and his daughter Nisha raised a cry against dowry, but only when they felt they could give no more. Unabashed, they recount the "gifts" the family had purchased to be given at the time of the marriage. This with the intention of buying happiness for their daughter. Two sets of refrigerators, two air conditioners, two washing machines, two music systems, a microwave oven, two televisions, a Maruti Esteem are just a few gifts that were meant to keep Nisha Sharma company in her new matrimonial home. "These are gifts that my family wanted to give to Nisha. This was wilfully. But when the groom’s family began pressurising us for money, we decided to put our foot down", claims Sharma. Clarifying that the extra refrigerator, washing machine and the air conditioner were for the groom’s elder brother, Sharma says, "women bicker over comforts, while men squabble over assets. When Munish told Nisha that his elder brother has not been looked after, I decided to buy him material comforts". Things turned sour when the Dalal family, headed by the groom’s mother Vidya, demanded Rs. 12 lakh in cash. "They started dropping hints a day after the engagement ceremony and on the wedding day Munish’s mother created a ruckus and slapped me", says Sharma. Enraged at her father’s humiliation, Nisha then called up the police. What followed was adulation for the spirited girl who chose to call off the wedding. A book, a teleserial and a cartoon strip will recount the tale of the petite yet fiery girl who is now looking forward to finishing her studies and getting married to a boy who papa thinks is best. The Dalals’ story
The picture of Nisha’s courage has been splashed with colours of controversy. Just when the sound of cheer was rising high, in stepped a former classmate Navneet Rai, to claim that Nisha who was opposed to marrying Munish was still in love with him. Navneet recalled a five-year relationship with Nisha. "This is a way to malign my daughter’s name. She was interested in Navneet, I also went with a proposal, but when I realised that he was unemployed and wanted to live off me, I decided against the match. In fact, after Nisha refused to marry Navneet and spurned his advances, he misbehaved. She later filed a written complaint against him and got him expelled from college". Together with the Dalals, Navneet Rai’s revelations have now clouded Nisha’s supposed bravado. The Dalals allege that they sought no dowry and only raised questions about Nisha’s relationship with Rai. "Nisha’s uncles have told us that she was interested in marrying Navneet. We have bee falsely implicated in the case. We did not ask for dowry, and even at the time of the engagement ceremony we were not given any cash or kind. They came with fruits and sweets and nothing else", alleges Rishi Dalal, Munish’s elder brother. He adds, "when we reached the venue there was no one to receive us, Nisha’s father abused my mother, hit her and snatched what she was carrying with her. In fact, it was Munish who first called the police and if we were guilty of asking for dowry, Munish would not have been arrested from his house, he would have been absconding". While the city is celebrating Nisha’s deed, there are questions cropping vis-`E0-vis the motive behind the emotion. Was Nisha a woman scorned or is she a victim of a social discrepancy? There are unanswered questions as to whether the gifts that lie stacked in their packing at the Sharma household are just another form of dowry, only this time met without demands. Twist in the tale Nisha Sharma displayed courage by calling off the wedding. She rebelled against the norm and set an example for others. However, like most girls from conventional families, she also agreed to take "gifts for her new matrimonial home". "My father wanted to give me gifts and when Munish asked for specific brands it was ok with us as we were anyway buying the articles", said Nisha, when questioned why she agreed to accept Munish's demands. Nisha Sharma's father is confident that he can prove that the Dalal's sought dowry. "I have audio and video tapes to prove my point. The conversation has been tapped by me. There are video recordings that will validate whatever I have given to the Dalals", said Sharma. When this correspondent questioned him as to way he did not report the matter to the police prior to the wedding, considering he had realised that Dala's were seeking dowry, he said, " I wanted to be sure". While Dalals claim that they never asked for dowry and did not even receive any gifts prior to the wedding, the Sharmas differ. "During the engagement ceremony we gave them, furniture, utensils, cash, gold and silver coins and clothes apart from fruits and sweets", said Sharma. Though Sharma maintains that he was giving the items as "gifts wilfully", there are contradictions that seem to emerge. When the Dalals specified that they wanted appliances of certain brands and also hinted about wanting money, why did the Sharmas fail to register their protest? "This may be seen as contributory negligence on the part of the bride's family. By accepting the demands for buying brands of a certain brand they have become party to it", claimed Ashok Aggarwal, a lawyer. Social activist and General Secretary, All India Democratic Women's Association, Brinda Karat said, "The parents, by giving so many presents have acted like conventional parents. If they could afford, they should have given Nisha equal property rights". She added, "giving gifts in sets of two is sending a wrong signal". Senior lawyer Pinky Anand sees Nisha's case as "One that showcases awakening at the right time". She said, "at least she put an end to it at the right time. There are others who wait for years to file a case". Papas' girl In a modestly decorated house in Noida, Nisha Sharma sits dwarfed by a pile of gifts. Latest additions to the room are a variety of bouquets and mementos that were presented to her at various felicitation ceremonies. The red lehnga lying discarded in her wardrobe does not evoke remorse, "I am glad I did not get married to Munish. They could have done anything to me later on". "I have been giving at least 20 interviews a day", claims the girl who despite having no knowledge about a NGO has already been approached to join a NGO, there are offers from film producer and writers besides political parties. "I am not going to join politics, I want to get on with life and finish my studies", says Nisha. Reluctant and somewhat unsure, she adds, "I have not decided whether I will accept the proposals for the comic book and a serial based on my story". Tired of media attention and eager to
