But before we go further, a confession. This was supposed to be a cynical write-up. An overview of how materialistic, retrograde and patriarchal attitudes were dictating the wheeling-dealings in the matrimonial market. Of how progress seemed just a mirage when it came to deciding the criteria that determined who we chose to marry. Of how superficial and materialistic concerns dictated the choice of a life partner. Except that what came through loud and clear in discussions with young people who are either looking for spouses or are in committed relationships pointed to a scenario that was far more heartening.

Yes, I know that the marriage season is in full swing, and, no, this is not a feel-good piece whose purpose is to sing a tune that would find rhythm with the merry ringing of wedding bells. This is just the truth. There was never a better time to get married.

There is, of course, the not-so-pretty side to the story but then how prudent is it to ignore the good for the sake of bad?

Not only are young people more conscious of what they want from a marriage and from a partner but their chances of finding someone who fits the bill are brighter too. Paradoxically, a rising divorce rate is co-existing with the happy marriage of tradition and modernity which ensures that more and more people can make their own choices without rocking the boat. A little more modern and we plunge into the chaotic uncertainty of unstable relationships, a little more traditional and we go right back to the era of retrogressive traditions that we are so desperate to leave behind.

Doomsayers will argue that the young these days are very demanding, that they are rigid and inflexible and uncompromising when it comes to choosing a life partner, that such rigidity demands its pound of flesh in terms of greater insecurity and less tolerance in relationships. Lets look at this argument in a positive light. One man’s meat could be another man’s poison, or vice versa. What some feel is an uncompromising, demanding attitude could well be someone else’s statement of what would make him happy. In a society whose philosophical legacy glorifies self-denial and whose people depend on destiny to guide the course of their lives, any conscious pursuit of happiness is greeted with disdain. But can anyone say that happiness that results from a conscious pursuit is any less happy than happiness that is a mere accident? How is not knowing what would make you happy more desirable than knowing what would? True, the chances of ending up in a divorce court are greater these days but then so are the chances of being in marriages that are happy and fulfilling. However, a necessary precondition to being in a happy relationship is knowing what would make you happy. Says T.P.S. Walia, an executive in a telecom company who got married earlier this month, "I was very definite about the kind of person I wanted. When I met my fiancé, I realised that she was what I was looking for. Before I met her many marriage proposals had come my way, but none of those women possessed the qualities I wanted in my wife." Says Jyotin, a bank executive, "I have a fairly good idea of the kind of person I want to spend my life with. I am going to take my time in choosing my life partner but once I make the choice, I intend to make sure that it works." No longer is marriage a matter of saying yes to whoever your parents chose and then spending a lifetime making the best of a relationship you were never sure you wanted in the first place. No one can, of course, predict the longevity or the happiness quotient of a relationship but the chances of getting what you want are certainly brighter if you know what you want.

So what is it that people want? Compatibility is very important to most, more so to women. Says Manpreet, a young woman engaged to an Army officer, "For me compatibility is very important. I was looking for someone with whom I could be myself, someone with whom I didn’t have to act. Education, socio-economic status, everything comes later, connecting at a personal level is most important." Agrees Jyotin, "If I meet someone with whom I feel I am compatible, then I am willing to overlook other factors like differences in family backgrounds." Professionally qualified and financially independent women do not need economic security from a marriage as much as they need emotional security. More than anything else these women want to marry for companionship.

For men, marrying women who would fit in with their families seems more important. This makes sense because after marriage it is the woman who comes to live in her husband’s home and not the other way round. Says Ambuj Mathur, an executive in a telecom company, "The woman I marry must get along with my parents, since she will be spending a lot of time with them. I am not particular about educational qualifications or her professional status." Feminists will be riled, no doubt, but it is a very practical attitude, really, especially when you consider that conflict with in-laws is a major cause of marital problems. Says another young man who doesn’t want to named, "My parents are very difficult to live with but I am an only son and I know they will have to live with me when they grow old, so for me it is important to get married to a woman who can, to some extent, put up with the less-than-cordial attitude of my parents. To that extent she must be docile and submissive, otherwise my home will resemble a battlefield." It is apples and oranges, really, there are no value judgements here, if you know an apple is what you need, why should you choose an orange?

