Why parents reject boarding schools

A caring and nurturing family is generally considered the most conducive environment, both by psychologists and sociologists, for the healthy all-round development of a child.

Sucharita, who taught in a boarding school in HP for five years, decided against sending her son and daughter to a residential school. She felt that children should be sent to a hostel only after Class X or XII, when they are able to look after themselves emotionally and physically. Children younger than that are completely dependent on school authorities for everything. Often, school authorities are lacking in skills needed to handle young children. Apart from this, parents find it difficult to impart a value system to their children if the latter are not staying with them. As a consequence, the parent-child bond definitely suffers. Moreover, schools often use harsh methods, including corporal punishment, to inculcate discipline in the students, a task that parents can do with more love. As a teacher and a parent, Sucharita says, she has seen that the lessons children remember best are the ones that are taught with love

Expressing similar views, Purnima Dutta, a teacher at Doon School, recently in an interview, remarked that she would not like to send her she daughter to a boarding school, which according to her, is an "artificial community", comprising only peers. "The housemasters are meant to compensate for the parents’ absence, but it’s not really the same when a teacher tries to be a mother or father to ten boys." If parents can manage, it’s better not to send children to boarding schools, is her advice.

Another teacher from a leading boarding school of the region, who did not wish to reveal her identity, had serious reservations about the good that comes out of hostel life. She disclosed that some children at the boarding where she was teaching did not want to go home even during the holidays. They felt alienated from their parents, who they said pampered them for the first and last few days of their holidays. For the rest of the vacation the kids felt ignored, as the parents got involved in their routine lives.

Feelings of rejection, anger and betrayal felt by a child upon being sent away from the protective home environment can leave life-long scars on a young impressionable mind. Harleen (name changed), an alumnus of Sacred Heart, Dalhousie, says she looks back at her hostel with mixed feelings of pain and pleasure. She was sent to the boarding because there was no proper school for girls at Nagrota, where her father was posted. She disliked the idea of her brother staying with her parents and getting all their attention.

The fear of bullying, ragging and other forms of abuse, which most newcomers are subjected to and which in many instances acquire ugly and inhuman proportions, also deters many parents from sending their children to boarding. Even serious crimes like sodomy are ignored or suppressed by school authorities. Most of the times no action is taken against the offenders, who are let off with a mere warning, all because the school’s reputation is at stake. In such cases, the parents of the victimised child can do little else but withdraw the child from the school. Since most parents feel overawed by the school’s prestige and consider it to be a status symbol to have their child admitted in it, they do not take on the authorities forcefully when they get a raw deal. Moreover, there are no strong associations of parents to take up the matter for them.

Three years ago, Radhika (name changed) decided against sending her 12-year-old son to boarding when he locked himself in his room and threatened to commit suicide. Though she tried to allay the fears of this Class VII student of St Xavier’s School in Chandigarh, she did not coerce him because she had witnessed a dramatic change in the personality of her nephew who had been sent to a boarding for only a year, mainly to be reformed. This overconfident, hyperactive child, who was forever involved in one mischief or the other, completely withdrew into his shell after he returned from a boarding school in the Doon valley. He had complained of ragging and boys indulging in drinking and smoking in the dormitories.

Living in the hostel, where you learn to fend for yourself right from day one and where you meet people of different backgrounds and personalities, can broaden your horizon, boost your confidence, make you more independent and improve your interpersonal skills. You learn to be tactful and patient and make an attempt to look at things from another’s perspective. Since you have to take your own decisions, you learn by your mistakes. In short, life in a boarding school teaches you all kinds of survival skills.

Geeti Bakshi, whose son is studying in Doon School in Class X and daughter is admitted in Welhelms in Class VII, is extremely satisfied with her decision to send her kids to boarding. Her son, who was very timid and mild earlier, has learnt to hold his own, and this she believes is no short-term gain. The confidence that you pick in your growing years, she feels, stays with you for life. Though she admits that sending her children away from home has been the biggest sacrifice she has ever made, both she and her husband —products of residential schools too — did not want the children to be limited by their vision and fewer opportunities in art and sports. In Chandigarh, she could have only thought of tennis for her son, who now excels in boxing, while her daughter is making a mark in athletics

Name any sport or hobby, and most leading residential schools provide it. Besides providing facilities for swimming, riding, squash, tennis, athletics, badminton, sky diving,sculpting and pottery, children are encouraged to participate in debates and declamation contests. With the day packed with activities, the child does not waste time and is not allowed to indulge in fruitless occupations like watching TV or sitting for hours at end on the computer, surfing or playing games.

Param Braich, wife of a merchant navy officer, who has herself studied in boarding from KG to Class XII, chose to send her 13-year-old daughter to Mayo College this year in order to give her greater opportunity to participate in co-curricular activities. Two months back, she was in for a pleasant surprise when she was told by the hostel authorities that they would like to train her daughter in vocal music. She had never sensed this talent in her child.

Besides detecting your latent talent and offering more exposure, hostel life can toughen and strengthen you emotionally. Eighteen-year-old Apninder, who put in two years at St George’s in Musoorie, maintains that no doubt everybody around is helpful but the general indifference towards your well-being toughens you up. When Apninder left boarding in Class VII, his parents noted a marked change in him: he spoke more confidently to adults, could discuss his problems with his teachers and even learnt to manage money by concentrating more on just the essential items.

Amardeep Gill, a lawyer at the High Court, remembers with nostalgia the golden days at Bishop Cotton School, Shimla, which he says can never been repeated: they were full of fun, friends and sports. "My years at the boarding (from Class IV to X) made me a man. I was aggressive, hot-tempered when I joined, but by the time I left hostel, I had become tolerant and mild. I began to appreciate people for their worth and not for the families they belonged to or the riches they possessed."

With hostel comes discipline, routine and rules. A schedule has to be strictly adhered to. Besides fixed wake-up and retiring hours, each hour is accounted for. Any kind of laziness or laxity is not tolerated, let alone allowed. Ashu Arora, a Class XI boarder in YPS, SAS Nagar, who has studied in boarding from a tender age of four (in Sacred Heart, Dalhousie), aptly describes the discipline enforced by the hostel management by saying: "We have to remain with our limits."

The ability to motivate themselves is another appreciable quality that the hostellers imbibe. The merits of boarding schools can easily turn into pitfalls if the inmates are not motivated enough. The studies can take a beating if a balance is not struck between extra-curricular activities and books. Prep time can turn into play or gossip time if the individual does not take the initiative to study.

Interestingly, even those boarders who have had unpleasant experiences like Raman who fled from hostel and Harleen who disliked being sent away from home also recommend that children be sent to boarding to imbibe the positive lessons that hostel life imparts. They believe that the trick lies in choosing the right time the right institution, giving a lot of weight to the Principal’s reputation, and realising that a hostel can never be a home away home but is a disciplined home away from home.

Most boarding schools begin to take students from Class IV or V but the age at which the child should be sent to the hostel may depend on many factors like the family’s circumstances, home atmosphere, the child’s personality and the kind of exposure the parents want to give their offspring. Parents who in a village or a small town, may be left with little choice but to send their kids away from home, primarily, for studies.

Ranbir, mother of Apninder, does not recommend sending children before Class VI. By then, she professes, the kids get acquainted with family values and have forged strong bonds with their grandparents and other relatives. Ashu Arora, who was admitted to a hostel at four because his parents lived in a village, says: "Even now, some of my relatives have to be introduced to me."

Finally, the decision to send a child to boarding should be taken after giving it a serious thought, the welfare of the child should dictate the choice. It is an important decision, which can have life-long repercussions, both positive and negative, on the child.