get on with her life, this computer science student exhibits immense
faith in her father's counsel, "He knows best. I will marry whoever
he chooses and do what he wants me to do". |
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Survival strategies
WHEN Ankita’s one and a half-year-old romance ended, she popped 30 pills and then was hospitalised for 15 days. When Shivani and her husband started quarrelling in the car while driving back after a late night dinner, she made him stop the car and got out from it, in the middle of a highway, miles away from home. These women are highly "technicolour" ladies, who live by their emotions and act them out in moments of high drama. These women fly out of rooms angrily, opening and shutting doors so forcefully that the whole room shakes. They use cell phones like umbilical cords, calling the man several times a day when all is well. If they are upset, they can call every half hour all-night long with complaints and threats.
They are all emotion and are capable of anything, even if it causes embarrassment to themselves or their loved ones. One such striking model was having a disagreement with her husband at my workplace and I saw that she became more and more agitated. Finally, she flung her brand new expensive mobile right in front of us and marched off. Not knowing what to do next, she came back after five minutes crying hysterically. I could see violence in her rage, so I pacified her first. In the past, she had pushed her husband numerous times, flinging things on him and when he slapped her once in return, she rushed out of her house screaming and sobbing. Thus, she created an absolute nuisance in her neighborhood. What often triggers the liveliest scenes of these hyperactive ladies is rejection; real or perceived. They react strongly at the merest hint of it. One such man who was seeing a participant in a beauty pageant regularly remarked to me rather pensively: "Our new romance was progressing splendidly and we were talking regularly three to four times a day. At the end of one afternoon I said I had to hang up as I had work and that I would not be home even in the evening. Immediately she became icy and cold and hung up abruptly. She felt rejected and suspected that I was seeing another woman. The irony of it was that I was going to see another woman, some one I was seeing before I met her. I was going to say goodbye to the other woman. Thankfully I did not do that and I am back with her." The temperament of such women is characterised by an extreme intolerance to personal rejection and a particular vulnerability to loss of romantic attachment. Normally, these women are ebullient, dramatic, outgoing and expansive. They flirt and act seductively with men. They are very attractive to many people but there is a hidden side to their personalities. They suffer from frequent bouts of depression. When they are happy they fly high, but when they get depressed they swing to the other extreme—they crash. Luckily, the periods of depression do not last long though they are repetitive and occur frequently but they are over in a matter of hours or days. They are born actresses. To shore up self-esteem (that is at worst terrible and at best shaky), they need constant attention and praise from others. Applause can energise them so much that their behaviour verges on hyperactivity. As far as managing their relationships is concerned, they will try all means of coercion to get what they want, including threats of leaping from windows, repeated phone calls or frequents walkouts. Basically, such women are always preoccupied with romance. Staying in touch with her love – literally with lots of phone contact, touching, hand holding and love making is extremely important. The man initially does not see the rage that spews out in volatile arguments and scenes because he has done nothing yet to provoke it. He thinks of such a woman as emotional and colourful and not as demanding or hysterical. He will not be aware of this darker side of her personality until later. By then, it is normally too late. Such women, even in their best moments, are neither logical nor clear-headed but rely, instead, on intuition and emotion. Such women settle for men who are diametrically opposite to them—dour, logical and serious with great control over their emotions. They are each initially attracted to them because of what they lack in themselves. In these marriages, the husband eventually feels overshadowed by his wife’s more exuberant personality. He sees her histrionics, need for attention and praise as a form of control. He suffers her hysterical attacks stoically but resists passively. He fights back by emotionally withdrawing and withholding signs of affection. This, of course, drives her crazy. You must learn to think before you act. Imagine, that in your head there is a little door that leads to your brain. When you either feel rejected, enthusiastic or annoyed, do make those emotions pass through the door in to your brain. There you can shape them and make them truly yours before acting upon them. In this way, you will feel that you can control your actions rather than feeling later that those actions do not belong to you. You can learn to mean everything you either say or do. Being in control a good deal of the
