The ashram that became a home
Vimla Patil

The Shraddhanand Mahila Ashram in Mumbai completes 75 years of yeoman service to abandoned women of all ages this year. Lok Sabha Speaker Manohar Joshi has unfailingly visited the ashram for 31 years to celebrate Bhai Dooj and to bring financial help and gifts to the women.

Lok Sabha Speaker Manohar Joshi with girls of the Shraddhanand Ashram on Bhai Dooj

EVERY huge tree, with its branches spreading over a sprawling area, begins with a tiny seed. Human endeavour is often described by this allegory. In 1927, after the assassination of Swami Shraddhanand at the hands of a religious fanatic, Rameshwar Das Birla, Barrister Jayakar, B.G. Kher and L. Napoo — great social activists of the twenties — came together to establish the Shraddhanand Anath Mahilaashram (conducted by the Hindu Women’s Welfare Society) to fulfil a dream which the Swami had held dear to his heart. Today, after 75 years, the ashram has become a landmark in Mumbai and set an example for institutions which bring hope and light into the lives of abandoned or abused women.

This year, the ashram completes 75 years of its service to women. In the first week of this month, the ashram celebrated the inaugural function of its platinum jubilee with a celebrity of rare sensitivity as the chief guest. Lok Sabha Speaker Manohar Joshi came specially to share the happiness of hundreds of girls and women from the ashram on the occasion. He was the natural choice for the chief guest. Manohar Joshi has been ‘brother’ to several generations of women in the ashram. For 31 years, while he graduated from being a member of the legislative assembly to becoming the Chief Minister of Maharashtra, then a Central Government Minister and finally the Speaker of the Lok Sabha, he has visited them every year without fail on Bhai Dooj day with a gift of Rs 25,000 and a feast of good food. Last year, for his 61st birthday, he and wife Anagha gave the ashram Rs 61,000 as a gift.

Each year, the bond between this ‘brother’ and the ashram’s sisters has grown stronger and more become memorable! Joshi has always assured women at the ashram that they have a big brother in a chair of power and that they can approach him whenever they face any problem. In a special interview, he said that the three most important gifts women in India should have are: Dignity and respect, Self-reliance through economic independence and the power to design their own destiny. The present government programmes, he said, are inadequate. Women deserve a much better deal from the government as well as society at large and their families!

Talking about the origin of the ashram, Achala Joshi, its president, says, "In January 1928, two orphan girls were admitted to the ashram. With this small but significant beginning, the ashram began to get recognition and grew in stature year by year. Those who administered the ashram understood that women prefer a ‘family-style’ management. Those who came to the ashram were mostly helpless rejects of the society. They were young girls who had conceived a child after being tempted with a marriage and a secure home. Some were abandoned women who had nowhere to go while others were widows who were unwanted by their families. All these women became a ‘family’ in the Shraddhanand complex. They looked after each other, they cared for the orphan children who came to the ashram; they cooked and kept the house just like normal homemakers. The trustees of the ashram determinedly removed the word anath meaning homeless and disowned from the name of the ashram to emphasise the family feeling.

Through the years, the ashram made every effort to resettle the women through marriage or job training. They were taught various skills to earn a livelihood. Some took on responsibilities of administration in the ashram and were paid salaries. Others were taught embroidery, stitching, bakery, laundry, knitting and machine jobs. Many found jobs outside and became wage earners. By about 1960, the trustees found that many inmates were ageing and the ashram could not look after them in the one building. The Shraddhanand Vruddhashram was built in Vasai, near Mumbai in 1967. In 1974, the Baluben and Jagjivan Mulji Hostel for Working Women (from the ashram and those from outside, who had no place to live in Mumbai) was built. 90 women in the old women’s home and 94 women in the working women’s hostel. In the main ashram, there are 62 infants (0 to 3 age), 40 girl children in the age group 3 to 5; 240 girl children in the age group 5 to 20. The ashram’s rehabilitation programmes include adoption education and vocational training, job placement, self reliance, reconciliation with families and marriage.

"In the past 75 years, the profile of an ashram inmate has changed dramatically. More abandoned infants and girl children are brought to the institution than abused women. This reflects the remarkable change in the persona of an Indian woman in the last 50 years. Today, even women from the working class or lower middle class in urban areas — especially Mumbai — are spirited and courageous. When they are abandoned, abused or helpless in the face of domestic violence or deprivation, they find jobs and become self-reliant. They do not come to the ashram any more. Even some of those who have stayed on at the ashram for many years have changed. They no longer want marriage at any price.

Take the case of Kamal Reddi. She came to the ashram as a three-year-old girl when her parents died. Now in her 40s, she has consistently refused marriage offers saying that life at the ashram is happy and tension free. For years, she completely handled the job work of Crompton Greaves assigned to the ashram with a team of women. Today she helps in administration work.

