Sunday, February 17, 2002		Article

From a lover’s diary
Komal Singh

"I hate her", echoed the deepest recesses of my wounded heart. Not only the heart; she had left her impact on every organ, tissue, cartilage or cell. Love it was and I became mad in it. I went blind, lost my sense of discrimination, lost my friends, just to get her.

I was 21 when I flew to an alien land to imbibe knowledge and procure a degree from an university of repute. I had dreams in my eyes dreams that belonged to me, my parents and those who loved me. There I fell in love with this appealing and obscure lady. Her intentions were concealed, she was unpredictable. Appealing because she was exotic. For me, love did not happen at first sight but grew gradually.

Slowly, slowly....... she captivated me and I willingly surrendered myself.

My journey from an amateur lover to a mature one was very obvious . Now love for her ran through my veins, in my blood, from my heart..... to every part of me. I showed symptoms of madness, hysteria, longing and passion. But like most love stories mine was tragic, too.

Abandoned, marooned, deserted was not I. These words are too inadequate to describle what she did to me. Besieged by intricate shackles of dejection — an eternal gift from her — I strived to enjoy the simple things of life. Life was not simple for me anymore. Studies became impossible.

My parents learnt about my plight. I was back in my land. This time I had no dreams in my eyes. With me came, despair and wretchedness.

My parents hoped for my recovery, nonetheless.

Love is a slow poison. I knew this but was not aware that his venom fades memory, sabotages organs. But this was not the end.

Doctors diagnosed AIDS — another ramnification of my love affair. I had to live death till I died. I confess that in order to feel her in my blood I injected her into my veins to attain the heavenly bliss which seemed to me so idyllic.

Drug was the name of my beloved, who had completely ruined me.

Never fall in love with drug(s). My disastrous love, affair was the catastrophe of my life. Though intoxicating it is just an illusion, a mirage. Like a mirage, first attracting you to quench your thirst, then deceiving you and finally leaving you trying to redeem what you have lost forever.

She is La Belle Dame Sans Merci who spares no one.