time should make you feel more powerful and less helpless or overwhelmed
than is the case without modifying your behaviour. It will also make you
an easier person to live with and to love. So stop waiting and get your
act together. |
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Spirit of enterprise
WHEN Ankita’s one and a half-year-old romance ended, she popped 30 pills and then was hospitalised for 15 days. When Shivani and her husband started quarrelling in the car while driving back after a late night dinner, she made him stop the car and got out from it, in the middle of a highway, miles away from home. These women are highly "technicolour" ladies, who live by their emotions and act them out in moments of high drama. These women fly out of rooms angrily, opening and shutting doors so forcefully that the whole room shakes. They use cell phones like umbilical cords, calling the man several times a day when all is well. If they are upset, they can call every half hour all-night long with complaints and threats. They are all emotion and are capable of anything, even if it causes embarrassment to themselves or their loved ones. One such striking model was having a disagreement with her husband at my workplace and I saw that she became more and more agitated. Finally, she flung her brand new expensive mobile right in front of us and marched off. Not knowing what to do next, she came back after five minutes crying hysterically. I could see violence in her rage, so I pacified her first. In the past, she had pushed her husband numerous times, flinging things on him and when he slapped her once in return, she rushed out of her house screaming and sobbing. Thus, she created an absolute nuisance in her neighborhood. What often triggers the liveliest scenes of these hyperactive ladies is rejection; real or perceived. They react strongly at the merest hint of it. One such man who was seeing a participant in a beauty pageant regularly remarked to me rather pensively: "Our new romance was progressing splendidly and we were talking regularly three to four times a day. At the end of one afternoon I said I had to hang up as I had work and that I would not be home even in the evening. Immediately she became icy and cold and hung up abruptly. She felt rejected and suspected that I was seeing another woman. The irony of it was that I was going to see another woman, some one I was seeing before I met her. I was going to say goodbye to the other woman. Thankfully I did not do that and I am back with her." The temperament of such women is characterised by an extreme intolerance to personal rejection and a particular vulnerability to loss of romantic attachment. Normally, these women are ebullient, dramatic, outgoing and expansive. They flirt and act seductively with men. They are very attractive to many people but there is a hidden side to their personalities. They suffer from frequent bouts of depression. When they are happy they fly high, but when they get depressed they swing to the other extreme—they crash. Luckily, the periods of depression do not last long though they are repetitive and occur frequently but they are over in a matter of hours or days. They are born actresses. To shore up self-esteem (that is at worst terrible and at best shaky), they need constant attention and praise from others. Applause can energise them so much that their behaviour verges on hyperactivity. As far as managing their relationships is concerned, they will try all means of coercion to get what they want, including threats of leaping from windows, repeated phone calls or frequents walkouts. Basically, such women are always preoccupied with romance. Staying in touch with her love – literally with lots of phone contact, touching, hand holding and love making is extremely important. The man initially does not see the rage that spews out in volatile arguments and scenes because he has done nothing yet to provoke it. He thinks of such a woman as emotional and colourful and not as demanding or hysterical. He will not be aware of this darker side of her personality until later. By then, it is normally too late. Such women, even in their best moments, are neither logical nor clear-headed but rely, instead, on intuition and emotion. Such women settle for men who are diametrically opposite to them—dour, logical and serious with great control over their emotions. They are each initially attracted to them because of what they lack in themselves. In these marriages, the husband eventually feels overshadowed by his wife’s more exuberant personality. He sees her histrionics, need for attention and praise as a form of control. He suffers her hysterical attacks stoically but resists passively. He fights back by emotionally withdrawing and withholding signs of affection. This, of course, drives her crazy. You must learn to think before you act. Imagine, that in your head there is a little door that leads to your brain. When you either feel rejected, enthusiastic or annoyed, do make those emotions pass through the door in to your brain. There you can shape them and make them truly yours before acting upon them. In this way, you will feel that you can control your actions rather than feeling later that those actions do not belong to you. You can learn to mean everything you either say or do. Being in control a good
deal of the time should make you feel more powerful and less helpless or
overwhelmed than is the case without modifying your behaviour. It will
also make you an easier person to live with and to love. So stop waiting
and get your act together. |