Like Kamal, many women who have come to the ashram as victims of domestic violence, rape, incest, dowry harassment and abuse, do not want to be trapped in marriage. They say that among their friends and relatives, few women are happy in marriage and it is better to be peaceful with friends.

The change we see is that single women are coming forward to adopt girl children. Since adoption laws have been relaxed now, it is possible for an unmarried woman to take a child in adoption. The attitude of such women is refreshing. As Manju Bhosle, a successful single parent says, "Marriage has failed the 21st century woman. The institution has not kept pace with changing time. Men have not walked hand in hand with us into a new partnership. As a result, most marriages are a shambles. The old pecking order in a family, with men bossing over as kartas is not relevant today. However, our mothering instincts are intact. Now that the law has empowered women, we can be mothers without the trauma of marriage".

Is the ashram alarmed about the number of girl children abandoned by mothers? Achala says, "You would be surprised how callous women can be. If a woman has borne an illegitimate child and she leaves it with us, she may never ever come back even to see the child! Some of our little girls are found on the streets; some are left with us by parents who can’t cope with child-rearing and some are sent to us from the police or juvenile courts. Many are new-born babies found in the rubbish heaps of the city. We nurse them and after consulting doctors, work out their probable date of birth. We name them and give them an identity.

Girls between the age of 6 and 20 live under the supervision of four house-mothers in separate dormitories. They go to school in groups and are given values to suit community living. A nourishing diet, extra-curricular activities and hobbies or skills are provided in the ashram. We get donations from various people and corporate bodies. The ashram is run by the Hindu Women’s Welfare Society, but it is open to all girl children and women of all religions and creeds.

Parenting ploys
Parenting sans stress
Kulwinder Sandhu

Parents can discipline kids without losing their cool

ONE evening, hearing six-year-old Sherry scream, she ran down the hall in the direction of the cry. She found her other son, Anil, two years older and stronger — grinning outside the bathroom door while his brother continued to wail from within. Suddenly angry, thinking he must have done something awful to his brother, she shoved Anil away from the door so hard that he fell, his head grazing a nearby wall.

She flung open the bathroom door expecting to see blood everywhere, but Sherry seemed fine. He announced, "Mom, Anil turned the light off on me!" Although Seema is a psychologist and supposed to know how to handle people, especially little ones. Yet she lost control of herself and nearly injured her child over a silly, harmless prank, one that she had played a dozen times herself as a little girl. She felt terrible about it.

Our children make parents angry sometimes. They get lazy, they make mistakes, they do silly, mischievous or thoughtless things. But when adults react without thinking, when they shout or strike, they usually accomplish little. And rightly so: they exhibit the very behaviour which they are trying to discourage.

Children do need discipline, but how can elders get them to do the right thing without losing their calm and adult dignity? By studying the parenting styles of people who have raised happy, well-adjusted children, behavioural scientists have identified a number of techniques that are often more effective than punishment in teaching appropriate behaviour.

Here are some effective ways to change behaviour without shouting or spanking that may work wonders on your child’s behaviour and help foster harmony in your household.

Many behavioural problems don’t require shouting matches or even discussions. For example; "Keep away from that door! (Why not add an inexpensive hook-lock?). "I’m not giving you the house key anymore because you keep losing it!" (I attached the key to my son’s haversack). "I’ve told you not to eat sweets before dinner!. (Hide the snacks). Every time you catch yourself yelling at your child, make a note of it. Later, see if you can handle recurring problems with simple changes in the environment.

• Teach your children what to do and what not to do by role playing situations with them. Use this technique with good results and rehearse the problem. Even a very young child can be taught to calm down by taking a few deep breaths. Siblings fight sometimes and it’s hard to figure out who’s to blame. Rather than trying, you should help your children with a breathing exercise.

• Children of all ages can be taught diaphragmatic breathing. With one hand on the chest and one on the abdomen, some people find that only the chest moves when they breathe. Breathing with the chest can be a sign of stress. Teenagers can be taught to hold the upper hand still and breathe with the diaphragm so that only the lower hand moves in and out. Diaphragmatic breathing has been shown in clinical studies to have a rapid calming effect.

• Self-management" skills that help adults achieve goals increased productivity, better organisation — can be taught to children. Perhaps, your daughter forgets to put her clothes for washing at night, and frequent reminders only result in arguments. Rather than posting cheerful reminder notes for your daughter, teach her that she can remind herself of what she’s supposed to do by writing her own notes. Many children feel great pride when they see the progress they’re making. They feel in charge.

• When a child is acting up, a parent often says — "Go to your room" as a punishment. But a bedroom is often a favourite place, especially if it’s filled with toys. The time off is helpful if it’s truly a time off from stimulation. For a very young child, you are better off with the old chair-in-the-corner technique. It’s very dull and that’s the point of a real time off.