The onus of choosing a life partner has finally begun to rest where it should rightfully belong. Most educated professionals, men and women both, have the final word. Parents no longer cajole or coerce their offspring into marriages that they really don’t want. Luckily, the generation gap seems to be narrowing down in this context and while there is still some difference in what parents want and what their children want, it is not so vast that it cannot be bridged. Says Pooja, a young media professional, "In case my parents don’t see eye-to-eye with me about the kind of person who is right for me I would explain my point of view to them and I am sure they will come around." In cases of conflict, the women and, surprisingly, even some men are confident enough about their own viewpoint to be able to take a stand against their parents. Asserts Manpreet, "I could and did stand up against my parents. I put my foot down when they wanted me to commit to someone they thought was good for me but I didn’t feel comfortable with." Even single women in their late twenties and early to mid-thirties are confident enough to ignore both the ticking of the biological clock and badgering relatives but still not settle for someone they feel they wouldn’t be happy with. The fact that the average age of marriage for both men and women has increased over the past few years may have something to do with the shift in focus from the family to the individual. Young professionals with a mind and an income of their own see no reason to buckle down to family or societal pressures.

Increasingly, men and women living and working alone in cities, away from their families, are taking the initiative in looking for their partners themselves. A young woman living alone in Delhi placed an ad for herself in the papers and met the prospective matches, including her future husband, herself without the intervention of her parents. Matrimonial sites on the Net where young people correspond for marriage themselves also point to the same trend. Exhibiting modern behaviour within traditional boundaries is what these people do best. Not only does this underscore their independence in decision-making but it also signifies an important shift in mindsets: Going in for an arranged marriage need not condemn you to marrying a stranger any longer. You can treat matrimonial ads as a platform for meeting other people and where you go from there depends on you. You can exercise the option of taking the time to see each other over a period of time before making a decision. This again improves your chances of finding someone who would be right for you.

If the ever-longer list of matrimonial ads under the head, ‘divorcees and widowers’ is any indication, it seems that more and more people who have had a bad relationship or have lost a spouse are willing to have a second shot at happiness. Aha, nay sayers will point out, we were right about the shelf life of marriages. True, more marriages are breaking up these days, but then the divorce rate is not just a function of unstable relationships, it is also directly proportional to the level of economic prosperity in a society and the degree of education and autonomy enjoyed by the women of that society. Like it or not, but unstable relationships are an unavoidable by-product of economic and technological progress since the stresses that accompany such progress often take a toll on relationships. Incompatibility is also a valid enough reason for divorce these days. The good part is that second marriages are no longer looked down upon. Says Manoj of REC Group that runs a marriage bureau, "The most noteworthy trend in the past few years is that more and more people are coming to us for second marriages." To what I said earlier, that this is a good time to get married, I might add, even if you have been married earlier.

But, alas, not all stories about marriage have a happily-ever-after postscript. For some marriage is a mere business transaction, for others it seems to be completely divorced from any ethical considerations, while for still others a refusal to challenge gender-stereotyping and retrogressive practices thwarts the development of a healthy outlook towards relationships. But probably the allegation most difficult to pin down and also the most insidious is the sheer hypocrisy that colours the attitudes and behaviour of people. The tendency to say one thing and mean another. How many of us have heard of a groom’s parents saying, "Hum ko kuch chaiye to nahin, par baraat ki dekh-bhaal theek honi chahiye. Relatives ke samne izzat ka sawal hota hai."

Consider these cases:

• Silicon Valley-based Anurag Agarwal’s latest letter to his Delhi-based parents asking them to look for a girl for him did a world of good to their spirits. So grateful were they that their son, who professed liberal views had, at last, acquiesced to an ‘arranged’ match, that they were ready to overlook the many riders he had put on the criterion that must govern the choice of a suitable bride. She must be smart, working, educated, intelligent, able to find her place in an alien society and hold her own in the tehno-savvy, upworldly-mobile social circle he moved in. Looks don’t count, he emphasised, ultimately it is the person that matters and he was looking for someone who could complement his intellect. No problem, said the Agarwal Seniors, and promptly lined up a bevy of prospective brides, among them an engineer and a doctorate. Sadly, none could set Anurag’s heart aflutter. Not ones to give up so easily, the Agarwals intensified their search, which thankfully bore fruit. Except the newest Agarwal on the block was none of the things Anurag had said she should be. A tender 21 years old, she had just completed her BA, never harboured any professional ambitions and was pretty enough to be a film star.

• Sarabjeet Singh, a divorcee, can at least not be accused of not knowing his mind. Caste, education and income no bar, but the next Mrs Singh has to be a ‘virgin’. Divorcees and widows, please excuse.

