TAKING NOTE
How to control your ‘little devil’
Damodar Agrawal

CHILDREN of the urban elite have been attracting attention for all the wrong reasons. From being school rowdies to road bullies, they are known to don all kinds of nefarious roles. Before their aggressiveness, their parents find themselves helpless. Breaking things, fretting for the impossible to be done, pestering for unaffordable items, they want their way each time.

Apparently, this may look perfectly normal. Children will be children, most parents will argue. Hence, they opt to ignore their wards’ demanding behaviour. But the parents fail to realise that when this habit will harden, it will be difficult for them to handle their children or continue meeting their unreasonable demands. By the time they decide to modify their behaviour, it will be too late.

Neena, mother of a 12-year-old boy, was diagnosed to be suffering from a severe anxiety syndrome. When the psychiatrist asked her for the cause of her anxiety, she told that when her son was just 9 years old, she taught him car driving. By the time he was 12, he had developed an obsession for it. Whenever he fancied, he took the car out. On being stopped, he would rebel. "Come what may, I will take the car out," he would say and be out of sight in a moment.

Neena became a nervous wreck. She started having nightmarish visions of his getting involved in an accident. Neena got cured after counselling and medication, but this example should serve as a deterrent for all those who cannot say ‘no’ to all the demands of their children.

Unfortunately, even parents belonging to the middle class give their children too much too early. According to psychologists, there are social, cultural and economic reasons for this. Parents want their children to flaunt their riches to impress the neighbours. But soon this practice is used as a ‘weapon’ against the parents themselves, and the ‘little devils’ become the masters.

I am herewith reproducing a scene to which I was a witness at a marketplace. A mother and her 7-year-old son were on a shopping spree:

Mother: "No, you cannot buy it, it is very expensive."

Son: "I want to buy it, and I must." The boy turning to the salesgirl, saying: "Please pack it, mom will pay."

The poor embarrassed mother took the boy out of the shop. The boy, however, did not budge an inch. Mastered by the ‘little master,’ the ‘babyish’ mother returned to the shop and paid the bill.

When this incident was narrated to a specialist, he was emphatic in his opinion. He said, "It seems to be a consequence of the pamper-the-child attitude. The mother in this case should have taken a stern stand."

He declared, "Most parents are afraid to do this for the fear of the child harming himself. But most such children are cowards and cannot go beyond blackmailing or throwing tantrums to invite attention. They are ‘rich spoilt brats’ and for this behaviour of theirs, the parents are responsible."

Children try to dominate everyone in the household — not only the parents but also the maids, the servants and the drivers. The problems that they are in the habit of creating at home and in the neighbourhood may often necessitate the summoning of the police or medical aid. This ‘behavioural abnormality’ must be checked in time lest it affects their performance in school too.

For the ‘nouveau riche’ of our society, handling the wayward behaviour of their children has become one of the crucial parenting issues. Talk to any parent and he/she will tell you myriad tales. They will tell you how under stress, their work is affected. Many lose their sleep and take tranquillisers. Many join meditation and chanting camps.

• Give yourself some private space and do not let your child intrude into it.

• Assert your individuality and let the child feel that you can take action.

• When you punish him for any misconduct of his, let it not look like revenge but like a corrective measure.

• You must also cool down, be affectionate and free from any guilty feeling.

• Above all, don’t mete out a humiliating punishment.

• Let the child know that your own work is as important to you as the child’s work, and in no case give him the latitude to scatter things about and increase your workload.

• If he is in the habit of disturbing you when you want to lie down and relax, ask him not to do so. The child will then learn to respect your needs and your timings.

• If he is in the habit of keeping his room cluttered, don’t hesitate to ask him to clean the mess.

• When the child reaches the senior-school stage, he may want to just freak out. This should be allowed with limitations imposed. If in the name of ‘changed times’, your daughter argues with you and pleads to be treated as "a responsible and grown-up person", you may tell her that while you trust her, you do not trust the others.

A 10-year-old son of a friend of mine had a tiff with him and in anger left the house. The father quietly let him go. Within an hour, the boy came back, rang the doorbell and waited.

"Why have you come back?" the father asked.

"I have come to take my shoes because the road is hot and dusty," the son said.

The boy was, of course, allowed to take his shoes. But he sat on the sofa and started crying. This can be a difficult situation for any parent to face. But if you as a parent have the guts, you can prevent your child from taking any such extreme step.

Children of today have come to know a little too much in too little a time. They present arguments that one would be stunned to hear. They may rudely tell you that they were brought into this world not out of their own choice. They use such arguments to demoralise the parents and have their way.

If while discussing any matter, the child begins to talk in an offensive manner, immediately snub him and tell him that it is disrespectful to talk like that. Follow this with a convincing dialogue with him. Don’t threaten or command. Talk to him with conviction and not anger. If you are a strict disciplinarian, change your attitude to one of understanding. Tell him that you feel concerned. This will solve many of your problems.