• Mental-health professionals sometimes use manual guidance to help change a child’s behaviour. For example, if you see your son reaching to grab food from someone’s plate, gently move his hand back to his own plate, and say, "That’s good. I like it when you keep your hands where they should be."

• If your young daughter is taking too long to comb her hair when you’re in a hurry, don’t yell at her. Put an arm around her and say, "Darling, I’m in a rush today. You can finish that in the car." Then guide her away from the mirror. Again, gentleness is the key. If you are too rough, and you’re back to punishment.

• It’s often seen children get into trouble because they don’t have clear signals. At times, you don’t mind the kids bursting into your bedroom; while at other times, it’s the worst thing in the world. The solution is a technique called discrimination training. Teach your children that it’s okay to burst in when the big green "OK" sign is on your door, but that they need to knock first when the red "STOP" sign is out. Even a two year-old can get the idea. The challenge is to let your children know when certain behaviour is okay.

• The ‘behavioural contract’ is another successful technique. On a piece of paper jot down: Problem, target, behaviour and deal. If your daughter’s room is usually a mess and this causes arguments, the target behaviour might be to have her room clean up once a week. Under ‘deal write down what your child is supposed to do: "Priyanka will clean her room every Saturday afternoon, completing the job before 6 pm." Then add what you will do in return; Mom promises not to spend all week nagging Priyanka about her messy room. When the room is neat, Priyanka gets to choose the dessert on Saturday and Sunday."

Once the deal is struck, you and your child sign the paper and pin it up. Put a time limit on the contract. Circumstances have a way of changing, and you can always renew the contract. One of the most powerful ways children learn what to do and what not to do is by watching you. As you "model" various behaviours, sooner or later your child will intimate you. If you shout to get your way, you can expect some children to do the same. If you watch television instead of dusting the house, your child will likely put off a home work assignment. If you want your children to read, read. If you want your kids to apologise to you, apologise to them when you make a mistake.

• Take deep breaths. It’s hard to think clearly when you’re angry. You might forget every sensible thing you know about child-rearing. In the end, one of the very best ways to become a better parent is to learn better ways of handling your own stress.

More rights for Nepali women
Tashi Dolma

FOR the first time in the history of Nepal, all unmarried women have been granted rights to their parental property, and similarly, all married women, to their husband's property. Following seven years of intensive debate and struggle by women's activists, King Gyanendra Bir Bikram Shah gave his royal assent to the crucial Bill (The Country Code on the 11th Amendment Bill on property rights and abortion rights) in the last week of September.

Earlier in March this year, the country's Parliament passed the Bill that, among other things, guarantees Nepali women equal rights to parental property and conditional abortions. The Bill will now be ready for implementation after it is listed in the legal gazette. With royal assent, the Bill becomes an Act, and under the Act, the fate of married women changes too. Married women will now own one share of the husband's property. The same pertains to divorced women, while widows will now have full ownership of their husband's property.

Whereas earlier, conditions had been put forth that property rights should only be given to those women who are above 35 years of age and if they remain unmarried, the Act now makes a daughter of any age an heir to her parental property. Advocate and women's rights activist Sapana Pradhan Malla is ecstatic over the historical achievement. However, she points out, there is one flaw in the property rights bill; the problem is that though a daughter has been given rights to parental property, she has to return the property if she gets married. The parliamentarians who opposed the Bill justified this aspect by saying that if the parental property is not taken back, the girl will be holding the property right of her parents as well as her husband," explains Malla. Another aspect of the Bill is that conditional abortion has been legalised. The Bill grants women the right to an abortion up to 12 weeks of pregnancy and up to 18 weeks in cases of rape and incest. Additionally, a woman can opt for an abortion at any time during her pregnancy if there is risk to her own health or if the baby is likely to be born with a serious disorder or deformity. The latter would of course, require an appropriate certificate from a doctor. Significantly, the Bill does not require the husband's consent in any case. In Malla's view and that of many experts, the Bill is only a beginning for the hard work ahead. "Our challenge is now the implementation of these rights. The most important thing is to reach the grassroots level."

Malla and her aides will soon be busy. According to her, there are piles of legal cases that they now have to start working on. However, the new law does not address the fate of women currently serving prison sentences, allegedly for having had abortions while the ban was still in place. A large number of women have already been imprisoned for illegal abortions and infanticide. Critics of the Bill however, have a different point of view. They say that while earlier urban women got away with clandestine abortions, the Act will only making things easier for better-off women in the cities. According to the critics, the law doesn't discuss the fate of hundreds of women who are jailed all over the country for abortion-related crimes. In this context, Secretary for Justice, Law and Parliamentary Affairs Uday Nepali Shrestha says, "We can only release the women with the decision of the Cabinet as most of them are imprisoned due to illiteracy or lack of resources."