• Rohit Saxena is a victim of the rising unemployment graph. A degree in engineering has failed to get him a satisfactory job, so now he is thinking of setting up his own enterprise. The fact that he has no money to finance his plans doesn’t bother him much. He intends to make sure that his future wife’s father ‘assists’ him in getting into business. Whatever her father does, it will be for his daughter’s happiness, Rohit shrugs, he won’t be doing me any favour.

• Shalini, an educated young woman working in a hotel, is groom hunting too these days. Ask her if she would like to continue working after marriage and she answers: If my husband lets me. Would she agree to pay dowry? She looks non-committal. Things like that happen, why kick up a ruckus about it? This is India, after all. Moreover, giving her husband dowry would make her parents happy. Why think too much about such things? Why think, period. (One hundred crore people, give or take a few crores, breathe a collective sigh of relief, the applecart of the Great Indian Tradition is safe in her hands, she has no intention of upsetting it.)

• Mr and Mrs Sharma have been looking for a match for their engineer son. Let’s see what each of them has to say about their idea of a good match. Would-be bridegroom can be dispensed with quickly for the simple reason that he has no views on the subject. Whoever my parents choose is okay for me, he mumbles. His lack of opinions is more than made up for by a list of demands that would put ISO 2002 to shame that his parents have. Mrs Sharma: She should be beautiful, fair, tall, a good cook, an excellent housekeeper, a dutiful daughter-in-law, family-oriented, religious and obedient. Mr Sharma: She should be professionally qualified but not career-conscious, our son is earning enough, his wife needn’t work but should have a degree, just in case. Her father should be well-off and they should know how to ‘look after’ the groom’s family. After all, hum ladke wale hain, he laughs sheepishly. A final question to Obedient Son, would he take dowry? Why not, an engineering degree qualifies him for some, doesn’t it?

Some would argue that Anurag just happened to ‘click’ with his bride-to-be. Remember those rose-tainted glasses I mentioned in the beginning? Well, take them off. Does Anurag’s behaviour seem less romantic now? Is it a case of love at first sight or is it a classic example of how an apparently liberal outlook is often just a mask for hard-to-kill conservative attitudes? You decide. And then you have people like Rohit for whom the spouse is the last consideration. They don’t care who they marry so long as the bank account is in good health. And what can you say about the Shalinis and the Sharma Juniors of the world? In spite of having the advantage of being educated and professional, they still choose to look the other way when it comes to challenging stereotypes.

If Sleeping Beauty had lived in 21st century India, Prince Charming would have probably gone through her father’s income tax returns before he proposed to her and she would have checked on his credit ratings before she said "yes". Of course, an NRI status of either of them would have done as well. And hey, who cares if Sleeping Beauty was neither accomplished nor virtuous, or Prince Charming neither a prince nor charming. For many, marriage is a short-cut to a better, more prosperous life. A once-in-a-lifetime chance to improve one’s lot, to jump the queue in social or economic hierarchy. For some this could mean marrying a NRI, while for some others it means marrying far above their socio-economic status. The more unethical ones use another’s unfortunate circumstances such as a physical deformity, an economic weakness, a divorce or a widowhood, to manipulate marriages that would benefit them in some way. The cold-bloodedness of it, of course, leaves no room for any kind of ethical or emotional considerations.

There is also the problem of unrealistic expectations. Look at matrimonial ads in papers and you would be forgiven for thinking that every eligible bachelor and spinster either is or is looking for someone who is beautiful/handsome, fair, earning a five-figure salary and from a premier institute. The world seems to be peopled by Barbie dolls with the brains of Madame Curie and the bank balances of Bill Gates or the male counterparts of the aforementioned female creature. Luckily, the marriage market has a way of scaling down expectations to more realistic levels so that mythical creatures become the girls or boys next door who probably studied in the downtown college.

There cannot be any prescriptions for what one must look for in a future life partner. The trick, I suppose, lies in knowing what would be good for you. And in never forgetting that the reasons we choose one person above all others to marry are what determine how genuine and honest the relationship is. If the reasons are right, chances are so will the relationship be, if not, well, it’s your call.

The wedding season does call for some celebrations and maybe these words are just that. A celebration of the most beautiful of relationships, a promise of what it can be if only we let it. If only we have our heads and our hearts in the right place. If only we marry for the right reasons. If only we have the wisdom to know what is right and the courage to believe in it. If only we understand that relationships cannot be divorced from ethics. If only we can compromise on our expectations but not on our convictions. If only we see that purely materialistic concerns can never bring enduring happiness. If only…. Then perhaps many more marriages would have a happily-ever-after ending.